Sectioned in Hospital - Day 46

Written by Fox.

DAY 46 - 22nd September, Sunday

Keri has gotten into the routine of staying up until about 5am, she's not even getting tired. It's obviously taking its toll as she didn't even bother getting out of bed until nearly 3pm. She's got nothing to motivate her to get up! She just doesn't care anymore. She hasn't eaten, she didn't take her morning medication and has fidgeted and been feeling suicidal all day.

She asked for escorted leave about an hour after she got out of bed. She was expecting them to say no as she hadn't had any of her medication and she was obviously very agitated. Amazingly they decided to let her out. Caramel took her for a walk. Keri had no intention of going back to the unit. She had her money and all she had to do was wait for the bus so they made their way to the bus stop and sat in the shelter. After about half an hour Keri's escorted leave time was up.

"Right, ready to make our way back to the ward?" Caramel said to Keri.

"No, I need to wait," Keri said, glancing down at the road to see if the bus was going to arrive. It was due any moment.

"Wait for what?" Caramel asked.

"We're standing in a bus stop..." Keri said, knowing full well that Caramel knew what she meant.

"Keri you're not getting on a bus," Caramel said.

"Why not? You can't stop me," Keri snapped at her.

"Actually I can," she said, looking concerned. "I'd stop the bus driver from leaving and have to call the police as you're on a section. You'll hold everyone up waiting for the police for them to then take you 200 metres to the ward. Do you want to cause a big scene?" Caramel said.

"For god sake," Keri said.

At that point the bus was starting to turn up.

"Come on, let's get over the other side of the road before the bus gets to the stop," Caramel said. "Where were you planning on going?"

"Clifton," Keri said.

"Why Clifton?"

"The tourist attractions."

"I love the fact you can still be sarcastic."

Keri ended up walking with her over the road, it was clear how hesitant she was. As they strolled slowly back, Keri decided to clarify something.

"You know with most of the patients that they've got unescorted leave?" Keri said. "You have to wait about an hour after they're return time to call the police don't you?"

"Yeah we do," Caramel said. "Any time within an hour, normally we wait an hour."

"So I take it with escorted leave then you wouldn't wait an hour? Like if I managed to get on the bus with no one stopping me?" Keri said.

"We'd call the police straight away," Caramel said. "You probably wouldn't even make it to the next stop."

More bad news, Keri thought. She carried on walking with Caramel and went back onto the ward, still very agitated. She didn't want to speak to anyone but her key nurse gave her her 6pm dose of Diazepam and said that she'd come and find her to have a chat after she'd finished dispensing the medication. 

After about half an hour, Cat turned up and started chatting. They ended up talking mainly about me, Clari, Sally and Trixie. Keri mentioned the fact that money was missing and Clarissa goes to drugs and alcohol if she can't use sex as an outlet. Keri also talked about Robyn and how dangerously close it was for Sally to come out and be physically aggressive to her. Keri doesn't want to end up in trouble over something she wouldn't even remember doing.

The big news for today. Unfortunately Keri tried (and clearly failed) to kill herself about an hour or two ago. She took her evening medication (a combination of Diazepam, Zopiclone, Quetiapine and Mirtazapine) at about 11pm and waited an hour or so for them all to kick in. She then decided to write a short suicide note and leave some drawings and photos. She stood in front of her bathroom mirror and addressed all of us and said, "Right, if anyone's got any objections to what I'm about to do, say it now."

None of us said a word. I kept Jimmy in his room and didn't say anything to object. I'm starting to feel very run down and low myself. I don't have any energy and it's getting close to 7 weeks that we've all been locked in here. Plus Caramel said that because of what happened with the bus issue then she won't be granted any unescorted leave on Tuesday in her ward round. Yet another week.

Keri waited until she knew they'd checked through the hatch in her bedroom door, which they do hourly. As soon as she'd been checked, she grabbed a carrier bag and went into her bathroom, shutting the door and chucking her dressing gown on the floor as some kind of pillow. She looked in the mirror and said, "I'm sorry." She then put the bag over her head, lay on the floor and tied it as tightly as she could so that no air could get in through any gaps. She'd set a reminder on her iPad for 00.55am, 5 minutes before her next check was due. After 15 minutes she was feeling strangely calm and lethargic. The thoughts in her head weren't of panic or confusion, they were of peace, knowing that she'd finally no longer be in pain. This carried on but then her reminder went off! Keri was still conscious, barely, so she knew that 5 more minutes would only put her into a state of unconsciousness but wouldn't kill her. She forced herself to undo the bag and ended up gasping for air. Her head was hurting, she was hyperventilating, she was dizzy and barely had any energy to stand. She burst into tears. She was thinking that she was such a failure she couldn't even kill herself within an hour.

It's now nearly 2am and I've come out to do the blog post. I think she'll probably be asking for some Lorazepam soon so that she can actually go to sleep. She's feeling so depressed and low. She's thinking of trying it again at some stage, although not tonight. She's not telling staff as if she told staff what happened then they'd either take away her carrier bags or put her on one-to-one observation. She's seeing her psychotherapist tomorrow afternoon so hopefully Keri is at least open with her about things.

What a day...