DAY 42 - 18th September, Thursday
What are the words I can use about today. Oh dear. That's it.
Keri got up at midday and refused her medication and an hour later asked to be let out on leave. She was told that she wasn't allowed it but they'd check anyway. By about 3.30pm her key nurse came in to her room and Keri asked her if she could go out. Cat said that she wasn't going to allow Keri to leave the ward because of the risk right now but if she took her medication then they could negotiate about it.
Even after taking her medication at about 4pm she was still not allowed any leave. She lost her temper this evening and tried getting over the fence again. She injured her hands and twisted her ankle trying to get over it! In the end she stormed up to the desk and shouted at her key nurse who was sat there and said, "I can't get over the fucking fence!"
"Oh, Keri," Cat said, looking concerned. "Did you try getting over the fence in the HDU?"
Keri just nodded and carried on hiding underneath her hood.
"Come on, let's take you through to the clinic room and have a chat," Cat said.
Keri discussed with Cat about her suicidal thoughts and how annoyed she was that she'd missed the bus and all she wanted to do was get to the suspension bridge. I know from being inside her head that if she's allowed out tomorrow with staff then she's gone.
Cat saw the state Keri was in and how agitated she was so gave her some Lorazepam. She hasn't had it to calm her down for several days so it kind of hit her like a brick in the face. She might even sleep tonight as she also had to have her night time medication a couple of hours after the Lorazepam. Although speaking of that it's nearly 2am so obviously going to sleep early hasn't worked!
Keri's care co-ordinator came to visit her today, accompanied by a student nurse. There was a lot to talk about as her care coordinator needs to write up a report to hand in for Keri's tribunal. We haven't yet got a date but the deadline for her report is 30th September. WHAT? Yes. That's in 12 days. By that time Keri will have been here nearly 8 bloody weeks! And me for that matter, plus Clarissa, plus everyone! Just ridiculous.
Keri also talked about how lonely she's feeling and how cut off from everyone she is. She's had no visitors for a week, besides the rehab guys that came out to see her yesterday and her care coordinator today; I'm talking about non-therapy and non-assessment visits! I forgot about mentioning the rehab guys! They came to see Keri yesterday to basically introduce themselves and explain how the rehab units work (they both work in the two rehab wards in the hospital). They seemed nice people and Keri seemed positive about them until going deep into the depression. She feels caged and lonely and all she wants is the freedom to go and spend a few hours at home with her foster carers. If I'm honest, that would be better for her mental health!
Keri's care coordinator also mentioned about Keri's foster mum, or ex foster mum, and she's still happy to be Keri's next of kin as it's not deemed as appropriate that Keri's birth mum is her next of kin so they'll have to get some stuff signed from the county court to get that officially written on paper.
I'm highly doubting the staff will take Keri out tomorrow. If she's still suicidal (which she will be) then she'll leave the staff and go to the suspension bridge. Like I've said a few days ago, I've never felt her be so determined. I don't want to die but I've got no energy left to keep coming out and keeping Keri safe. I can barely make it to do these posts or update the page and those are the things that help ME cope better, knowing I'm helping people.
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