DAY 85 - 31st October, Thursday (KERI'S BIRTHDAY!!)
Well, Clari got us all to a flying start very early in the morning! This meant Keri was overtired and hyper so she spent the morning rushing around and keeping herself busy, hoping nothing last minute was going to crop up and ruin the leave that she was being granted to go home for a few hours.
Her foster mum came and picked Keri up at about 11.30am and was allowed up to 4 hours as long as she stayed with her foster parents. Keri absolutely loved being at home again, seeing her foster parents and just enjoying the environment. She totally forgot about her presents because she was so happy about the fact she was actually home for the first time in about two months! When she eventually got round to opening her presents she had a lovely painting by numbers and pair of leopard slippers from her foster sister and one of her foster brothers. Plus she got another painting by numbers, a book and a nice new set of pyjamas from her foster parents. Keri almost cried when she opened up her cards, especially the one from her foster parents which actually had the word "daughter" written on the front! She didn't cry at home but she did when she got back! They weren't sad tears though so that's good, right?
She even got to see her kid foster brother (another foster child who's 15) on the way back as they had to pick him up from his brother's. The foster agency had some stupid rule that said they gave permission for Keri to go home but her kid foster brother wasn't allowed in the house at the time. Ridiculous. But I guess it's safe considering how out of control Sally gets when she comes out nowadays. Keri had a good chat with him in the car as they were driving back to the hospital. He started asking about things like straitjackets! Keri couldn't help but laugh. She did enjoy the time she spent out but she was still paranoid and a little unfocused. Even so, it did her good to go home for a bit.
She got really depressed when she got back on the unit as she obviously doesn't want to be here! But she kept herself calm by tidying and sorting out her room and going through all her presents and sorting those out too. She was really grateful about all her presents and was thrilled with everything, especially a home visit! Although by the time it hit 7pm she was getting real annoyed with people saying happy birthday to her!
Keri had a chat with Blondie in the evening as Keri was a bit stressed. She'd been told that the liaison officer in charge of her court case is going to be visiting tomorrow, not something Keri is looking forward to. She's also been told that the officer is coming on Monday too so things are a little confused. Keri is supposed to be in court on Monday so the officer arranging a visit for that day makes no sense! Oh well, we'll find out tomorrow.
DAY 86 - 1st November, Friday
Well, not a great day. Keri was awoken by her personal advisor visiting who'd also bought her some presents, including a few small things for Clari and Jimmy! That was nice. The visit didn't go on for long though as the liaison officer arrived at 11.30am so Keri, her personal advisor, the liaison officer and Abz (one of the nurses) sat down and had a chat about what was going to happen at court. It wasn't good news some of it. The 'defendent' (can't currently be named for legal reasons) has now gone and hired a Queens Council along with his barrister. A QC is higher up than a barrister. The liaison officer's theory is that the defendent is scared of being put in prison because of how the jury reacted last time; they all
looked at him like he was shit on a shoe. Keri isn't only going to be going with her PA and foster mum, but now Abz is going to be coming from the hospital to make sure Keri can be managed properly if she dissociates or becomes too anxious. She's also working that afternoon so can fill the rest of the staff in on what Keri is like at the time, mood and behaviour wise.
Unfortunately this evening Big S came in with a piece of paper in his hand and said that the judge in charge of the case was being delayed due to a case overrunning unexpectedly so court is going to be delayed for a day, it'll start on Tuesday instead of Monday. So Keri will be at the hospital viewing her video evidence on Tuesday afternoon and then taken to be cross examined at Crown Court on Wednesday. Going to be really tough.
DAY 87 - 2nd November, Saturday
Keri (in quick terms as I haven't been around much) = tried scaling the fence, too many flashbacks to count, extra medication needed, isolated herself and spent most time in the HDU, garden in HDU was opened tonight so Keri doesn't have to interact with anyone as she's suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I haven't been around this evening so have no idea what's suddenly set her off! :( I've been trying to look for David today so haven't been paying much attention to Keri. I know, I feel really guilty about it but I needed a break!
DAY 88 - 3rd November, Sunday
Keri had another isolated day. She's been so plagued with flashbacks that she's starting to mix together the past and the present, almost like she can't tell the difference. In the end she couldn't take much more and at about 8pm she went to ask for some extra medication, which in her case is usually Lorazepam. She asked three nurses and stood at that reception desk for over 20 minutes before she completely went off her nut.
"Have they sorted out my fucking PRN yet?" Keri shouted angrily at the nurse behind the desk, the only available member of staff.
"Have you asked anyone?" she said.
"Yes!" she shouted. "Three different fucking people! You know what, fuck it! Forget it!"
"Keri, I can get someone to get you something. But they're busy with another patient," the nurse shouted after Keri as she stormed through the corridor to smoke.
"I don't give a fuck!" Keri screeched.
She ended up storming round and round the garden in torrential rain. Strangely enough a member of staff turned up with her Lorazepam after a couple of minutes, but Keri was way past the point of talking to anyone. She was persuaded to take the tablet and then left alone, being told a nurse would see how she was in ten minutes. Three quarters of an hour later and Keri was still storming around the garden, completely soaked through to the bone; she was so cold it had gotten to the point she wasn't even shivering anymore. Did she feel calmer? No. Had the staff come to talk to her? No. So in the end, after nearly an hour, Keri went straight to her room and reached a state almost like catatonia. She sat completely still, eyes unfocused, unresponsive to anyone talking to her. At points she comes out of it but then after a few minutes or if she's out smoking, she'll get into a position and sit like that and stare straight ahead, not even recognising where she is or who's with her.
DAY 89 - 4th November, Monday
Today has dragged on for all of us. It could have been a year for all we knew. Time is normal quite important but today it's been meaningless to Keri. She barely even checked her watch today even though she usually checks it religiously to make sure she hasn't dissociated without realising (which happens a lot).
She saw a doctor today who has put her Diazepam dose back up to 21mg per day instead of 15mg. This was supposed to have been done on Friday but everyone just completely forgot. It's to help her with her anxiety and stuff during the court case but when she first starts it she's like a zombie, although she's been like that the last couple of days even without the extra medication!
The day was completely destroyed when Keri went out for a cigarette this evening, nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual smoking routine. Except when Keri went out into the garden she found Bitch standing there being friendly to a few other patients. As soon as Keri and Bitch's eyes met it was an unsaid hate. Straight away she started with her snide comments and had a go at Keri over the fact she'd had to be moved to a different ward for the last five weeks because of the physical fight that happened between them that the staff had to deal with. Keri's not sure whether Bitch has learned her lesson as she was toeing the line less than five minutes of being together in the same room. One line that Bitch said that's stuck with Keri is, "I didn't even know she had it in her." This was referring to the fact that Bitch had no idea Keri would retaliate to what she was saying through physical aggression. The reason that line is stuck with Keri is because it's given her some kind of hope that Bitch learned her lesson the first time round. There's been no discussion around Keri's discharge being in the near future so Keri has no fear about her section or discharge being jeopardised if she punches Bitch in the face again. Hopefully it won't come to that, but Keri's strings are being pulled tighter with the overhanging gloom of the court case. I don't think it's going to go as smoothly as last time.
Keri also feels like a horrible human being because of last night. She kicked off because no one was sorting out her medication, only to realise after talking to the new guy today that he had a heart condition and had collapsed so the staff had to deal with that. This made Keri feel horrible about losing complete control of herself. She's been reassured by her foster brother, her mum and other people that she's not a bad human being for doing that. Still, she blames herself. She isn't a bad person. She didn't kick off on purpose. She didn't mean to cause a bit of chaos. She didn't mean to have flashbacks that were so intense she couldn't stand it, right at the time this guy collapsed in his room. How was she supposed to know what was going on? She'd isolated herself because of the stress. But no persuading her is going to make her think any differently. It's just her natural way of thinking, thinking it's her fault for everything that goes wrong.
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