Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months 1 day

Written by Fox.

DAY 155 - 9th January, Thursday

Keri had no chance of getting up early this morning. She had such a bad headache she could barely even open her eyes. One of the staff brought her medication up for her and she stayed with her face buried in her pillow until Becki turned up at the door for their appointment. It was 1pm and Keri told her to come in. After making a couple of coffees, Keri tried to keep her eyes open but really struggled. Just before Becki was due to leave Keri's headache suddenly disappeared which confused Keri a bit. Sally didn't do anything. She's messing with Keri's head to see if she can get Keri to do something herself. There's only so much talking the staff can do with Keri during the day, but at night? Sally's got Keri all to herself to chat to constantly. Any hope she builds during the day soon gets beaten back down again. It's no wonder Keri's suicidal.

She wanted leave to Tesco and the staff said nothing about her not going so she assumed it was perfectly fine. Keri was taking quite a risk. Even though her headache had disappeared, Sally had sometimes decided to jump out unexpectedly without any warning. Luckily, while she was stood outside the supermarket finishing her cigarette, Matt turned up as he was grabbing a few things himself. In the end Keri and Matt shopped together just in case something triggered Keri off. I'm really glad that he did that as there was a point where they passed a group of children and Keri felt a bit shaky.

She's even hallucinating again today, although she's convinced that what she's been hearing is real. She keeps hearing a baby crying. This is one of the noises that Keri gets really upset by and she's convinced that it's real. There's no doubt in her mind. There's no point with David trying to argue with her about it as there's no point. I just hope that hearing this crying baby is just the worst it gets and that she doesn't end up getting really badly unwell again.

Weirdly, Keri was very perky and chatty this evening. She was smiling laughing and joining in with banter, even teasing staff while sitting with them in the staff office. I'm really worried. For anyone that knows her, if she suddenly seems very happy it's a bad sign. Normally it means that she's finally made a decision about suicide or something similar. The spot Keri managed to find last time she ran away is really playing on her mind as she knows how remote it was. I'm just going to keep wishfully thinking that neither her or Sally will do anything. It was mainly Keri last time but now Sally knows where this place is she might get Keri there herself (Sally's navigational memory is a lot better than Keri's is). She's got an appointment with Fiona tomorrow anyway so maybe a bit of psychotherapy will help? As long as she doesn't cancel the appointment like she did on Monday! I think the police might be possibly be visiting as well but I'm not too clear about that.

Sectioned in Hospital - 5 months (22 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 154 - 8th January, Wednesday

Keri was up at 8 this morning! She even had her morning medication at 8.15 after an espresso! It's shocking really. She's absolutely exhausted. This evening before it hit 8pm she ended up falling asleep while watching TV and got up at 10.15pm so she was a bit more awake. She tried so hard to stay awake all day but in the end her energy just disappeared and she was asleep before her head even hit the pillow.

Keri's CPA for today? Keri was hanging around waiting for nearly 2 hours to be called in and it turned out that it turned into more than just a CPA and she never got called in! We hated it! We don't like big meetings where everyone just talks behind our back! She managed to sit with her foster mum for a bit afterwards who told her there had been about 13 people in the meeting, including 4 police officers. They even watched the video that the helicopter had recorded the last time Keri went missing, so the staff and Keri's foster mum saw it all. It was when Keri was perched at the edge of a railway bridge. I'm getting quite confused as three people have now asked Keri what she dropped down onto the railway track. Did she drop something? Not that I can recall! Unless maybe you count a cigarette butt as Keri was smoking while waiting for a train (she thought it made her feel warmer but of course that's just psychological). 

In the next couple of days Keri's going to be having a meeting with the ward manager and a couple of police officers. Now Keri's panicking as she woke up with such a terrible headache this evening, she can barely even open her eyes because of the pain. The last thing she wants is another incident taking place before she sees these officers! No self harm today unless you count the fact Keri's been thrashing her head against her bedrooms wall to try and get the voices out of her head. That's left a bruise. No one has complained as she's the only patient on the female wing so banging against the wall doesn't bother anyone.

Depression and panic pretty much describes Keri's evening. I'm worried about how much the unit is going to be handle before Keri's sent back to Lime Unit. Keri said to Matt after he'd come to speak to her outside that if she was sent to ECH then it would completely destroy her (that's in the literal sense). While this was happening Simon came out playing MC Hammer again... I think that's his new theme song. At least it made Keri smile.

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 152 & 153

Written by Fox.

DAY 152 & 153 - 6th & 7th January, Monday & Tuesday

***TRIGGER WARNING***

References to types of self-harm occurring within the last 24 hours.

Keri didn't get a peaceful night of sleep on Friday. She tried to settle but it didn't work. Then the fire alarm went off at 3.15am because a fellow insomniac went and burnt some toast! That was interesting as Keri and the other female patient walked down from the female wing with the other patient wearing only her underwear wrapped in a towel! In the end they didn't need to evacuate the building.

Yesterday Keri cancelled her psychotherapy appointment plus her physio appointment. Fiona actually text Keri and said, "that's unlike you, is it because it's raining?" What?! Why would Keri cancel an appointment over a bit of rain? She cancelled everything because she was too depressed to do anything. All she wanted to do was be in her room.

She managed half an hour of unescorted leave as her leave has been given back to her. She didn't want to risk going out for an hour just for the sake of it as she was feeling a little dodgy. She managed about 15 minutes today too although her co-key nurse, Gemma, was a bit against Keri going out as it was starting to get dark. In the end Keri managed to wangle 15 minutes and Gemma said she trusted her. That shopping Keri did was like supermarket sweep! She was running up and down the aisles like a maniac. At one point she was very close to dissociating because there was a crying baby in one aisle. If any noise distresses Keri, the first and foremost is the sound of a crying child. It sends a shiver right down her spine. She made it back within the 15 minutes though, which is lucky as 10 minutes after getting back it had gone pitch back outside! That was amazingly quick. Literally in the space of a couple of cigarettes the sun went down.

After waking up from a vivid nightmare at just gone 5am, Keri felt terrible. She tried laying back down after a few cigarettes in completely conked out again. She's totally drained. Sally plus the depression is never a good mix. Her physical health is terrible. Her asthma has got to the point that she has to carry her Ventolin inhaler with her all the time. She won't book an appointment either because her motivation is gone too.

Her self harm has been bad since she last failed to kill herself after disappearing on Saturday. In the last 24 hours alone she's made 12 cuts and a burn from her right hand down to near the bottom of her forearm. She's asked the staff for dressings. They know she's self harmed but she hasn't told them the extent of it. I think she thinks they think that she's probably only making a couple of small cuts and then dressing them. Yeah right! And Keri's not really into blabbing about how much she's self harmed. It's doubtful the staff will ask her directly how many times she's self harmed. If they did then she'd be truthful. 

Keri had a visitor today from a patient who'd been readmitted to Lime Unit. Kay was discharged three months ago on a CTO (Community Treatment Order). She'd breached the conditions of her CTO so her psychiatrist had her readmitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago. Keri gets along well with her as she has a lot in common. For one thing they've both got eating disorders, except Kat isn't in denial about it.

Keri has a CPA tomorrow. She's not looking forward to it at all. The psychiatrist here arranged it so I'm assuming it's so she can talk to all the people involved with Keri to learn more about her disorder and how to treat her. Total clueless animals. Treating us like guinea pigs. What's the point in them even trying to understand? They've made it quite clear they don't was us around. They just want Keri. You know what? Without us, there wouldn't be a Keri here to treat!

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 150 & 151

Written by Fox.

DAY 150 & 151 - 4th & 5th January, Saturday & Sunday

Keri got up around midday on Saturday. She'd had a really bad night and had needed extra medication. It was very noticeable to the staff and it wasn't something she was able to keep hidden. We were all shouting, she had a headache and all of us had given up. I'd made a post on Friday which she read like I asked. At the bottom I'd written "we're gone tomorrow". That was the truth. All of us had given up. So we didn't exist? Well, then let's make it that way.

She got up and hurriedly did her washing, knowing that when she asked for an hour of leave (she now has two separate hours of leave a day) that Sally would help her do something and that we'd succeed because even if the police were called before we'd killed ourselves, they'd be all preoccupied waiting and circling around near the suspension bridge.

Keri told staff she was going to the supermarket. She didn't even get near the inside before Sally came out, got her on a bus and the next thing Keri knows is she's standing next to a tall fence next to a railway line and the sun has gone down. Looking through her bag she managed to find the small torch she usually keeps in her bag, just in case. It's just a cheap one from tesco but it definitely is bright! She couldn't get over the fence and onto the railway line so ended up walking through woods and deserted areas for hours, consistently getting her feet stuck in mud or getting freaked out that her hallucinations were following her. She was absolutely freezing and on the verge of collapse

Finally, she managed to find a remote bridge that overlooked the railway. There were houses nearby but the path to the bridge was pitch black, and so was the bridge itself. Keri knew that no one would be walking around in the dark like that at that time of night. Even though she was stiff from the cold and felt like fainting, as soon as she looked over the railings she shone her torch down into the darkness. It was a mainline railway. The cold disappeared and she felt so calm and relaxed. Just as she was looking down, one train passed on the right hand side track so, after quickly looking to make sure no one was around, she climbed onto the wall and over the railing, perching on the edge of the bridge just over the track that the train had just crossed. She knew that her best bet would be jumping in front of a train from a bridge as the driver wouldn't see her until it was too late. 

After about fifteen minutes she was to the point where she was almost dangling off the side of the bridge and suddenly heard that familiar noise of the police helicopter. She prayed that hopefully because she was so cold, the thermal cameras wouldn't pick up on her. Unfortunately they found her and started circling to direct ground units to her. There were three officers that were quickly behind Keri. She didn't even realise they were there.

"Back up and give some space for a minute," said one male officer as they waited for more units. It was clear from Keri's posture that she was ready to jump as soon as she had the chance. It wasn't going to be long before a train turned up on her side of the track. The police knew this and I heard the same officer ask someone to make sure the trains were stopped. Keri heard nothing. She still was ignorant to her surrounding popularity, and tried ignoring the helicopter. The officer asking for the trains to be stopped had been too late, there was one on the way, Keri could see the lights and felt the vibrations on the bridge. Now, she thought. She glanced down at the dark tracks as the train got closer, thinking that it looked so peaceful. There was no panic, no distress. She just knew that she wouldn't have to feel anymore pain.

Before the train got too close, all of a sudden there were several officers grabbing Keri with every hand they could manage. Keri was startled and started struggling. I don't know whether you guys have ever watched the first series of Touch, but if she's touched by people without any warning or by people she doesn't know she starts struggling (which makes people hold onto her tighter), starts hyperventilating, and makes horribly distressing noises. She was shouting and crying and tried everything to get out of their grip. At one point they had to restrain her to the point of hurting her. It wasn't their fault though. Keri was still on the other side of the wall and railings. If they let her go she'd have tumbled down onto the tracks.

"Call in for more back-up!" an officer shouted down his radio. "She's still on the wrong side of the railings and we need help getting her back over. She's really struggling with us here." 

Keri didn't hear them say that either. She was suddenly blinded by the helicopter spotlight which attracted the attention of most of the houses lined up along the railway. With a bright light in her eyes, still alive and in an extremely panicked state, she totally zoned out. The officers somehow managed to get her over the railings and lift her from the wall and onto the floor. Again, they couldn't help but hurt her as they carried her over the top of the spiky railings as the struggling continued.

The officers managed to get her standing up and Keri was still unresponsive, making distressed noises, hyperventilating and staring at the floor as officers held onto her to put her in a police car.

"Hey Keri," one officer walking a few steps ahead said. "Do you remember me? I've met you before."

She didn't even hear his question. She was placed inside a police car without a struggle while a very kind officer sat in the back with her. Keri was rapidly rocking back and forth, still making distressed noises and hyperventilating. The officer put a hand on her back.

"Keri, it's okay," he said. "You're safe, you're with us now."

Keri remained unresponsive during the whole journey.

"Keeping an eye on her hands mate?" the driver said. 

"Yeah, there's no issue. She's not talking, or doing anything for that matter. Totally unresponsive."

They were bringing her back to Alder Unit.

"According to the inspector, we've just got to play good cop and then leave," the driver said. They were very kind to Keri. The inspector was absolutely fuming and was putting in another report and contacting Alder yet again. The police weren't angry at Keri, they were angry with the mental health system.

With Keri soon heavily doped up on medication and given a hot cup of tea, she was kept on one to one observation. Their main priority was to get Keri into some warm dry clothes before she started getting hypothermia, the second was to get her something to eat as she was so close to fainting. After that Keri was allowed to go to her room, still being checked regularly by staff. You would've thought that she'd have fallen asleep early but again it was another late night.

Not much to report on today. By the way, happy 18th birthday to Keri's younger brother Jamie! Keri's been in her room for most of it. One of the staff took her to the supermarket to get batteries as her unescorted leave has been banned. Staff have had the police on the phone for a while today talking about things as they're getting so angry. Let's see how tonight pans out. All of us are pretty annoyed that Keri was found. How do you instill hope into those that have none?

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 149

Written by Fox.

DAY 149 - 3rd January, Friday

I am SO ANGRY. The day started ok. Keri was unusually perky and her foster dad brought her TV in and set it up for her after they went to the supermarket to get a lead for the aerial. It looks pretty amazing and Keri enjoyed having some time with her foster dad. He even got to try some of Keri's coffee from her machine! It was a good break for her and it also gave the nurses a chance to get him to sign Keri's section 17 leave form as they are rarely able to get a relative's signature. 

So much has happened today but I'm just so angry right now. Keri had a key working session and the woman was such a bitch! She said to Keri that if Keri went AWOL and came back being verbally and physically aggressive then she should learn to control herself. Control herself? She's not even her fucking self! It's Sally doing that and no one has control of her behaviour when she comes out! You can tell I'm angry because I rarely swear! She then said that it was the view of the staff that they refer to Keri as Keri even if one of us comes out. What?! Do we not fucking exist anymore? I didn't mind it when we were all a secret and Keri was considered a delinquent but now they know us why should we be ignored? Why should our identities be trodden on? Why shouldn't we be treated like people? We are fucking people! Why can't people understand that!? We aren't just figments in Keri's head, we're all PEOPLE for gods sake. WE ARE REAL PEOPLE. SO DONT TREAT US LIKE WE DONT EVEN EXIST. It's degrading and offensive.

The only person we aren't offended by is good old Ade. He's working tonight. Keri was sat watching TV and we've all been shouting angrily since her session. As soon as Ade came in we all shut up, including Sally. Keri noticed this just as he was leaving, as we started up again afterwards. He's not clueless, he's met Sally before. I actually quite like him but it's really confused Keri. I bet you that by the time she goes to bed she will have gone to Ade and sat and had a conversation about it.

Screw all these bastards. We're gone tomorrow. I don't care what anyone says. Keri, Sally, do what you want. We don't exist so obviously you make all the decisions and are always in control of your actions. We're just your figments. Ignore us and we'll go away. STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. 

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 148

Written by Fox.

DAY 148 - 2nd January, Thursday

Keri was determined to try getting up early but it just didn't happen. She didn't get up until gone 1 and that was because one of the staff said she was due to start her physio again today at 2pm. 

The physio has decided to start afresh with Keri as there's so many problems with her physically! Let alone mentally! Today she focused on Keri's ankles and said that the problem could be that a muscle in her ankles keeps flicking over the bone, or it could be a small triangular piece of bone that most people don't have but some people are born with in their ankles. The only way to find this out is through having an X-ray but the physio is going to do some more tests with Keri to see which of her theories is most likely. Either way it means Keri's ankles are in need of long term treatment.

Keri's mum and "her partner" (they took the mick out of me for using that phrase today!) visited Keri today. It was a late Christmas. Keri gave them her presents which included some jewellery and a book that Keri had received from her foster carers on her birthday called The Stranger Inside. Keri thought her mum would be interested in reading it so bought her a copy! She also got John some special kayaking socks. Weird if you ask me! Keri received her usual chocolate from 'Rudolph' and got some really nice gifts. She now has a coffee machine sat on her bedside table and speakers that spray spouts of water in sync with the music it's plugged into! Keri loved the coffee from the machine and hopefully that means it'll help to get her out of bed. She's also currently listening to a song on her iPod that she's hooked up to the water speakers. I'm listening to it. There's got to be an undertone there. It's a song by Nickelback called 'Lullaby' which is basically about suicide and giving life a second chance. David put it on and let Keri back out while lying on her bed. He's put it on repeat so the song is playing again and again. It's almost like David is singing it to Keri. She hasn't turned it off so maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. My brain isn't working! I'm too tired!

David's running out of ideas on how to dissuade Sally from helping Keri with the whole suicide thing, even getting down to the last resort about saying how terrible the weather is! I'm not sure how things are going to pan out. His first argument was to ask that she let Keri see her foster parents first but Sally hates them! That part of the argument wasn't too productive! It's turned into heated conversation now rather than Sally agreeing fairly calmly over the fact New Years Day was a bank holiday...

Sectioned in Hospital - Day 147 (21 weeks)

Written by Fox.

DAY 147 (21 weeks) - 1st January 2014, Wednesday

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you've all had a good start and made a load of resolutions that most of you probably won't keep for more than two weeks! Although isn't that the point of new year resolutions?

Keri's spent most of her time in her room again, occasionally texting people and avoiding socialising again. She did manage to go out to the supermarket on her own. She wanted another DVD. She managed to find Season 11 of Family Guy which is the one season she was missing in her collection. She made it back safely which is what I was panicking about due to her thoughts yesterday.

David is back! I'm exhausted from having to do the responsible stuff all the time so I'm glad he's back. Last night he managed to talk to Sally and persuade her that today would be a bad day for Keri to commit suicide as it was a bank holiday, the bus outside the hospital isn't running and it would be likely Keri would have to sit and wait around on a railway track for an hour waiting for a train to finally appear due to the reduced services. Somehow Sally saw the rationality so Keri responded in the same way. The reason it didn't start off a full blown fight is because David didn't try and tell her not to do anything. He didn't turn around and say she shouldn't be helping Keri to commit suicide, he just said today wasn't the day to do it. That's bought us some time. I do admire David's way of being able to word things. 

I doubt anything will happen tomorrow as Keri's mum and her partner are visiting tomorrow in the late afternoon and bringing the dog. That should be a distraction and hopefully tire Keri out. Even so, things are quite unpredictable at the moment. Keri's mum is bringing Keri's GameCube games and remote except Keri can't use it yet as she's still been unable to get her TV. She's not annoyed by this though. It's been a busy time for her foster parents (especially with the amount her foster mum has been cooking!). She may even be moving rooms as she's the only female in the unit at the moment. There's currently three female rooms in the female unit and seven rooms in the male unit. One of the female patients has left, the other has been on leave. Keri noticed that the bedroom of the person who's left has carpet instead of laminated flooring so asked whether she'd be able to move. They've put her request down in their book to see what the manager says. I do admit, the room looks a bit bigger than the one Keri currently has but maybe that's because there's less stuff in it. Could be psychological.

Well, I know it's early but I'm tired, so is Keri. Another early night hopefully! She went to bed early last night but completely conked out until the afternoon. Her night was restless. She fell out of bed three times and at one point ended up with a nosebleed. I don't know how that happened, she might have whacked it on her bedside cabinet. I know it was because of a nightmare as none of us dissociated so it was down to her falling out of bed. Would be even worse if her mum and her partner hadn't bought her a thick furry rug to put down next to her bed!

Keri's new year resolution that's she's been set (making eye contact with people) hasn't gone well today! She's been slightly more talkative but only when spoken to or asked a direct question. I really don't know whether this is a good or bad thing!

She had her general observations done today and her chart came up as Amber. Her pulse came up as 138 on the machine, twice. The nurse checked it himself and noted how high it was and put it down as about 120. Her peak flow is also 270 so she needs to get her asthma rechecked as she got told that from the peak flow chart she had the lungs of an 85 year old woman! Matt also suggested she should book an appointment with her GP about her heart rate as it's been documented she's had a pulse of over 100 for over a year, sometimes it's even in the 120's when she's been doing nothing but lying down (observations are normally checked when a patient gets out of bed and Keri deliberately tries not to smoke so that it doesn't effect her pulse or oxygen levels). Apparently the high heart rate could be a sign there's something wrong with her heart as anxiety shouldn't cause her pulse to be high constantly, there would be some times where it would be lower than 100. Hopefully it's nothing serious. Keri's got enough labels and medications as it is!