DAY 62 - 8th October, Tuesday
Keri actually got up ready to go to yoga today! It starts at 11am. Even though she looked like the walking dead she still managed it. Afterwards she felt like she'd run a marathon! It's a good job the physiotherapist doesn't see her on Tuesdays because of the yoga. I'm not sure Keri would manage it!
Ward round? Ha! Turned out to be a CPA, or a "review meeting" as Keri's care coordinator called it. So instead of Keri walking in to see three people sat there to do the usual crap there was nearly a dozen people in that room! It was actually quite claustrophobic. Dr. Dickhead was there instead of Keri's usual psychiatrist as she wasn't able to attend. It was decided that Keri's risks were still too high and because Keri refuses to stay voluntarily to be treated (she still thinks there's nothing wrong) then they had to keep her on her section so they could carry on treating her. They're still also looking for a bed in one of the rehab units but Keri's care coordinator reassured everyone by saying that it was in hand. What annoyed me most was her medication change to do with her Diazepam. They put her from 21mg, 7mg three times a day, down to 15mg, 5mg three times a day. Cutting it by 6mg on one day? What is it with these people?
Keri had a meeting with her personal advisor (PA) from social services who hadn't been invited to the meeting! Sue was very apologetic. They seem to keep leaving her out! Sue filled her in on most of what was said and then left so that Keri and her PA could chat. I left them alone really. I didn't want to interfere. I do know that Keri is fed up with everyone talking about her future when she's so determined not to have one! She hasn't eaten all day again. Plus I still can't find David so at the moment we're a bit screwed.
Keri actually was allowed some leave, even though it was only ground leave and she was going with Jack who's a trustworthy patient. It was only a five minute walk but at least it got Keri off the ward for a bit, especially since we've had a new admission who's constantly kicking off. The problem is she keeps getting taken to seclusion, which is right next to our rooms in the HDU. So every time she gets dragged down there then us and the three other patients all have to hear the shouting.
There was massive upset this evening. One of her best friends in here, the one she kissed, had a really hard time. She had to sit and listen to Mick shouting and screaming from the dining area (all the patients were removed from there so most were in their rooms while others were smoking. Keri was in the garden. Mick had to be restrained by six members of staff (he's a body builder with a broken wrist!) and was injected in the arse three times, so degrading. He also took an overdose. Thankfully we found out it wasn't lethal and he didn't need to be taken to the hospital but Keri felt so helpless. She was pacing outside and Mick came over and tried to calm her down when she felt guilty that it should've been the other way around!
"Come on, Keri," he said. "Come and sit with us."
"I just don't know how to help you, Mick," she said as they hugged. "I know how you're feeling and I know there's nothing I can say that'll make you feel any better. I just care about you too much."
"It's okay," Mick said. "You going to come and sit with us or am I going to have to lift you up over my shoulders and carry you over there via fireman's lift?"
He started laughing and it did make Keri smile. She went over and sat with him on the edge of the wooden plant box, arms around each other, while Sheila and Jack sat on the bench.
"Fancy a game of pool doubles?" Sheila said.
"Sure, yeah," said Mick and Jack.
"Up for that, Keri?" Mick said.
Keri nodded as Mick, Sheila and Jack went inside to have some supper before setting up the pool. When Keri finished her cigarette she decided to go down to the HDU instead and hide in her room so people couldn't see her crying or getting upset. Then she was sat racked with guilt thinking that she was being really selfish by taking some alone time instead of forcing herself through a few torturous games of pool while faking a smile.
DAY 63 (9 weeks) - 9th October, Wednesday
Keri's spent most of the day alone, avoiding all eye contact and only talking if she's asked a direct question. She did take her medication but refused physio. By the time it hit 5.30pm Keri was having a really hard time battling with Sally. The staff refused to let her out on any leave as they knew she was going to dissociate. Instead they'd given her some Lorazepam earlier, and barely two hours later gave her her Diazepam. Nothing worked. She was still restless, agitated, wouldn't talk much. Cat wanted to lock her room so that if Keri dissociated she'd be on the ward rather than in her room getting sliced open. Keri's dead against that. She'd rather get hurt rather than find Sally's caused mayhem on the ward when 90% of the patients don't even know her disorder.
What I don't get is that they've cut her Diazepam by 6mg, yet still are giving her Lorazepam. Studies show that 1mg of Lorazepam is the equivalent of 10mg of Diazepam. So even though they've cut Keri down to 15mg per day, the Lorazepam equivalent puts it up to 25mg a day. What logic is that? They want to wean her off of benzos so that they have some leeway to be able to put it back up when she needs it around the court case, but all their doing is giving her two benzos instead! (For those that don't know, 'benzos' is short for benzodiazepines.)
By 6pm Keri was totally losing it. She was sat rocking back and forth on top of the concrete tennis table in the communal garden smoking and muttering incoherently to herself, spouting random bunches of numbers that seemed to mean something to her yet I had no clue what she meant. Four of the patients tried to get her to sit with them. Even one of Mick's hugs didn't ground her back, she barely even realised any of them were there.
After an hour in the freezing cold, Keri went back to the HDU and sat in her room rocking back and forward on her bed and still not talking to anyone.
Her foster mum arrived to visit her this evening which was really nice as it was quite unexpected. At first Keri was dreading it. She just wasn't in the real world right then. At first when they went to sit in an interview room Keri didn't talk much and just asked lots of questions. She was interested in the answers but kept zoning out. Eventually her foster mum actually got some smiles out of Keri and I think there was even a laugh. All day she had no smiles at all, her face completely void of emotion.
The staff let Keri go out with her foster mum to the supermarket, after checking Keri was okay. Keri's foster mum knows about Keri's switches anyway so she knows about warning signs. I was glad she was able to take her out. I respect Keri's foster mum for all the hard work, even though Keri's not their 'legal' daughter anymore, they still make her feel like she's part of the family (and us obviously!). Keri managed to get her coffee and drinks and even bought some pasta and chocolate. She needed food as she had been close to fainting most of the day. She gave the chocolate away in the end but did eat the pasta. And she remembered to buy a birthday card for her foster parents' grandson. He's 15 on 13th October. I doubt Keri will be able to see him but she can give her foster mum the card and her foster mum has ordered the present for him for her as she's not spending time on the Internet much, Keri will just give her the money.
So it's now gone 2am and Sally hasn't come out, leaving Keri with a very painful dissociative headache. Sally LOVES mind games. My prediction? They'll find Keri on her bathroom floor less than an hour after she wakes up later this morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment