DAY 61 - 7th October, Monday
Keri actually got up at midday today! Earliest she's been up for a long time! She didn't have much of a choice in the matter though. Her psychotherapy sessions have been changed from 1pm to 12.30pm on Mondays. Keri's psychotherapist turned up just as Keri finished her first coffee and third cigarette. They had their appointment out in the HDU garden as Keri didn't feel comfortable leaving the ward because of her floaty feeling (which normally is a warning sign someone is coming out but it's a gradual thing, usually Sally if she wants to play mind games). So it was best to have the appointment within a safe environment. Keri spoke a lot about the bug today, and the paranoid hallucinations of the guys following her (which she still thinks are all real!). She also said that she'd gone online yesterday night! Massive achievement for her even though it's short bursts. So the topic of Keri's DID Awareness page came up and Keri was amazed. The last time she went on it the amount of supporters we had were just over 500, now we have over 900! She was astounded at how much her page had just blown up! So they spoke a lot about some of the people from the page and how she knew she wasn't alone but still felt so very alone anyway. There was nothing her psychotherapist could say that could get her out of her suicidal thoughts, although did say she could use the phone and Internet (if it's being used to track her then she's already got a bug in her head and the guys following her know she's in hospital anyway!). I like Keri's psychotherapist as she never argues with Keri about her delusions or psychotic thinking. I think that's why their relationship is so good. Her psychotherapist handed over to the staff about the 'floaty feeling'. Luckily, one of the nurses (Blondie!) has experience with Keri's DID and knows that the floaty feeling never ends well!
Less than half hour after her therapy session and she had to go and do her physio. She's building up more and more repetitions for each of her exercises but if anything it's wearing down her joints even more. Hopefully Keri's care coordinator gets a bed in one of the longer term units in this hospital rather than elsewhere so Keri can continue with the physiotherapist for a couple of years to see if the problem can be diagnosed and treated properly. It's a guessing game at the moment.
After physio, Keri was finally trying to relax in the garden after an exhausting few hours before a nurse came out and said she had a phone call.
"From who?" Keri said, wondering who the hell would be phoning.
"Your aunt," she said.
"You serious?" Keri said, suddenly hearing the patient line ringing. She stubbed out her cigarette and went inside. The nurse had already answered the phone so Keri just picked it up.
"Hello?" Keri said.
"Keri? It's Auntie Lynne," Lynne said from the other end of the phone.
Wow! The smile on Keri's face! She loves her aunt and uncle to pieces and hasn't seen them for a while. They know she's been sectioned for a long time now and are going to visit Keri next week which will be brilliant for her! I think her aunt said something about it being a five hour trip? Keri felt a bit awkward when her aunt said that as she didn't want to ruin their day having to drive but her aunt insisted that they didn't mind. They might even get a game of badminton in if the sports hall is free that afternoon! They're planning to come after Keri's psychotherapy session on Monday, so around 2pm.
This evening Keri wanted some unescorted leave to the supermarket as she knew Sally would gladly get Keri to the suspension bridge. Unfortunately Blondie was too clever. She had a quick discussion with the other staff in the office and said that she wasn't allowed out on her own as her psychotherapist had handed over that Keri was experiencing this 'floaty feeling'. During Keri's last admission this had happened with Blondie before and she knew exactly what it meant this time. It meant watch out, something bad is gonna happen! So instead Blondie compromised and escorted Keri to the supermarket herself. Keri bought a fair amount of food as she's now decided she's fasting 6 days out of the week and then on Mondays she can eat. She bought a pot of cheese and tomato pasta, carrot sticks, hummus and some chocolate. She was very tempted to buy a lot more but knew that if she ate too much she'd spend the evening making herself sick.
When they got back to the unit, Keri had her medication and then sat down at about 7pm to watch the new Orphan Black episode. She didn't even get five minutes into it before finding herself on her bathroom floor next to a pool of blood, hearing in the background Orphan Black still playing on her iPad. Sally had cut open Keri's wrist three times. Keri instantly gagged at the sight of it. She grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her arm to stem the bleeding and hit the panic button to set off the alarm. The staff came running into the room and Blondie stayed with Keri as she knew Keri's DID a lot better than other staff. She tried helping Keri calm down as she was hyperventilating and not breathing properly, and feeling sick due to the blood loss.
They helped her walk slowly to the clinic room so that she didn't collapse on the way there and when they got her in they laid her down on the bed to examine the wounds more closely. There was a long debate over whether to try using steri strips and covering the wound so they didn't unstick from the tension or whether to get her to A&E for sutures. Everyone had a different opinion. In the end, because of the state Keri was in they decided to try steri strips and put a couple of dressings around it so it was all secure and could be assessed tomorrow. Big S gave her some Lorazepam and then Keri went outside and smoked a few cigarettes.
One of the patients came outside, Carly, and sat opposite Keri on the bench.
"What's up Keri?" she asked. Keri ignored her.
"Oi, get out of yourself," Carly said, pushing Keri's head up.
"That's exactly what I'm fucking doing!" Keri shouted. Thankfully Carly walked off and Keri hasn't seen her since.
Jack came outside after a while and asked what was wrong as he'd been sat in the communal area with several other patients when Keri had to be taken to the clinic room. For the first time Keri decided to explain what her disorder was.
"Do you know what Dissociative Identity Disorder is?" she asked him.
"No, I can't say I have," he said.
"Well, basically, if you're a child and you've gone through extreme trauma then sometimes a child has no escape so to keep the memories locked up and the emotions the child splits off parts of themselves into different personalities," Keri explained.
"Oh I see," he said. "That explains a lot then."
Keri didn't even want to know what he meant by that but it felt good to explain it.
"Yeah... Well when these personalities come out I have amnesia," Keri said.
"Really?" Jack said. "Jesus that sounds rough."
Unfortunately another patient came out and said, "oh, does that mean you're schizo then?". No it bloody doesn't! People with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities unless comorbidly diagnosed with DID! For me, that's the most annoying assumption in the world for people to make.
Well, it's Keri's ward round tomorrow. I've no idea how it's going to go, especially after Sally's antics today. It'll be 9 weeks she's been here on Wednesday and she's just getting worse as the court case gets closer. That's probably why Sally is so confused and revved up. She's not keen on the court case either!
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