Back to Blogging!

I’m back in action! Just reminding you all that I’ve fully taken over the blog now (me, Fox) and have done for a long time before I had to stop blogging for a bit if you haven’t read the ‘About Me’ section. I’ve updated that page and the disclaimer page too.

Anyway, what’s been happening?? We’ve been discharged from our long four year section for about 18 months now and we’ve only had to go back a few times since then. It’s taken a long time to adjust to life outside of hospital but we’re really enjoying it. I love to go on evening walks to see the stars but was never allowed to in hospital because of all their rules. Now I can! The staff here are really good. We live in our own flat but have 24 hour support and a lot of 1 to 1 time with a small group of them. I’ve really missed writing my blog. We share an Instagram account now so all of us can post when we want to rather than us all having separate Facebook accounts. 

For a few months Keri went missing. A teenage alter was out instead. She appeared out of nowhere and none of us even knew she existed. Keri had a relapse with her drinking and in December she had a case of the DTs when she stopped drinking. A few days later she was gone and a teenage alter was here! Keri didn’t come back until the end of March and that was only because me and several other alters were on a mission to find where she was. Keri isn’t actually the original person to be born. The original ‘alter’ is kept hidden and has been since she was about 8 years old. We chose Keri as our host but that was a long time ago. That’s something that’s for a whole book to write about! 

Since we got Keri back, the last few months have been a bit all over the place. While the teenage alter was out she moved flats. We’re in the same building but had to move to the ground floor due to health issues. With several alters having eating disorders and the arthritis in various joints, it was a safety thing. The managers and staff didn’t want Keri to end up fainting and falling down two flights of stairs or tripping whenever she had to use her crutches. A lot of us were really insecure to begin with as it’s the GROUND floor. But there’s cameras everywhere. That’s reassuring. 

We didn’t realise how good life was outside of hospital. We’d never had this independence before so we didn’t even know what we were missing. Now we never want to let it go. I hated the few times that we had to go to hospital since living here but I know it had to be done for safety reasons. There’s no restrictions here besides open flames and not smoking in the flats. I can deal with that. I’m even allowed to go out to walk in the evenings. We’ve got a few things in place between me and the staff just so I’m safe. Because of the fact I can’t talk there’s obviously worries there as if I get into trouble I can’t shout or call out. I’ve got a pretty solid plan though and I get along really well with the staff. 

When we moved here, I was worried. The staff had never worked with anyone with DID before. I think to begin with they didn’t know how to react when I came out, or any other alters for that matter now. But as time has gone on, it’s just normal now, and none of us has to worry about not being accepted or just being ignored and pretending we don’t exist.

It’s actually my birthday tomorrow, along with my twin sister Clari’s. We stay 15 every year but love celebrating anyway! Clari has been having a hissy fit because Keri is on her crutches right now. That means Clari can’t “dance to her tunes”. I’ve promised Clari that if we can’t celebrate tomorrow then I’ll save my celebrations until the body is physically capable of handling Clari’s mania! Our key worker wants to see Clari tomorrow for her birthday but if we can’t do it tomorrow then I don’t mind waiting a week. Maybe it’s a silver lining. If we have to wait a week to celebrate, depending on the body’s joints, then I can get some decorations or something to boost Clari’s mood. She doesn’t get depressed much. She’s normally a ball of energy, like a toddler who’s had 10 cups of coffee loaded with sugar! But she’s a bit low tonight and is blaming all the alters with eating disorders for the fact that the excessive exercise has messed with her birthday. I can’t say I’m happy about it but I’m also considerate. Eating disorders are illnesses and it’s not like they’ve done it on purpose to mess with our birthday. 

We have a private therapist now and she’s amazing. She’s experienced on various illnesses but especially DID and eating disorders. She also does family therapy which some of us hope to do in the future with Keri and her birth mum. Their relationship is a lot better than it used to be and Keri is determined to make it work but there’s concerns from various people, including mental health professionals. It’s understandable though with the history which I’m definitely not going to go into. You’d get the general gist from posts I made years ago on this blog but I don’t want to go there now. I’m in a fairly good mood and I don’t want to spoil that.

Over the next few months I’ll be able to catch everything up from the last couple of years. The main thing is we’re no longer in hospital! We actually have a home address not a ward address! There’s times I get very frustrated with people, especially when I can see something is really wrong like with the episode Keri is having at the moment. But other than that I couldn’t be happier. I’d love to meet some new people but I’m not sure how they’d respond to me, especially if they don’t know we have DID. It can feel very isolating. But I’m going to see if I can go to the community centre to meet some people with a support worker. Keri goes every Wednesday with.. let’s call her CW. I might ask Keri if she can bring it up this week with her to see how it would work. Staff are fine with me communicating via paper but I’m not sure how other clients from other places would react. I think it’s worth the risk of being thought of as weird. Loneliness is horrible and what if I do meet someone I really get along with? I love my family but sometimes it’s nice just to have some friends to count on. Friends that aren’t other alters! Don’t you think I should at least try? I hope so. 

It’s been great to write my first post again. I’d almost forgotten how great it feels to write one! Almost.. It’s the greatest outlet I’ve ever had. Hey, maybe you’ll see me in a YouTube video on our channel in the future! Have a good night fellow bloggers :D

Potential Discharge in August/September

Written by Fox.

We've now been sectioned for 3 and a half years. We've been back on acute wards since October last year. BUT it's looks like things are on the upwards and we could be getting discharged in several months! By that point we'll have been sectioned for over 4 years.

Dissociating has been a big problem for Keri over the last 23 years and it's not going to disappear any time soon. We are as real as she is and we deserve to live lives too. Keri has, over the last year or so, learned that accepting us and not fighting or ignoring us all the time, makes all of us happier and more cooperative. Sally has reared her head a fair few times and in the last couple of months we've needed about 50 stitches. But we haven't been put in seclusion. Yes, Keri, Sally and a few others have been restrained on various occasions but we haven't been secluded. Hopefully I haven't jinxed us!

Since moving back to the ward we're on now, one of Keri's accommodation workers has been looking for somewhere for us to go. Right now they've referred us to an organisation that is able to provide independence along with 24 hour care. We had the choice of a shared house or a single flat. After Keri had a meeting with us (we have a daily get together every evening so that everyone can air their opinions about the day or anything that's been discussed or experienced) and we all decided we would prefer a flat so that we can live as much as Keri does. The flat would also, initially, be staffed 24 hours a day. I think there's a staff area for a block of flats and basically there's panic buttons or a phone number for you to ring but I'm not definite. I think Keri knows more details. I'm not about constantly. The place they're looking at opens in August. With a phased discharge, and an anniversary that triggers Sally and Keri big time at the beginning of September, we probably will be officially completely discharged by the end of September/beginning of October. We'll be able to celebrate Keri's birthday! Clari already plans to decorate our flat for Keri when we're out as a nice surprise after being in hospital so long. Everyone is hoping that a slow, phased discharge will mean that we stay out of hospital. Sacrificing an extra few months in hospital to make sure we all stay out rather than rushing it and end up yo-yoing is a good option for all of us. We've talked about it.

They're finally sorting our medication out which is good for me because I need medication like Keri does. We're back on two anti-depressants combined together as it's the only thing that seems to fight our depression. We're also back on anti-psychotics, though I don't feel 100% so hopefully Keri can ask the psychiatrist to up the dose, both for her benefit and mine. I haven't felt very good since we were taken off them back in September. That's partially why I haven't been writing posts. Some of the alters keep saying that I've been acting weird. I can't see it myself but I know when I need to listen to them. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to see our therapist soon. I get along with her really well and used to talk to her a lot. I planned to see her last week but when the time came I didn't feel up to it.

Keri's compensation claim has now come through (although I won't state how much as that's Keri's business not yours!). We have a bit of savings now for when we get out of hospital. Keri is also going to look into volunteering so she can build on getting a job when the time is right but the rest of us have issues with that. What about us? We don't all like the same thing. Last time Keri volunteered as at the cats and dogs home and she never actually did any work. It was Clari that did it all. Keri just did the travelling to and from. It annoyed her a little bit as she wanted to experience work life too but I think Clari needed an outlet. I don't see why though as by this point she was still sneaking out and having sex with anyone she came across, both male and female! She's not bisexual, she just has an addictive personality. She gets a little obsessive at times about it!

Keri's met a lovely guy and has been chatting to him since December. A few of us have also had little chats with him just to get a feel of what's going on. I'm hoping that if things start getting serious then Clari will curb her sex habits otherwise it won't be fair on him. He knows about Clari's behaviour and all about us. Even Sally has spoken to him, though I don't know what was said as she doesn't feel like sharing. None of us ask about each other's conversations much either as, even though it's hard respecting privacy with one body to share, we still respect each other's personal space. Hopefully he's coming to see Keri tomorrow. We've all decided to leave them to it when they meet so that they have time together rather than us dissociating all over the place. This guy is very accepting of us and knows we have been sectioned for a few years yet he's still supportive and understanding. Things look promising.

So things are looking up! I can't wait until we're discharged. We have 15 minutes unescorted leave a day now which could be going up to 30 minutes next week. Our therapist and the staff know that at some stage something is going to happen and Sally may kick up a fuss, but they understand it's about MANAGING the risks not ELIMINATING them. Eliminating them will be completely pointless and frustrate us all. But managing them? As long as we can keep safe I don't see the issue. A lot of us are talking to the staff. Penny has spoken to several members of staff and due to this hasn't ligatured since we moved back here in December, which considering what she was like in intensive care is a big improvement.

For some reason Keri has been getting really physically unwell. Since December we've needed to be admitted to a medical ward 3 times which results in fluids, oxygen, and IV antibiotics. Unfortunately we find hospitals threatening so Sally comes out quite a lot when we're in medical hospitals or Keri freaks out with flashbacks. This usually results in restraint and IMs. Last time she was admitted they managed to get her to take oral medication rather than being jabbed so that's good. Hopefully we won't end up in a medical hospital again. I'm not sure why we've had so many serious chest infections but our immune system seems to have gone down the toilet. The doctor said it could be down to poor dietary intake. Keri's eating hasn't been brilliant as she's been purging a lot and because I've not felt great I haven't been able to come out and eat for her. The others have been distracted either looking after me, stopping Sally when they can, or looking after the littles. Our therapist has said anything she can do to help we just have to ask, even if it's for one of the littles to come out and play for an hour. She said give her some warning and she'll arrange to bring a selection of toys for them. She's a lovely woman and I'm going to be very sad when we have to start seeing someone else.

I'll update as soon as I can. All depends on whether the psychiatrist can help me. I'm not sure how accepting he is of all of us but he's a lot better than the last one in our old unit who didn't even believe we existed. It was horrible.

Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit

Written by Fox.

We've been in many different types of unit, but up until several months ago we'd never been in psychiatric intensive care aka PICU. So what is a PICU like?

We had been in the open rehab for a few months. In September last year we went downhill very quickly. On Keri's daughter's anniversary Sally absconded and ended up being brought back by police after she ended up at Keri's birth mother's again. The staff dealt with it. What they couldn't deal with a few weeks later was Keri's risk to herself. She was suicidal. And I mean acutely. She had to be placed on 1:1 observation (a member of staff with her at all times) and a few days later we were all told that we were going to be transferred to psychiatric intensive care due to the high risk.

We were sat in our room and Keri was talking to her 1:1. The deputy manager came upstairs and told us we were going to be transferred. They grabbed a bag of her stuff and we went downstairs, where 4 members of staff from the PICU were waiting. Obviously they'd been expecting trouble. They were right to. Keri panicked. As soon as she stepped out of the door she tried to make a break for it and ended up restrained until we got to the PICU (which was only a 5 minute walk across the hospital grounds).

When we first arrived on the unit, we were taken through an airlock and into a secluded area. All of us were on red alert due to the fact we'd never been in intensive care. Sally was ready to explode at any threatening opportunity. Keri was strip searched and had literally everything taken away and was given a set of hospital pyjamas with no pockets or any hidey holes. This meant that her and Sally's razors that Sally had hidden in the lining of Keri's tracksuit bottoms were found due to the metal detector they used.

We were shown around the unit. It was the bare minimum. Intensive care units are classed as 'low stimulus' which means there is literally nothing there to distract you except the TV, and at that point none of us had the concentration to focus on it anyway. We were shown to our room and put on 5 minute observations (a member of staff had to check on us literally every 5 minutes). If anything this was worse than 1:1. At least with 1:1 you know someone is there constantly so you know there is no point whatsoever in trying to do anything. However, if you're on 5 minutes, you have that freedom to self-harm or try and kill yourself but you also know that if it takes more than 5 minutes then you're going to get caught pretty quickly.

Due to Keri's state of mind, even a minute alone was enough for her to try stuff. Headbanging, punching walls, trying to choke herself on tissue paper (which was also restricted, you had to ask for toilet paper every time you went to the toilet). The unit also triggered off Penny. Penny ligatured a couple of times in the secure unit but in intensive care she was doing it every chance she got. Keri only did it a couple of times in the beginning, the rest of the time it was Penny. Penny is also suicidal so it's not a great combination to have.

At one point Keri and Penny had ligatured so many times in the space of several hours that the only thing the staff could do was to strip us of everything and put Keri in an anti-ligature suit. This is a suit that is made of material that can't be ripped. It's basically shorts and t-shirt in the same material that Keri's anti-ligature blanket was made out of (she wasn't allowed a duvet or pillow due to her risk). We were all freezing while we were stuck in that suit.

Sally came out a couple of times so we did end up in seclusion at one stage. Sally kicked a member of staff in the back and ended up being dragged to seclusion. What made her even worse was the fact that the staff had to restrain her while also taking off her clothes and underwear to put her in an anti-ligature suit just in case Penny came out while we were stuck in seclusion. Despite Keri switching back out after about an hour we were kept in there for over 4 hours. It was horrible and, for Sally, humiliating.

We spent about a month there before we stepped down to an acute ward (which is A LOT less restrictive). We weren't allowed to make our own drinks and were given lukewarm drinks every hour in paper cups. The garden was open for 10 minutes an hour for people to smoke and between midnight and 6am it was kept shut so no smoking allowed unless you had a restless night. If you did then they allowed you one 'discretional cigarette' in that time period.

Overall we never want to go there again. It was worse than the secure unit. It was degrading and humiliating. The things the staff had to do were last resorts and were to keep us safe but it didn't stop us feeling like our dignity was completely taken away. Even Sally felt ashamed when they had to strip her off in seclusion and that, of course, made her worse.

PICUs are a last resort when someone is critically unwell, for instance being acutely suicidal or dangerous because you're very psychotic. It's not a very good environment to be in at any time, but personally I think it's even worse that very unwell people are put in those kinds of units. It's all well and good keeping them safe from themselves or other people safe from them but there's no distraction or stimulus. It's an environment that you can literally do nothing except brood and reflect, and you end up trapped in your own head. If we ever end up in a place like that again, Sally has already said she'll stay out constantly to protect us all as she sees it as a constant threat. I honestly cannot blame her for thinking like this, but realistically it would mean we'd end up being kept in there a lot longer.

Blog Pending

Written by Fox.

Just to let you all know we're out of secure! Unfortunately things have gone downhill. We went from secure, to open rehab, to psychiatric intensive care, to acute, all in the space of 4 months. I'll be writing a blog post tomorrow.

Merry belated Christmas everybody!

Sectioned in Hospital - 2 years 10 months 6 days

Written by Fox.

What can I say? Most things are getting pretty positive right now! 

We had our CPA last Tuesday and it went well. We just have to wait for a bed now so we can go back to the rehab unit back in Bristol. I'm hoping it'll give me more of a chance to see our foster parents too. As Keri only goes once a fortnight we try not to hog the spotlight and leave them to it. I think of all the time we've gone home I've only seen them twice. Maybe three times. It'll be nice to see them again. But anyway, the problem is we don't know how long it's going to take for us to get a bed. It could be a couple of weeks, it could be a couple of months. Everyone agreed that this environment is now doing more harm than good. We have no time frame. All we know is that we're currently second on the waiting list. We're trying to stay positive even though at times it's been difficult.

We are continuing our CAT and MBT with our therapist. Keri saw her today actually. We were all a bit peeved with her as she said in the CPA that we are all 'parts of Keri'. It almost made it sound like we weren't even real. That really hacked us off. We were open with the therapist about it today and she clarified that that isn't what she meant and apologised for making us all upset. We discussed it in one of our daily meetings. I'm glad she's one of the people in the world that actually listens rather than talks down at you. She takes our opinion as a whole and doesn't single us out if we've done something wrong. I like her. It'll be a shame when we leave as we've all grown to trust her now.

The only thing that's really gone downhill is Keri's fluid intake. Food is, overall, better than it has been in a long time and that's pretty much down to a lot of encouragement from staff and, sometimes, it means the rest of us coming out from time to time and actually eating for her. Her weight is now stable as she's trying her hardest to stop making herself sick after meals or, well, food in general. She has a care plan in place e.g. handing in her toilet key for an hour, not being allowed to her room as it has a sink in it etc. She's really struggling but credit to her, she's doing really well with that which means she's currently a stable and healthy weight. Over the last several days her fluid intake has been minimal which has resulted in her blood pressure dropping too low over the last few days. Due to this she isn't allowed her unescorted leave. This isn't a punishment, it's just that if any of us start feeling weak and dizzy and we aren't with staff than we're a bit screwed really. Despite this she still managed to get out today in group leave as staff were going to be there. 

She hasn't presented too well over the last few days, seriously low in mood, switching all over the place. Our therapist said this was to be expected. Hopefully, with our usual hard work, we can get back into the swing of things in the next few days. I'm remaining positive. I know how strong we all are. I know what we've fought through. We've done it this long, why shouldn't we be able to do it now?

Attitude Adjustment

Written by Fox.

We have had a good few months. We got assessed by the manager of Alder Unit along with the psychiatrist. I, personally, have not met the psychiatrist, though I knew the manager, but Keri knew both of them. Overall it was good, and Keri was very honest. We all agreed beforehand that things should be honest and open, even if it's something bad, otherwise we won't get the help and support we genuinely need. The manager said he was willing to give Keri a chance and decided he was going to come to Keri's CPA on Tuesday to decide what's going to happen. Everyone is expecting the transition stage of moving to happen very soon, like decided at the CPA. That's what everyone involved is expecting anyway. Reading Keri's reports, there doesn't seem to be much going on in the way of incidents. In fact, most of the incident forms that have been filled out involve me and not Keri! Everyone agrees that Keri staying here, along with us, is now doing more harm than good and is detrimental to our mental health. 

We no longer need this kind of security because, be amazed, we've gotten somewhere with Sally! Oh yes, what we used to class as the destructive demon teenager is now no longer so destructive. Therapy has finally helped us. For those that don't know, Keri has been working with her psychologist using a cognitive analytic model and a structural dissociation model, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, because of all Keri's hard work with her psychologist Sally is now willing to listen to what we have to say. Our attitude towards her has changed, we don't hate her because of what she does anymore, so her attitude towards us has changed too. Don't get me wrong, we are still having problems as she's never been able to build trust with anyone because as soon as someone meets her they get pushed away because she's so angry and violent. The only people that stuck by us is Keri's foster parents. Even Keri's mum is starting to understand a bit more than she used to. Keri will never leave Liz and Phil as she's adopted them as parents, much like I have, but her relationship with her biological mum has improved loads after they had a no contact agreement for six months. This is even after Sally went and tried to kill her. 

Our psychologist has stuck by us through thick and thin, no matter what's been thrown at her. Keri trusts her, I trust her, many of the others trust her. It's going to be hard changing psychologists when we all move but the one thing that needs to stay consistent is that Sally is listened to and respected. If that's the case then she has less reason to act out. She's not perfect, none of us are, but it'll be an even bigger breakthrough when Sally meets someone she trusts. That'll take a long long time but I'm feeling optimistic! Wish us luck for our meeting on Tuesday!

Medication and D.I.D.

Medication can be both helpful and unhelpful when it comes to the treatment of D.I.D. There is no such thing as a magic cure and there currently is no form of psychiatric medication that stops switching completely. Medication is normally used in conjunction with therapy (whether that be EMDR, MBT, CBT, DBT, CAT etc). While medication cannot really help stop switching it can be used to treat co-occurring mental health problems that go alongside DID. It is rare for someone with DID to not have another disorder alongside it. Some disorders that can occur can include - but not limited to - borderline personality disorder, psychotic disorder, depression, bipolar, eating disorders and PTSD. 

I asked some people that have DID to tell me what medication they take and whether it helps. Many of them felt the medication helpful in treating symptoms that were caused by another disorder, such as depression or psychosis. However, a few people thought that medication could do more harm than good. It is hard for someone with DID to be put on medication when their switching has become out of control and frequent as many alters may have differing views on medication which could mean some alters stash medication, fail to take them completely or alter the dosage they are supposed to have.

Here is a very short list of the medication a dozen people I asked are on. These are just a few examples of the kind of medication someone with DID can take (and the reason why) if they have symptoms that are affecting their day to day life (not including the rapid switching of alters);

Psychosis - Amisulpride, Olanzapine, Quetiapine, Clopixol, Risperidone, Geodon

Depression - Mirtazapine, Sertraline, Venlafaxine, Florouxetine, Wellbutrin, Effexor

Mania - Lamictal

Anxiety - Diazepam, Lorazepam, Promethazine, Ativan, Visteril

Taking medication is assessed on an individual basis. What works for one person may not work for another and you may have to try many if you are thinking of going down that road. Some people are quite content about being on no medication and that opinion is also perfectly valid. I, personally, have gone through over a dozen different combinations of tablets before settling on the medication I am on now that seems to be working. I'm one person with DID that needs medication to function day to day.

Always consult a psychiatrist before taking any psychiatric medication, altering your dose, or weaning off any of your medication.