I met my new psychiatrist, LH, from the adult services today. Bearing in mind I was 18 in October, I've only just met her. I wasn't even supposed to be seeing her until February but somehow she managed to suddenly come up with an appointment as I'm in crisis mode. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME.
I don't like her. I can hardly speak properly as I can't concentrate as Sally etc (the voices I hear) were being a right pain in the ass. I got no diagnosis, no change in medication, nothing. There was actually no point in me even going. The only thing I got out of it was meeting this woman who was now in charge of my care.
What annoyed me most? She asked how my sleeping was. I said it was terrible. It had been alright when I was on the diazepam but I'm off of that now and my zolpidem doesn't work in the slightest so I had about an hour last night. I keep my music on so that I can try and fend away the voices so I'm not focused on them while I'm trying to sleep. It's never on overly loud, it's just for background noise. Laying in silence in a semi-dark room (I have a night light as I tend to have nightmares or hallucinations) is never the best idea when trying to ignore persistent voices that try to keep you awake. Her answer to sleeping better? "Try sleeping with your music off". THAT WON'T HELP ME IN THE SLIGHTEST. The topic of me hearing voices never even came up. I couldn't bring it up myself as I'm having great difficulty in speaking. The brain is whirring. I can see the sentences in my head but when it comes to saying them out loud.. well.. it's difficult.
Because of hardly being able to vocalise what I needed to, I couldn't ask about my diagnosis, I couldn't ask for a medication change, I couldn't ask her to help me stop Sally etc from talking, I couldn't ask her to help with my agitation. SHE DID FUCK ALL. Her conclusion was to wait it out and carry on taking the medication I'm currently on.
She did nothing to help try and keep me calm and gave me no advice on how I can try and calm myself down. I found this unbelievable. I was pacing up and down the waiting room when my psychiatrist and CPN came to get me for my appointment, and while I was sat in that room my leg was twitching like a pneumatic drill, I was writhing my hands together and rocking. Most of the time I wasn't aware I was doing this but sometimes I noticed and realised how much I was actually moving. She even commented on the fact I was quite agitated. Why comment if you can do nothing to help?
Total waste of my time. I didn't even want to leave the house this morning. My CPN, AC, sat there and said nothing. I at least thought she'd try and cut in with some comments to help me along considering how difficult I'm finding it to talk even in simple sentences. But nothing. Total silence. The only comment she made was that I'd "been like this for a couple of weeks". Is that helpful to me? NO IT FUCKING ISN'T.
I'm on my own again. Fuck mental health services. I want my old psychiatrist back. I want my old care co-ordinator back. They knew me well. I know I can't go back to them as they work in the child and adolescent services. I want to discharge myself from the adult mental health services. I still feel like I'm in "no name = no cure" land and I'm still living in a nightmare. I still don't know when it's going to end. My psychiatrist SUCKS. My old psychiatrist was brilliant in regards to trying to sort out medication and help me through things. Once she'd started me on medication again she made sure she saw me every week or so. This is the first time I've met my adult services psychiatrist, and probably will be the last.
I'm so angry and upset right now. I thought I'd get the support. It's obvious I need it right now, and it's not my fault that I can't ask properly. It's not my fault my head is whirring at such a speed that I can't keep up. It's not my fault that Sally etc are totally cutting down my concentration levels. I can't function.
The only bit that was reassuring about that whole time I was in that god forsaken place (I was there for 50 minutes of hell..) was when the guy that is running the group I'm starting next week, CA, came up to me and said that he knew I was having a very difficult time and that if I needed him at all then just to get my foster carer to ring up and give him a call. THAT WAS THE ONLY REASSURING PART. And he's not even one of my workers. I mean what the actual fuck? I get more help from someone who doesn't work directly with me than I do from the people that are supposed to be looking after me.
I HATE THIS. FUCK YOU SHRINK.
-endrant.
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