Adult Diagnosis

LH, my shrink, finally managed to ring me today, she was off yesterday. I needed answers. I don't know whether she really gave them to me, but she did specify that I was diagnosed with "Emotionally Unstable" (aka Borderline) Personality Disorder. I don't know whether I agree with this yet. I don't know whether I truly wanted to know, but I guess at least what I suffer with has a name now. Maybe I'll finally get the answers I need.

What she didn't help me with was the fact that I needed to control my 'others' in regards to my video interview and court proceedings. She said that I would need long-term psychiatric treatment, but in the short-term I had to talk to AC, my CPN. Hopefully she'll be able to help me. LG, my foster mother, will hopefully be allowed into my interview with me. The most likely 'others' to come out during these times would be either Sally (the angry, aggressive leader) or Jimmy (the sad 4-year-old boy). It will be plainly obvious to everyone if one of them comes out, but I'm hoping LG will be allowed in so she can try and get 'me' back again. It'll be a little more difficult in court if Sally or Jimmy reveal themselves as LG will most likely be put as a witness so won't be able to sit with me. Awkward.

Intense group today. I couldn't really concentrate as the voices were talking and to be quite honest I had my mind on other things. That being said, however, it was quite eye opening. We learned about 'selfish/unselfishness', 'self-esteem', 'confidence' and 'resilience'. Turns out that all the patients there are quite resilient, or have been in the past, even if they aren't now. From my own point of view, my resilience was top levels through childhood, although sometimes I do wish my brain had developed different coping methods rather than using dissociation. But now, my resilience is extremely poor. I only have to have a small knock to kick me back to the ground again. It takes an awful lot of effort to get up. I'm hoping this'll improve as the weeks go on.

Week 1 of the group over. A weekend of recuperation and hopefully I can be up and running again by Tuesday. I'm absolutely exhausted. I never realised how emotionally-draining it all was going to be. Two hours, three days a week is intense and absolutely exhausting. All I want to do is sleep. My dissociation is a bit worse at the moment but I'm hoping it'll improve as the weeks go by. The memories brought up yesterday when J visited have made things slightly more easily triggered, but hopefully it'll calm down. 

Hope you're all having a good week.

xoxo.