Disconnected

It's hard to be in a house full of people when you'd rather spend time on your own. Isolating yourself always seems the nicer option in the short-term, but in the long term not so much.

Hearing voices and seeing things that other people can't see is like living in a nightmare. The problem is, in a nightmare you can wake up. In reality, once the voices take hold of you there's no turning back. It's a constant battle that's never easy.

I didn't think I needed my antipsychotics. I didn't think I needed my antidepressants either. Six days go by and I've ended up in hell. I've been living like this for five days. The worst of it being needing nearly 20 stitches to sort out some major self-harm that turned out to be only the beginning, of what seems to be some kind of horrible scene of a horror movie that seems like it'll never end. With my agitated state their idea is to keep me drugged up with diazepam. It's nice to feel relaxed but it doesn't make the world of hell you are stuck in go away. If anything it makes it worse. You are in a stupor and have very little energy to fight back and get your life back on track again. Yes, it relaxes you. Yes, I can sleep away my hell. But in the long-term, it won't make it any easier to deal with my voices or the things I see. I'm weaning off of the diazepam now. Two more days and I won't be having it anymore and back in full blown hell I'll be; unable to sleep away this unreal existence.

The voices want control of me. I want control of me. We're in a full on battle. My foster carers, LG & PG, are incredibly supportive and have managed to help me take my antipsychotics and antidepressants along with my diazepam; even if it takes an hour to calm me down or my tablets end up being thrown across the room.

The voices are still fighting for control. I don't know who will win. I don't know who I am. All I hope is that I beat this. I have an appointment with my CPN and psychiatrist on Friday. I can hold out until then. I hope I'll be given answers.