Liason Officer

Dreadful day.

It started off okay. I had my group again this morning. It was a lot less awkward than Tuesday because everyone knew each other and we all have mutual respect, even though this was only the second session. More conversation and less awkward silence today. Eheh.

I spoke up about, what has now been explained to me, is a severe form of dissociation. Having different people living inside me is very difficult but now the group knows about it, it might be easier to deal with. Turns out a lot of us have thoughts and feelings in common. Some also spoke about feeling as if they had another person inside them so they can relate to some degree. Although as far as I'm aware, I'm the only one who LITERALLY does. Even so, I don't feel so alone about the whole ordeal. My psychiatrist should be ringing me tomorrow, I'm going to be asking her for answers.

I came back from the group in good spirits. I'm very black and white in regards to my mood. I'm either quite depressed or close to a manic episode.

The liason officer dealing with the case regarding the sexual abuse I and my brother experienced through childhood came over today. She only left a couple of hours ago. I'm now in a depressive mode. Everything was explained to me and, theoretically, I should be doing another video interview on 20th February. This will be my third. I did one in 2009 which I withdrew by saying I made everything up (pressure from my mother, and I was sectioned at the time), and one in 2010 which the CPS didn't go ahead with because of the state of my mental health. I'm very anxious about it. Now I know that my case will definitely be going to court, it's put everything into a somewhat more real situation.

J, the liason officer, is a lovely lady on first impressions. She's going to speak to the intermediary team about support in regards to being a witness in court. It'll be a highly anxious time and that will be the most obvious time where my dissociation may kick in and my 'others' may start coming out. This may even happen when I do my video interview, which will be very awkward as I won't realise until I'm "me" again. That could be an interesting and confusing situation to be in.

All in all, I'm now in shit mode. Halfway through J being here, I started dissociating, although not as severely as usual. I was still myself, but my awareness was totally gone. I was in my 'other world' talking to someone in a courtyard. I don't know how that works but J and my foster carers knew I was switching off. I just didn't tell them where I'd gone during those times.

That's enough for me blabbing, at least for today!

Take care, readers.

xoxo.