Isolated

Oh. My. God. I've been sucked away into my own world. I don't mean that in the figurative sense either. I mean it quite literally. I haven't told anyone though. I'm scared shitless of everything that is going on. Staying in my room is very isolating as I have no 'real' people to communicate with. That's not my fault though. I'm scared that Sally will come out. For those that don't know Sally is one of my 'others'. She's destructive and violent and full of raw anger. I'm scared that she'll hurt my foster parents, my foster family. I can't let that happen. If I stay in my room, the only body she can hurt is mine. The only things she can hurt are the inanimate objects scattered around my bedroom.

I can't tell anyone. I know I'm not crazy. It may sound like it, but if you lived with me, you'd know that isn't the case. I can think logically. I can make the right judgements. Except when I'm like this. To be honest, I prefer my own world sometimes. It's a nightmare, I do admit that. But I'd rather be living in a nightmare rather than allow Sally to hurt my family. If that happened, I'd never forgive myself. It wouldn't have been me that did it, but I'd blame myself and hold myself totally responsible. I'd move out. I wouldn't stay in here and keep my family in danger. It's not right. I'd rather suffer than allow that to happen.

I had an appointment with AC this morning, my care-coordinator and psychiatric nurse. I never said a word about any of this. She knows I've isolated myself to my room almost incessantly since Saturday morning, considering it's now Wednesday evening. I can't do it. I don't want to take my medication, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do ANYTHING. I can't do it. I feel like giving up. The thought that my family could be hurt is absolutely petrifying to me. I prefer sitting in my bedroom, hoping that it'll never happen. I've managed to last over a year without Sally meeting LG and PG directly (however, they do know about her and the others) but I don't know how much longer this can go on for.