End of Week 2

I've just finished week number 2 of my ten-week therapy group. It's still going quite well although some of the sessions have been pretty intense.

Thursday and Friday involved us having to go through various relationships we have, both good and bad, with different things and people. Obviously, I can't go into what the other patients spoke about as I don't want to break their confidentiality but what I can talk about is what I ended up bringing up when it was my turn to go through stuff.

I spoke about various things, starting off with the positives and ending with the negatives. My positives involved my supportive foster family, the dog, the fact I now have a stable home, my art, poetry and music, my older sister and my two nephews (her sons), my older brother and my niece (his daughter who was only born a couple of weeks ago!), and my little brother, JH. To be honest, my little brother could go into both the positive and the negative aspects of things. I worry a lot about JH as he's living with my mum and her new boyfriend. It can trigger strong emotions and flashbacks. That being said, I love him to bits and he's the one thing that I feel has kept me alive.

My negative relationships involved my mum, dad, my 'alters' and self-destructive behaviours i.e. going missing, getting into dangerous situations like on railway lines or bridges, self-harming, suicidal behaviours, behaviours that my 'alters' do etc. Along with this I put in lack of food, lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of friends, lack of education, lack of employment.. all of which link in with each other. If you don't eat and sleep properly, it exacerbates the symptoms of mental illness, you can't concentrate on education, get into employment, make money or involve yourself in social situations. It all adds up. Each raindrop which then leads to the flood as it were.

I also spoke a little about the court proceedings that were going on as I was asked if not having contact with my parents was my decision. I didn't specify what the court proceedings were about but I did mention that it was to do with my father's behaviour towards me and JH. It isn't my choice not to have contact with my dad, that's the choice of social services and the police. Having contact with my mum is a combination of my decision, social services and the foster agency. Social services and the foster agency were against me seeing my mother in person, of course they couldn't stop me if I'd truly wanted to but they wouldn't provide any kind of transport if that were the case. Considering they live in a different county, transport is quite difficult if you have limited money, besides getting the train which everyone is very wary of given some of my dangerous behaviour. It was my choice, however, not to have contact with her via phone or text right now. I don't know how long this will go on for but I'm hoping that when we have contact again it'll be a healthy form of contact rather than backfiring on me and causing all kinds of problems and out-of-reality episodes.

It was hard to talk about all this. It felt very weird as I've only known these people for not even two weeks. It was a good kind of weird though. It may only have been six two-hour sessions together but somehow we're getting along very well. It's a safe environment and very non-judgemental. I didn't go into much detail but I gave a rough outline.

My point is... talking about things is positive. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's not going to be the easiest thing you've ever had to do. But, if done with the right people, it can help massively. I felt a load off of my shoulders. It may not have made things any easier to deal with but at least it's not stuck in my head and it's out in the open within the group. I'm not as open as I am with LG & PG but it's only been a couple of weeks after all. If you feel s***, then talk, talk, talk. Find someone supportive. Anyone. But don't stay quiet. It WILL backfire on you. Even if it's difficult, give it a go. You'll never know how it'll help you if you don't try.