February Blues

I was particularly suicidal this morning and was in the process of hanging myself from the curtain pole in my bedroom. Fox intervened as a favour for David; these are two of my 'others'. I didn't realise this until I looked at my clock and realised it was 9.30AM and I was stood in my bedroom with them talking to me. I'd tried to hang myself at 6.30AM. Three hours of my time had just disappeared. When I realised what the time was it was time for me to go downstairs and get ready to leave for my therapy group. I wasn't going to hang myself with the possibility of being found before I was actually dead...

LG came to pick me up from my group at 12.30pm and I said on the way back for her not to let me up to my room unless I was just nipping up for a few minutes to get something. If I'm in there for longer than five minutes she had my permission to start harrassing me to get me downstairs again. Of course I didn't actually specify why I didn't want to be allowed to my room. I don't trust myself in the slightest at the moment. Problem is, people are hesitant about talking if they're suicidal. Normally it means you're dragged into a hospital and kept there until you start smiling and pretending you're okay again. Not something that I intend on doing this weekend thank you very much.

February is not a good time for me. It's coming up to Valentine's Day which is, in itself, traumatic for me as it's also my dad's birthday. Then I also have the anniversary of having my miscarriage. Plus I've got all this court investigation in the forefront of my mind.

J called yesterday and said she's arranged the intermediary for my court proceedings and for my video interview. My vid interview has now been delayed by two weeks (it was supposed to be on 20th) so that my intermediary can come over and chat to me and LG and sort out what help I need for both the interview and for court when I give evidence as a witness. He's from Coventry or something like that. Apparently there's only about 30 intermediaries in the whole country. I find this totally outrageous if I'm honest, but at least I'm getting help. It's a shame my video interview is now going to be delayed by a couple of weeks. I'm having a hard enough time as it is, let alone having an extra two weeks to sit and mull everything over. My weakness is over-analyzing things. I think WAY TOO MUCH. Sometimes it's a good thing but more often than not it's very bad.