It's Dark

Only a quick blog note. It's been a week, I have hardly anything to say. Well, that's a lie. I have a lot to say, just no way or no words to be able to say it.

It's cold. It's dark. I can't see the sunshine. I can't even see a light. 

How would you feel if all you know had been torn away? Everything you believed that was right, was all wrong. It's difficult. It's hard. It's frustrating not being able to understand; who to trust, who to speak to, who to believe. Your whole life disappears and you're left in a corner, confused, disorientated, misunderstood, alone, isolated.

New Goals

I was meant to post yesterday but somehow I never got around to it. I think I was caught up too much in my own thoughts to do anything. I don't think I even came online, which for me is a weird thing to happen!

Finished week 4 of group. Only week 4? It feels like forever! In a good way. I think. It's really intense but in some ways it's helping. All of us patients are seeing each other 3 times a week and it's amazing. None of us has yet missed a session, even though we've had 12 sessions. I'm quite surprised at this. The only other group I've done was when I was under the care of CAMHS. I did DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) for a year and that involved a group session once a week. From each session to the next you never knew who was going to turn up, if anyone else was going to at all! It might be why this adult group is helping me, everyone's turning up, it's a stable and safe environment, and I get along really well with the other patients. Go me! :)

I've managed to set out my reward scale for losing weight. I've put on weight in the last few months and in the last couple of weeks I've vowed to get back down to 77lb. Or less. I'm not holding that as a deadline as last time I was that weight I wanted to be lower... but for now that is my goal. When I get back to that weight I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo as a reward. Obviously, I have rewards at certain points to keep me motivated to lose the weight but that's my ultimate reward. I think it's very motivating. I am desperate to get this tattoo! I've wanted one for months! But considering I've waited months, I can wait a little longer until I've lost the weight.

I'm not isolating myself so much at the moment. I mean, I'm not really communicating very much with the rest of my foster family but I'm at least spending some time downstairs; even if it's only sat at the dining room table with my laptop and headphones in my ears. The good thing about this house is that we have an open plan kitchen/dining room/lounge. So wherever I'm sitting downstairs there's normally someone else around, whether it be cooking in the kitchen or fast asleep on the sofa.

I got my guitar out. It's been stuffed in my wardrobe for several weeks but I got it out again. I even wrote a couple of songs which I think are pretty okay. I'm not the most fantastic singer or player in the world but I am pretty good. Although, I freeze up instantly if I think anyone's listening or within earshot. This is a bit of a bummer as it kinda limits my ability to play at full volume. I have to dumb down the tone a little which makes it more difficult to sing or play. When no one else is upstairs and I'm sat in my room though, full power to me ;)

Hope you're all well. I am still reading everyone's blogs, I'm just not commenting very much. Don't think that's because I don't care, I really do. I just have very limited time in regards to getting online. I may be downstairs instead of in my room but I'm not actually online that much, I can't be dealing with it. Especially Facebook! Oh. My. God. Don't get me started on that. Some people on there... in my opinion they need to be shot. I'll get onto that at some other time otherwise this post is going to be outrageously long!

Ciao for now, mi amigos. x

Isolated

Oh. My. God. I've been sucked away into my own world. I don't mean that in the figurative sense either. I mean it quite literally. I haven't told anyone though. I'm scared shitless of everything that is going on. Staying in my room is very isolating as I have no 'real' people to communicate with. That's not my fault though. I'm scared that Sally will come out. For those that don't know Sally is one of my 'others'. She's destructive and violent and full of raw anger. I'm scared that she'll hurt my foster parents, my foster family. I can't let that happen. If I stay in my room, the only body she can hurt is mine. The only things she can hurt are the inanimate objects scattered around my bedroom.

I can't tell anyone. I know I'm not crazy. It may sound like it, but if you lived with me, you'd know that isn't the case. I can think logically. I can make the right judgements. Except when I'm like this. To be honest, I prefer my own world sometimes. It's a nightmare, I do admit that. But I'd rather be living in a nightmare rather than allow Sally to hurt my family. If that happened, I'd never forgive myself. It wouldn't have been me that did it, but I'd blame myself and hold myself totally responsible. I'd move out. I wouldn't stay in here and keep my family in danger. It's not right. I'd rather suffer than allow that to happen.

I had an appointment with AC this morning, my care-coordinator and psychiatric nurse. I never said a word about any of this. She knows I've isolated myself to my room almost incessantly since Saturday morning, considering it's now Wednesday evening. I can't do it. I don't want to take my medication, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do ANYTHING. I can't do it. I feel like giving up. The thought that my family could be hurt is absolutely petrifying to me. I prefer sitting in my bedroom, hoping that it'll never happen. I've managed to last over a year without Sally meeting LG and PG directly (however, they do know about her and the others) but I don't know how much longer this can go on for.

R.I.P. Jynx

My little brother broke the news to me today that my bunny died. Surprisingly, I've found myself more upset than I thought I would be. He was barely 3 years old. He was a dwarf lop-eared bunny and I had him from 8 weeks old. He was my baby! I got him when I was discharged from The Priory in April 2009. I asked for him and my parents agreed as I needed something therapeutic. I find animals very relaxing. He did me the world of good, motivated me to get up in the mornings as I had to feed him and clean him. I loved spending time with him. 

While I was living at home, Jynx was a house-rabbit and lived in my room in his cage and had free-rein for most of the day before going into his cage at bedtime. Whenever I was in hospital or wherever, my little brother or someone would take care of him. I loved Jynx as he always had time to snuggle with me and never judged me for what I did or who I was. When I was put in the children's home, he came along with me and stayed there. Near the end of my time there, he went back with my parents and my little brother as I was having a bad depressive episode. I didn't want to be separated from him but I had to make the decision that was best for him. If he'd stayed with me, he wouldn't have been looked after properly. I didn't want him to suffer.

He's been with my mother and little brother for just over a year. Whenever I've visited I've always found time to sit with Jynx. He never forgot who I was and always had time for a cuddle with me. It made me adore him even more. I always thought he'd forget me if I was ever away from him for more than a few days but that was never the case.

Today, my little brother told me he'd passed away in his sleep. They found him when my mother went out to feed him. I'm devastated. But why? I've only seen him on a few occasions in the last year. I thought the bond would've been weakened. It hasn't. Somehow it was stronger than when I was with him. Whether he felt the same, I have no idea. He's a bunny. Maybe he was just happy to be fed and given some quality time, no matter who the person was. I'd like to think that he had a bond with me too. I did have him from when he was a baby. Attachments grow more quickly and more strongly if you get a pet from a very young age. I got him as soon as he was able to be away from the pet store at 8 weeks. I had to wait a week or two before I could take him home but I was prepared to wait.

I miss you, Jynx. Another loss to add to my pile. That doesn't mean I won't miss you any less.

R.I.P. Jynx; 04/2009 - 02/2012.

Happy Valentines Day... :'(

<3 xoxo.

Fuck My Weight

I've suddenly managed to get a newfound urge to get totally strict and serious about my weight again. I was slacking slightly. I wasn't eating as much as I should but I was allowed myself to eat more than I normally allow myself to have. I did put on weight, especially when I went out with my little brother last Monday. Mcdonalds... popcorn... it was obscene. I didn't even throw up! I'm now on the 37th day of not purging via vomiting. That's a massive achievement.

I've sunk into a depression that I can't get out of. I have been trying but the voices are worse and it stops me bothering to fight. It totally drains my energy. I've spent the majority of time in my room, only going downstairs to either make myself a hot milky beverage, take my medication or eat something. Yesterday I had less than 700 calories, that includes fluid. I was very happy with this. Somehow this depression has got me back into the realisation of how good it feels to hardly eat and how good it feels to lose weight. I'd forgotten. I'd been too wrapped up in trying to eat somewhat healthily. Now I've realised, fuck that!

I want to disappear.

February Blues

I was particularly suicidal this morning and was in the process of hanging myself from the curtain pole in my bedroom. Fox intervened as a favour for David; these are two of my 'others'. I didn't realise this until I looked at my clock and realised it was 9.30AM and I was stood in my bedroom with them talking to me. I'd tried to hang myself at 6.30AM. Three hours of my time had just disappeared. When I realised what the time was it was time for me to go downstairs and get ready to leave for my therapy group. I wasn't going to hang myself with the possibility of being found before I was actually dead...

LG came to pick me up from my group at 12.30pm and I said on the way back for her not to let me up to my room unless I was just nipping up for a few minutes to get something. If I'm in there for longer than five minutes she had my permission to start harrassing me to get me downstairs again. Of course I didn't actually specify why I didn't want to be allowed to my room. I don't trust myself in the slightest at the moment. Problem is, people are hesitant about talking if they're suicidal. Normally it means you're dragged into a hospital and kept there until you start smiling and pretending you're okay again. Not something that I intend on doing this weekend thank you very much.

February is not a good time for me. It's coming up to Valentine's Day which is, in itself, traumatic for me as it's also my dad's birthday. Then I also have the anniversary of having my miscarriage. Plus I've got all this court investigation in the forefront of my mind.

J called yesterday and said she's arranged the intermediary for my court proceedings and for my video interview. My vid interview has now been delayed by two weeks (it was supposed to be on 20th) so that my intermediary can come over and chat to me and LG and sort out what help I need for both the interview and for court when I give evidence as a witness. He's from Coventry or something like that. Apparently there's only about 30 intermediaries in the whole country. I find this totally outrageous if I'm honest, but at least I'm getting help. It's a shame my video interview is now going to be delayed by a couple of weeks. I'm having a hard enough time as it is, let alone having an extra two weeks to sit and mull everything over. My weakness is over-analyzing things. I think WAY TOO MUCH. Sometimes it's a good thing but more often than not it's very bad.

Society Sucks

And from this point forward I will hopefully never touch a cigarette again. I have my new skycig. Go me! It's been an hour so far of giving up smoking. Not very long I know but we all have to start somewhere. Wish me luck. :)

Group was disastrous today. One of the patients got angry and walked out. Hopefully we'll see him again on Thursday. One of the main trigger points for the awkwardness in the group today was our opening exercise. We had to say something good about society. Now, in my opinion in regards to mental health, society is partly to blame for some of our difficulties. There is stigma attached to mental illness, the media doesn't portray it in a very good light and often there are stories about schizophrenics assaulting people or depressed people committing a murder-suicide with their families. Yes, people with mental illness can commit crimes but they don't commit crimes any more than the average person. If anything, people with mental illness are more likely to hurt themselves rather than other people. But hey, what newspaper is going to write that? It doesn't exactly make a good story does it? But that's fact. The topic of mental illness can make people feel uncomfortable. The health service isn't exactly excellent and the welfare of people, in general not just in regards to mental illness, isn't the main purpose of decisions that are made. Take the benefit cuts for example. Everyone who is entitled to them and needs them to get by is going to be effected, or has already been effected. Our society makes no sense and my view is that the country is going downhill. It has been since David Cameron took charge of the country, and since before that even.

I'm not saying that the prime minister is entirely to blame for society as it stands. He's not, totally. Getting back to the topic of mental illness, it's ignorance that takes control of people's behaviour towards the mentally ill, be it conscious or sub-conscious behaviour. Society has totally failed me in helping me accept my diagnosis. Society is partly to blame for it. There are other factors, of course. And I'm not saying that society is totally to blame for any consequence of it's actions. But it isn't exactly the best. No one is happy with their society. Look at the road tax people pay for their cars! That is supposed to go towards paying for the roads to be kept well-constructed. It gets paid and then divided into the various county councils. Do they use it to pay to repair the roads? Barely. In the end it's all about making money. I think it's time society needs to change. For the better. Right now.

Disordered Eating - Unexplainable

1. One day you're eating 200 calories, the next day you could be eating 2,000.


2. You can lose 10lbs in two weeks and gain 12lbs in the next week.


3. On one day you fast, the next day you eat a week's worth of food. Then comes the decision purge or no purge? On good days, you do. On bad days you eat more and just crawl into bed.


4. You keep telling yourself tomorrow will be different. It never is.


5. Even if you try to diet somewhat 'normally', you lose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed up because you're treating your body like shit.


6. You're too fat for help but not fat enough to be considered 'normal'.


7. On a good day you might go out to eat but then you're instantly triggered by seeing a girl ordering a salad with the dressing separate.


8. You still rule out the "bad" foods - like blotting off grease on food, eating toast or sandwiches without any butter, drinking diet coke etc.


9. After a major binge/purge you're scared to even drink water with the fear that you might have put on weight.


10. You're in a constant battle trying to decide whether it's emptiness or food that you crave the most.

End of Week 2

I've just finished week number 2 of my ten-week therapy group. It's still going quite well although some of the sessions have been pretty intense.

Thursday and Friday involved us having to go through various relationships we have, both good and bad, with different things and people. Obviously, I can't go into what the other patients spoke about as I don't want to break their confidentiality but what I can talk about is what I ended up bringing up when it was my turn to go through stuff.

I spoke about various things, starting off with the positives and ending with the negatives. My positives involved my supportive foster family, the dog, the fact I now have a stable home, my art, poetry and music, my older sister and my two nephews (her sons), my older brother and my niece (his daughter who was only born a couple of weeks ago!), and my little brother, JH. To be honest, my little brother could go into both the positive and the negative aspects of things. I worry a lot about JH as he's living with my mum and her new boyfriend. It can trigger strong emotions and flashbacks. That being said, I love him to bits and he's the one thing that I feel has kept me alive.

My negative relationships involved my mum, dad, my 'alters' and self-destructive behaviours i.e. going missing, getting into dangerous situations like on railway lines or bridges, self-harming, suicidal behaviours, behaviours that my 'alters' do etc. Along with this I put in lack of food, lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of friends, lack of education, lack of employment.. all of which link in with each other. If you don't eat and sleep properly, it exacerbates the symptoms of mental illness, you can't concentrate on education, get into employment, make money or involve yourself in social situations. It all adds up. Each raindrop which then leads to the flood as it were.

I also spoke a little about the court proceedings that were going on as I was asked if not having contact with my parents was my decision. I didn't specify what the court proceedings were about but I did mention that it was to do with my father's behaviour towards me and JH. It isn't my choice not to have contact with my dad, that's the choice of social services and the police. Having contact with my mum is a combination of my decision, social services and the foster agency. Social services and the foster agency were against me seeing my mother in person, of course they couldn't stop me if I'd truly wanted to but they wouldn't provide any kind of transport if that were the case. Considering they live in a different county, transport is quite difficult if you have limited money, besides getting the train which everyone is very wary of given some of my dangerous behaviour. It was my choice, however, not to have contact with her via phone or text right now. I don't know how long this will go on for but I'm hoping that when we have contact again it'll be a healthy form of contact rather than backfiring on me and causing all kinds of problems and out-of-reality episodes.

It was hard to talk about all this. It felt very weird as I've only known these people for not even two weeks. It was a good kind of weird though. It may only have been six two-hour sessions together but somehow we're getting along very well. It's a safe environment and very non-judgemental. I didn't go into much detail but I gave a rough outline.

My point is... talking about things is positive. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's not going to be the easiest thing you've ever had to do. But, if done with the right people, it can help massively. I felt a load off of my shoulders. It may not have made things any easier to deal with but at least it's not stuck in my head and it's out in the open within the group. I'm not as open as I am with LG & PG but it's only been a couple of weeks after all. If you feel s***, then talk, talk, talk. Find someone supportive. Anyone. But don't stay quiet. It WILL backfire on you. Even if it's difficult, give it a go. You'll never know how it'll help you if you don't try.