Feeling A Lot More Positive!

I’m very happy to say that the majority of us are feeling a lot more positive! We went 16 days on only 14 hours of sleep and finally for the last 3 nights we’ve slept about 10 hours every night! It’s going to take a couple more days before we feel back to normal but I’m already feeling the effects. I can focus more on the good things going on rather than the bad. That’s always the way I prefer it to be! I think it finally hit the point where our brain just crashed and I’ve gladly welcomed it. I haven’t even come out at 3am like usual as I don’t want to be the cause of another sleep deprivation episode. I understand why it’s used as a torture technique. It’s horrible. At least it’s over for now and hopefully the next episode won’t be for a very long time! I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m going to delay my night time walks until we’re back into a proper routine again. Delaying my walks is a small price to pay and I’m happy to do it as long as I can keep doing my writing.

Keri spent the evening with her best friend last week. She lives in the same block of flats so it’s quite handy! They spent the evening watching a movie. I don’t know what they spoke about or what they watched as I wasn’t really around but I do remember hearing Keri and her friend laughing. Even if Keri is feeling really depressed, her best friend always gets her smiling. I’m glad they have each other. They’re a good influence as well. Keri’s friend knows about her problem with alcohol so that’s never an issue and if Keri needs to talk about something her friend is always there, even if she has her own stuff to deal with. And it works the other way around too. It makes me happy when those times come up when Keri is happy. Or happyish. Even a few hours is brilliant!

Keri’s eating disorder has been pretty bad, along with 3 other alters who also have eating disorders. It’s got worse over the last week as Keri’s daughter’s anniversary is coming up so Keri has had a relapse with her alcohol. She wasn’t eating solid food anyway without purging as soon as she can but now she’s drinking all her calories are being reserved for alcohol. That’s why my post has been delayed. I usually write it Sunday night or the early hours of Monday morning but writing while drunk is very hard. I started writing this post Sunday night but the amount of mistakes I keep having to correct is really annoying me. Yes, I admit that Keri’s alcoholism is causing problems but I’m a kind of person that likes looking on the bright side. The bright side is that Keri hasn’t attempted suicide and that Sally hasn’t started trying to kill people (I wish that was an exaggeration and that Sally just had a desire rather than acting on it). 

Keri’s been referred back to STEPs again - Specialised Treatment for Eating Disorders Programme - and has an appointment next month. The initial referral was because Keri can’t eat solid food without purging. Now the issue is that Keri is saving all her calories for alcohol. We’re hoping that her alcoholic relapse will set itself right after her daughter’s anniversary though which is September 3rd. Even if that happens she still needs help getting back to managing solid food again without feeling the need to get rid of it. She has an issue at the moment with chewing and swallowing which immediately makes her feel sick. I don’t think it’s a biological thing, I think it’s psychological. But her doctor at the eating disorder unit is very experienced and will hopefully help ease Keri back into eating solid food again. I’d rather she ate solid food and focused on calories rather than have only liquids and need to purge ASAP whenever she eats something. A couple of us have been trying to come out and eat every now and then. I had a pot noodle a couple of days ago. I know it’s not the healthiest but it’s at least more than coffee and milky drinks. Plus, I miss eating. I don’t understand the fear of chewing and swallowing that Keri has but I can still try and sympathise with it. What I hate more is the whole alcohol issue. I hate feeling drunk. That can’t be a surprise to anyone considering me and Clari are polar opposite twins and she lives for feeling drugged or drunk!

We had a huge scare this week with one of our gerbils. He started falling over constantly and walking around in circles. The vet said on the phone that they might have to put him down. We all felt heartbroken. Luckily, Keri and Nat took him to the vet with one of our support workers and found out Ian has an infection deep in his ear that will take a while to get better. Poor Ian had to have an injection at the vet and he was so well behaved. He sat so still and only flinched a little bit when the needle went in. He’s also been taking his antibiotics straight from the syringe. The vet said it was rare for a small animal to willingly take antibiotics so Keri and Nat Both tried to tempt him with a treat and dilute the medicine in squash. Neither worked! None of us thought to say “Give him the syringe!”. Turns out Ian is an angel when it comes to taking medication. He’s even better than most alters taking their meds! Tonight was the last night Ian needed his antibiotics and we’ve all noticed a difference. Even after a few days he’d stopped falling over and was walking less in circles. We’d have all been so upset if we’d had to see Ian put down. The vet even made an appointment for the evening so that the vet practice would be quieter just in case... well... you know 🙁. Nat said that while she and Keri were sat waiting, they saw a woman rush out of one of the consulting rooms in tears. I’m guessing she’d just seen her own pet euthanised and I’m glad I wasn’t there to see the devastation she must have felt. The same devastation we would have felt if Ian had something untreatable. Did you know that besides Keri and her best friend, our gerbils have lived in these flats longer than any of the other residents?! They’re old hands in this place! And hopefully will be for a long time to come! If you want to follow Tom and Ian on Instagram they have their own account separate to our account: @tomandiangerbils 🙂

There’s no improvement with Keri’s current episode. She’s still having severe difficulty in speaking, writing and thinking properly. She’s also still convinced she’s being taken over by a demon. I can say with pride that she went to the community centre last week with a support worker and her best friend. I don’t think Keri would’ve had the courage to go if her friend hadn’t gone with her so I’m very proud she went, and very happy Keri’s friend went with her too. Keri managed nearly an hour before she needed to chat to her support worker as she was getting very overwhelmed with the wall people talking to her and she thought she was making everyone ill by “spreading the demon around”. The community centre is open every Wednesday for females only so the staff try to persuade Keri to go each week. It was the first time she’d gone since she started feeling this demon thing so a lot of us were very proud of her. Hopefully, because of last week, she’ll get herself to go this week too. Her usual support worker should be able to take her. This is going to be a key point in Keri’s state of mind. Since Keri started believing she was being infected by a demon, her usual support worker hasn’t seen her since she told her about the demon. This has had nothing to do with Keri. Her usual worker has been training, at meetings, on annual leave and, during one week, she was off sick. Keri has been convinced that the reason her usual worker hasn’t been with her or gone with her to the community centre is because she’s infected the support worker with the demon. I truly hope her usual worker makes it on Wednesday otherwise it’s going to continue feeding into Keri’s delusion. In fact I’m going to be extremely annoyed if her usual worker doesn’t make it again as it’ll be at least 4 weeks in a row since Keri had the courage to go to the centre with her.

I’m planning to see our parents soon (to specify, I mean foster parents, not birth parents). It’s around the time now when Keri would ring them to see when she can visit and I plan to spend some time with them myself! I actually spoke to our mum a few weeks or so ago as I needed her advice but it would be lovely to see her face to face. By ‘spoke’ I mean texting as obviously I’m mute. Our mum was really helpful when I needed advice as there’s some things I can’t wrap my head around that somehow she manages to! Maybe to do with her psychic thing going on. She always knows when something is wrong even though we don’t live at home and haven’t done for 6 years. Some alters, including Keri, call it creepy but I call it intuitive! You know, since I started regularly updating this blog, I’m happy to say none of the other alters have been reading it! It gives me more confidence to write honestly about my feelings without worrying I might insult another alter!

We’ve started another puzzle as we’ve been trying very hard to stay distracted. We have a 500 piece puzzle and a 1000 piece puzzle finished that David has glued together. The frames for them have been ordered and we are now starting another 1000 piece puzzle. We used to decorate our hospital room with puzzles we’d done but we can’t find them anywhere. That’s not very surprising though. Unfortunately a lot of stuff went missing through all the moves we had in different hospitals and through stuff going missing while supposedly safe in storage. I don’t mind though. It’s a fresh start in this flat and because I’m feeling fairly positive at the moment I’m not really lingering on the things that could dampen my mood. There’s always a silver lining and I wish most other alters could see that!

I’m looking forward to another week which I’m hoping will be positive. Remember that if you message us on Instagram then please say who you want to talk to as some of us have answered messages that aren’t for us and it’s all got a bit muddled! Even if you’re meaning to talk to Keri, please state that! Thanks 🙂

Until next week!

- Fox 🦊

No Driving Licence

It’s been a couple of weeks since I was last able to write a post, although I’ve just found I forgot to publish the previous one so I guess it’s been 3 weeks and now all of a sudden two in a day!

We’re severely sleep deprived. In the last 12 days we’ve had a total of 13 hours sleep. It’s destroying everyone. Keri can’t sleep because of the demon she still thinks is overtaking her and the wall people talking to her. I was hoping to come out at one stage to see if I could help us get some sleep but I’m not too good at sleeping unless I’m out for at least a few days. Our mental health team has told Keri to take her sleeping tablet every night now until she gets to sleep. There’s a point when our brain is just going to shut down and sleep for 10 hours or something but the sleeping tablet will help speed that up. She’s been saying some very strange things and it’s making us all ill. None of us wanted to come out today as Keri was ill and she spent over an hour this evening vomiting. I disappeared into my room at that point as I hate being sick. By the time I came back out to see what was going on with Keri, she was lying on her bathroom floor. I hoped she’d fallen asleep from exhaustion but I then realised if that was the case I wouldn’t be seeing her on the floor, I’d be seeing whatever nightmares or dreams she was having. Sometimes we share dreams and it gets confusing. One alter could have a nightmare about something that happened to them that Keri doesn’t know about and be seriously confused when she wakes up as she doesn’t know where on earth the nightmare came from. Normally I’m quick to know if we’re awake or asleep but because I’m sleep deprived as well my brain is being a bit slow keeping up with everything. I can’t wait until we finally sleep!

We’ve been waiting for permission to apply for a driving licence for 7 years. A few months ago we were given permission. Although when I mean me, I mean everyone over 18 which doesn’t include me. I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. I’m able to learn but legally it could be an issue if I drive alone. That doesn’t matter now though. We had a psychiatrist review just over a week ago that was out of the blue (that urgent one I spoke about) and he said that the DVLA would only give us a licence if we didn’t switch at all for at least 3 months. Multiple alters took it very badly. We never go more than a day without some form of switching. Initially we thought he meant alters like Sally as the psychiatrist brought up that there was an issue with the fact Sally was restrained in hospital a few times. He actually means no switching at all, with any of us. We’ve had arguments about whether we should lie but that’s against my morals, and a lot of the other alters’ morals too. Plus, we’d never get away with it. People that know us well, including support workers, would pick up on it quite easily even if we try to blend in. It wouldn’t be obvious to strangers or people that didn’t know us very well if we were trying to blend though. I wouldn’t be able to as because I’m mute I can’t really be in a social situation without people realising I won’t speak. It looks like it’s back to getting a new companion bus pass.

Since the psychiatrist said about not switching for 3 months and for Keri to be the one that has to be here the whole time, everyone has rebelled. Every day an alter has been out ‘properly’. When I say properly I mean that they haven’t just come out to help or briefly talk to someone. They’ve come out, got into their own clothes, put on their own makeup (where appropriate) and done whatever they want even if it interrupts the status quo. Even through the sleep deprivation we still find time to come out. I wish some other alters would take the initiative to get some sleep. It’s only Keri that has this episode still going on with the wall people and the demon possession. Any of the rest of us that come out don’t experience the same thing. I love the peace and quiet myself but I hate the feeling of having my brain melting and leaking out of my ears. I can’t do my word searches or anything as I can’t focus. Even this post has taken longer than normal to write. Usually I get it done pretty quickly but it’s hard thinking of the words. A lot of us are losing our temper pretty quickly even when we aren’t normally emotional. Especially if people say “I’m so tired, I didn’t sleep well last night”. Oh really? We have barely slept for 2 days shy of a fortnight. No complaining from you thank you! Sorry, I’m tired. That kind of thing gets me very frustrated. It’s a bit like if someone says they’re feeling a bit depressed but they’re only having an off day and have no idea what depression feels like. 

I wish I could be more positive but right now I’m really not feeling at all positive. Most of us are past caring about much now and are just getting ratty, physically ill and frustrated. By next week we should have had a decent sleep and I’ll be more positive about things! Have a good week everyone :)

- Fox 🦊 

Internally Busy, Externally Insane

Forgot publish! This was from 28th July.

Well it’s been a week since I last posted as I haven’t had a chance to write anything in between my Sunday posts. Me and a lot of the other alters have been busy as we’ve had to pick up the pieces Keri is leaving behind with her episode.

So, internally, I’m spending a lot of my time looking after the littles. Most of the time I enjoy it but now I find its grating at me. I need some peace. Mary and David have been busy trying to talk to Trixie, Spike and Sally as they want to do destructive things. Luckily we rarely have an issue with Spike sexually assaulting women as he can only come out when Sally’s out, him being her “sub” alter. Natalie has been trying to keep on top of the practical things like bills, payments, shopping, groceries. Penny wants to ligature even though we aren’t even being detained or locked up anywhere so her and Violet have been spending a lot of time together trying to support each other. Some alters are doing nothing except wanting to stay away from all the work and sitting in their rooms pretending they haven’t noticed we’re so busy even though I know for a fact they DO  know! Most of the time we complain that there’s way too many of us. But right now, there’s not enough! I wish I could magic alters out of nowhere just to tell them to help out and then they can disappear again. 

Externally, none of us wants to go anywhere near any of it. Keri’s delusion of being possessed by a demon is getting worse by the day. She’s convinced that the demon that’s possessing her is making people sick and she thinks that explains why a member of staff was off work on Wednesday. Since then she’s been refusing most of her support. The only time she’s been accepting it is in the evening when she has to shower. She still can’t shower alone as she’s terrified of the wall people she hears and now obviously it’s worse with this demon thing. The two other times she accepted it were brief times, one where she needed to collect medication and one where she had to buy milk and some sweets I asked her for. Everyone can see she’s just getting more and more isolated and depressed. Her key worker tried talking to her this evening before Keri got in the bath but I didn’t hear a lot of the conversation. I know she tried to tell Keri that she wasn’t causing people to be sick and should try to accept her support, especially at these times when she’s not exactly thinking clearly. I also heard that she’s started nicknaming one her of gerbils Meatball because he’s so fluffy and round. I had to have a chuckle at that.

We should be seeing our care coordinator again this week. Although considering how Keri has been since we got home I can’t say I’m expecting anything. Remember that “urgent” review that was requested with her psychiatrist? Still hasn’t happened! It’s really annoying me! If nothing happens soon then I’m going to speak to the staff and sort this out myself. I’m worried. Most of the staff are worried. All of us leaders are worried. WHY AREN’T THEY HELPING HER? Keri is our chosen host and we don’t want to have to go through the process of picking another one. We reevaluate it on a yearly basis and there’s been a few years where we’ve been on the edge of another alter adopting Keri’s life as their own instead. It takes a lot of work doing all that though so we’ve avoided it at every opportunity we could as it means rearranging a lot of things and opening and closing doors that shouldn’t really be touched. It also means that whoever takes over ends up with the previous years of amnesia. It was okay to get away with that when they chose Keri at 8-9 years old but more complicated now she’s 25. I have occasional images of Sally being the permanent host. No thanks! I doubt anyone would agree to that!

I’m running out of ways to keep the littles occupied. We have Lego and toys. I’m asking every now and again for people to get sweets for them. We’ve had to sort out more regular supervised playtime with the gerbils. I’m running out of alters who have different children’s stories. It’s times like this when I know I should appreciate the times when things are calmer and less chaotic. The silver lining is even though Keri’s brain is working on a different wiring to everyone else, she’s not doing anything too bad. She’s not running off, she’s not trying to kill herself, she’s not threatening people with knives. I mean, she’s doing a load of other stuff but not stuff that’s going to lead to legal or fatal consequences, not in the short term. We have to count ourselves lucky there.

We’ve completely recovered from Clari’s ecstasy play time on our birthday. There was a few days where we were zombies but now we’re back to normal. I found out from Keri the other day that baby unicorns are called “shimmers” and “sparkles” depending on whether they’re male or female. Why on earth she knows that fact I’ve no idea and why she decided to tell me is another thing I’m clueless about. Some things may never be explained but I guess I know something I’ve never known before. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever need but it did entertain the littles when I told them about it. Young children and unicorns seem to go well together, even with boys. I’ve never seen the need for thinking about unicorns. I guess I’m thinking about them now though. Wow. The unicorn fact has permeated through my brain and taken over! 

Bye for now! 🙂

Fox 🦊

Possessed by a Demon

To start, our birthday was a pretty good night! It would’ve been better if Clari stuck to the rules! She was out from about 9:45pm until just gone midnight. I was in and out with her but for the most part she was on her own. I posted our videos on our Instagram and 6 of them are Clari. She loves being the star of the show as anyone who knows her can say straight away! We had a birthday cake and we had one pink candle and one blue candle, one for me and one for Clari. They’re very stereotypical colours but we didn’t have many colours to choose from! That was one of the times when me and Clari were out together. I liked that bit!

I’m surprised there wasn’t a noise complaint as Clari was singing her heart out, prancing all over the place like a reindeer and blaring her music. I didn’t think I’d have to keep an eye on her because of all the agreements but I shouldn’t have been so naive. We all knew she’d be drinking as Keri agreed to buy some alcohol for her when she went out with the staff on the condition I disposed of anything that was left over before she woke up in the morning. What I didn’t think she’d do is go against the no drug rule. I’m the only one that can flit in and out when Clari is out. We don’t know why, the only theory is it’s because we’re twins.

Clari went back in after a couple of hours. As soon as I was out on my own I knew something wasn’t right. I know what being drunk feels like from the many alcoholic relapses Keri has had. This was something strange. I didn’t know at the time what she’d had so I went out for a walk to try to sober up a bit. I did the usual and texted the staff. One of our friends got worried but she doesn’t know the ins and outs of the care plan I’ve got. I think it was more to do with the fact Clari had been drinking alcohol and combining it with drugs. Yesterday I found out that what Clari had taken was ecstasy. I didn’t know this during the night. The walk helped a little bit but it was cloudy so I couldn’t see the stars. I really do love the stars. The one night we celebrate and it’s the one day it decides to rain!

I didn’t go out for long and I made sure the staff knew about the drug issue. They advised me to seek medical attention if I thought I needed to but besides a high pulse and occasional palpitations I wasn’t too concerned. I didn’t manage to get us to bed until past 3am. I wanted to make sure that we were actually medically safe. I didn’t want the responsibility of something happening. After taking our night medication and sitting down for a bit and having some birthday cake our heart rate had come down a bit and the palpitations weren’t so frequent. I put all our videos on Instagram and settled down. I went to bed in my clothes as I hate getting changed and considering I’m nocturnal I fell asleep pretty quickly! I think the combination of alcohol and the gradual comedown of the ecstasy made it pretty easy. It’s the first time I’ve ever fallen asleep at night within an hour of lying down in the dark!

The weather is starting to clear up a bit more now so I’m hoping that means I’ll get a good walk soon when the moon and stars are out. Most people hate walking in the middle of the night but I find it so peaceful, especially if me or some of the other alters are stressed. If any of you do go out at night though then be careful, especially if you’re a young woman or someone like me with a very petite build. I’ve got a concrete plan in place for my own safety which I hope I never have to use but it’s there just in case. It’s doubtful anything would happen to you but you can never be too careful.

Now for our update, Keri is getting worse. I’m spending more time out than I normally do just to try and get some peace. She’s still having some kind of break from reality and she’s been drawing crosses all over herself over the last several days as she thinks she’s being possessed by an ‘evil demon’. She’s using the crosses to check each day whether the ‘evil has spread’. I mean, seriously? The staff obviously know about all the things going on at the moment, including the evil possession. There’s various delusions and weird stuff going on at the moment which is getting scary for a lot of us alters. It’s rare for Keri to be like this for such a long time, especially with her speech and thoughts being so muddled and being so outwardly obvious when she speaks or writes. I thought she was due to have an emergency review with her psychiatrist but that hasn’t happened yet and she was discharged about 3 weeks ago. What happens if Keri gets to the point of thinking she’s fully possessed by Satan? I don’t even want to think about what will happen! 

Our gerbils, Tom and Ian, are doing all of us good. They’re giving Keri a reason to get up and they’re really good with me. I don’t know if it’s my “vibe” or the fact I don’t talk but they love me! And I love them even when they’re mischievous! I think I actually like them more when they’re trying to cause trouble. They definitely have some serious gerbil attitude! Because of the fact our brain is still coming down from the drugs, Keri has been sleeping a lot. She was really sick yesterday and only left her bed to run to the toilet. She finally got out of bed at 7pm to have some support with the staff. She did the same today and slept all night until getting up at 2pm to have more support with staff. She’s already been told that if she doesn’t start feeling better in a couple of days then to get some advice. I think she’ll be fine though and just be pretty low and drowsy for a couple more days. The good thing is that she’s catching up on months of sleep that she misses out on because of her insomnia and because of those of us who are nocturnal and like coming out at night! 

Raven still wants to try meeting our therapist. We still see her every week. I had a session with her not long ago and used her box of toy animals to kind of make a diagram to explain what’s going on. Not a diagram, more like a visual representation as writing everything down was getting slow and frustrating me. I don’t have to fully write things out with our therapist. I found her to be on a similar wavelength to me so I only had to write sporadic words or short notes instead of paragraphs of thoughts. She’s really doing us good. Initially I thought we were going to deal with each alter one at a time and deal with their issues but she said it would be better to work systemically, as a whole. Some alters can get jealous otherwise and think that one alter is getting more attention than another and it could cause a whole load of arguments. I’m fed up of being peacekeeper so I’d rather work her way with all that! She definitely knows what she’s doing as we’ve made a lot of progress since working with her. We’ve all got a long way to go but it’s all about the little steps. I don’t care about giant steps. I’m a firm believer in baby steps being the best way forward. Making giant steps can usually mean that the steps back are even bigger and feel even worse.

I’m still going to keep up with writing a post at least every Sunday but I might add additional ones if something is happening, like mine and Clari’s birthday celebration on Friday night!

I’m so happy to be back blogging. I’ve noticed some messages come up on our messenger on Facebook but because we rarely use it the messages don’t get checked much. If you’re one of the people who have messaged on Facebook then try sending a message on Instagram instead as we always read and reply to those, whoever the message is directed to (whether it’s me, Keri, or another alter).

Bye for now!

Fox 🦊 

Mine and Clari’s Birthday!

I'm going to write an update on Sunday but I wanted to write a post about me and Clari! Our birthday was on Monday but we couldn’t celebrate it as the arthritis has been quite bad. We found the tens machine that we use when we’re in pain which can stop us having to use crutches (it’s sends electricity to disrupt the pain signals to the brain). It’s not so much of an issue for me as I have a duller sense of pain. I don’t know why but I don’t get effected so much. It’s not like Sally where she feels NO pain. Even with broken knuckles she can still punch someone full force. It’s crazy. For me it’s more that I can feel the pain and know it’s there but I probably only feel about a quarter of the pain that’s really there. It makes it hard sometimes to figure out what the body’s capability is as I forget that I’m in less pain! Clari on the other hand feels everything. She hates using crutches and totally refuses to come out if she has to use them. At least with the tens machine she doesn’t need the crutches, but she thinks she looks like “half human half robot”. Better than the crutches though! 

We’re going to celebrate tonight. I’ve already got Clari’s music sorted and picked out a good film that we both like. For the first year ever Clari has agreed that for some of it we can both be out at the same time. But we do like our alone time. We’re total opposites to each other so she’s not happy in a hoody and not talking, but I’m not happy in makeup, a pink dress and singing! Keri has agreed that she’s going to buy Clari some alcohol tonight. Keri abstains from alcohol as she has serious problems with it. One drink and she enters a total relapse. We’ve had to make Clari promise that any alcohol she has left over we’ll get rid of. I’m going to be the one out last as I prefer the middle of the night so I can make sure the remainder goes down the sink! 

Takeaway choices! That’s the big argument! Several of the alters have been laughing at us because we can’t decide on what we want to eat! I try respecting Keri’s choice of being vegetarian but Clari couldn’t give a damn! She’d have a steak if she could! What we both agree on is donuts or chocolate of some kind. A sweet tooth is the one thing we have in common! The only complete ban we have is no drugs. I don’t want to be out in the middle of the night and find that Clari has decided to have a load of cocaine. The combination of that and alcohol will really take the joy out of it for me!

We have no balloons or anything but considering we aren’t having a big party it’s good. One year we’re hoping to get some friends and family over to celebrate. Or go to them. It’ll happen at some stage and even I’m up for that. This is our 2nd birthday out of hospital and last year Clari spoiled it by smoking a lot of weed. I’ve finally got her to agree to getting out of her dress and getting rid of her makeup before I come out properly though. I’m never a happy person when I find myself in that!

I’ll update everyone in a day or two with how much fun we have tonight and an overall update of things that are going on. I’m glad we postponed our birthday for 4 days. At least we still get to celebrate! And I have something happy to post about!

Takeaway, dancing (for Clari!) and celebrating. It’s going to be a good evening!

Happy birthday to us! 15 again! :D

Back to Blogging!

I’m back in action! Just reminding you all that I’ve fully taken over the blog now (me, Fox) and have done for a long time before I had to stop blogging for a bit if you haven’t read the ‘About Me’ section. I’ve updated that page and the disclaimer page too.

Anyway, what’s been happening?? We’ve been discharged from our long four year section for about 18 months now and we’ve only had to go back a few times since then. It’s taken a long time to adjust to life outside of hospital but we’re really enjoying it. I love to go on evening walks to see the stars but was never allowed to in hospital because of all their rules. Now I can! The staff here are really good. We live in our own flat but have 24 hour support and a lot of 1 to 1 time with a small group of them. I’ve really missed writing my blog. We share an Instagram account now so all of us can post when we want to rather than us all having separate Facebook accounts. 

For a few months Keri went missing. A teenage alter was out instead. She appeared out of nowhere and none of us even knew she existed. Keri had a relapse with her drinking and in December she had a case of the DTs when she stopped drinking. A few days later she was gone and a teenage alter was here! Keri didn’t come back until the end of March and that was only because me and several other alters were on a mission to find where she was. Keri isn’t actually the original person to be born. The original ‘alter’ is kept hidden and has been since she was about 8 years old. We chose Keri as our host but that was a long time ago. That’s something that’s for a whole book to write about! 

Since we got Keri back, the last few months have been a bit all over the place. While the teenage alter was out she moved flats. We’re in the same building but had to move to the ground floor due to health issues. With several alters having eating disorders and the arthritis in various joints, it was a safety thing. The managers and staff didn’t want Keri to end up fainting and falling down two flights of stairs or tripping whenever she had to use her crutches. A lot of us were really insecure to begin with as it’s the GROUND floor. But there’s cameras everywhere. That’s reassuring. 

We didn’t realise how good life was outside of hospital. We’d never had this independence before so we didn’t even know what we were missing. Now we never want to let it go. I hated the few times that we had to go to hospital since living here but I know it had to be done for safety reasons. There’s no restrictions here besides open flames and not smoking in the flats. I can deal with that. I’m even allowed to go out to walk in the evenings. We’ve got a few things in place between me and the staff just so I’m safe. Because of the fact I can’t talk there’s obviously worries there as if I get into trouble I can’t shout or call out. I’ve got a pretty solid plan though and I get along really well with the staff. 

When we moved here, I was worried. The staff had never worked with anyone with DID before. I think to begin with they didn’t know how to react when I came out, or any other alters for that matter now. But as time has gone on, it’s just normal now, and none of us has to worry about not being accepted or just being ignored and pretending we don’t exist.

It’s actually my birthday tomorrow, along with my twin sister Clari’s. We stay 15 every year but love celebrating anyway! Clari has been having a hissy fit because Keri is on her crutches right now. That means Clari can’t “dance to her tunes”. I’ve promised Clari that if we can’t celebrate tomorrow then I’ll save my celebrations until the body is physically capable of handling Clari’s mania! Our key worker wants to see Clari tomorrow for her birthday but if we can’t do it tomorrow then I don’t mind waiting a week. Maybe it’s a silver lining. If we have to wait a week to celebrate, depending on the body’s joints, then I can get some decorations or something to boost Clari’s mood. She doesn’t get depressed much. She’s normally a ball of energy, like a toddler who’s had 10 cups of coffee loaded with sugar! But she’s a bit low tonight and is blaming all the alters with eating disorders for the fact that the excessive exercise has messed with her birthday. I can’t say I’m happy about it but I’m also considerate. Eating disorders are illnesses and it’s not like they’ve done it on purpose to mess with our birthday. 

We have a private therapist now and she’s amazing. She’s experienced on various illnesses but especially DID and eating disorders. She also does family therapy which some of us hope to do in the future with Keri and her birth mum. Their relationship is a lot better than it used to be and Keri is determined to make it work but there’s concerns from various people, including mental health professionals. It’s understandable though with the history which I’m definitely not going to go into. You’d get the general gist from posts I made years ago on this blog but I don’t want to go there now. I’m in a fairly good mood and I don’t want to spoil that.

Over the next few months I’ll be able to catch everything up from the last couple of years. The main thing is we’re no longer in hospital! We actually have a home address not a ward address! There’s times I get very frustrated with people, especially when I can see something is really wrong like with the episode Keri is having at the moment. But other than that I couldn’t be happier. I’d love to meet some new people but I’m not sure how they’d respond to me, especially if they don’t know we have DID. It can feel very isolating. But I’m going to see if I can go to the community centre to meet some people with a support worker. Keri goes every Wednesday with.. let’s call her CW. I might ask Keri if she can bring it up this week with her to see how it would work. Staff are fine with me communicating via paper but I’m not sure how other clients from other places would react. I think it’s worth the risk of being thought of as weird. Loneliness is horrible and what if I do meet someone I really get along with? I love my family but sometimes it’s nice just to have some friends to count on. Friends that aren’t other alters! Don’t you think I should at least try? I hope so. 

It’s been great to write my first post again. I’d almost forgotten how great it feels to write one! Almost.. It’s the greatest outlet I’ve ever had. Hey, maybe you’ll see me in a YouTube video on our channel in the future! Have a good night fellow bloggers :D

Potential Discharge in August/September

Written by Fox.

We've now been sectioned for 3 and a half years. We've been back on acute wards since October last year. BUT it's looks like things are on the upwards and we could be getting discharged in several months! By that point we'll have been sectioned for over 4 years.

Dissociating has been a big problem for Keri over the last 23 years and it's not going to disappear any time soon. We are as real as she is and we deserve to live lives too. Keri has, over the last year or so, learned that accepting us and not fighting or ignoring us all the time, makes all of us happier and more cooperative. Sally has reared her head a fair few times and in the last couple of months we've needed about 50 stitches. But we haven't been put in seclusion. Yes, Keri, Sally and a few others have been restrained on various occasions but we haven't been secluded. Hopefully I haven't jinxed us!

Since moving back to the ward we're on now, one of Keri's accommodation workers has been looking for somewhere for us to go. Right now they've referred us to an organisation that is able to provide independence along with 24 hour care. We had the choice of a shared house or a single flat. After Keri had a meeting with us (we have a daily get together every evening so that everyone can air their opinions about the day or anything that's been discussed or experienced) and we all decided we would prefer a flat so that we can live as much as Keri does. The flat would also, initially, be staffed 24 hours a day. I think there's a staff area for a block of flats and basically there's panic buttons or a phone number for you to ring but I'm not definite. I think Keri knows more details. I'm not about constantly. The place they're looking at opens in August. With a phased discharge, and an anniversary that triggers Sally and Keri big time at the beginning of September, we probably will be officially completely discharged by the end of September/beginning of October. We'll be able to celebrate Keri's birthday! Clari already plans to decorate our flat for Keri when we're out as a nice surprise after being in hospital so long. Everyone is hoping that a slow, phased discharge will mean that we stay out of hospital. Sacrificing an extra few months in hospital to make sure we all stay out rather than rushing it and end up yo-yoing is a good option for all of us. We've talked about it.

They're finally sorting our medication out which is good for me because I need medication like Keri does. We're back on two anti-depressants combined together as it's the only thing that seems to fight our depression. We're also back on anti-psychotics, though I don't feel 100% so hopefully Keri can ask the psychiatrist to up the dose, both for her benefit and mine. I haven't felt very good since we were taken off them back in September. That's partially why I haven't been writing posts. Some of the alters keep saying that I've been acting weird. I can't see it myself but I know when I need to listen to them. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to see our therapist soon. I get along with her really well and used to talk to her a lot. I planned to see her last week but when the time came I didn't feel up to it.

Keri's compensation claim has now come through (although I won't state how much as that's Keri's business not yours!). We have a bit of savings now for when we get out of hospital. Keri is also going to look into volunteering so she can build on getting a job when the time is right but the rest of us have issues with that. What about us? We don't all like the same thing. Last time Keri volunteered as at the cats and dogs home and she never actually did any work. It was Clari that did it all. Keri just did the travelling to and from. It annoyed her a little bit as she wanted to experience work life too but I think Clari needed an outlet. I don't see why though as by this point she was still sneaking out and having sex with anyone she came across, both male and female! She's not bisexual, she just has an addictive personality. She gets a little obsessive at times about it!

Keri's met a lovely guy and has been chatting to him since December. A few of us have also had little chats with him just to get a feel of what's going on. I'm hoping that if things start getting serious then Clari will curb her sex habits otherwise it won't be fair on him. He knows about Clari's behaviour and all about us. Even Sally has spoken to him, though I don't know what was said as she doesn't feel like sharing. None of us ask about each other's conversations much either as, even though it's hard respecting privacy with one body to share, we still respect each other's personal space. Hopefully he's coming to see Keri tomorrow. We've all decided to leave them to it when they meet so that they have time together rather than us dissociating all over the place. This guy is very accepting of us and knows we have been sectioned for a few years yet he's still supportive and understanding. Things look promising.

So things are looking up! I can't wait until we're discharged. We have 15 minutes unescorted leave a day now which could be going up to 30 minutes next week. Our therapist and the staff know that at some stage something is going to happen and Sally may kick up a fuss, but they understand it's about MANAGING the risks not ELIMINATING them. Eliminating them will be completely pointless and frustrate us all. But managing them? As long as we can keep safe I don't see the issue. A lot of us are talking to the staff. Penny has spoken to several members of staff and due to this hasn't ligatured since we moved back here in December, which considering what she was like in intensive care is a big improvement.

For some reason Keri has been getting really physically unwell. Since December we've needed to be admitted to a medical ward 3 times which results in fluids, oxygen, and IV antibiotics. Unfortunately we find hospitals threatening so Sally comes out quite a lot when we're in medical hospitals or Keri freaks out with flashbacks. This usually results in restraint and IMs. Last time she was admitted they managed to get her to take oral medication rather than being jabbed so that's good. Hopefully we won't end up in a medical hospital again. I'm not sure why we've had so many serious chest infections but our immune system seems to have gone down the toilet. The doctor said it could be down to poor dietary intake. Keri's eating hasn't been brilliant as she's been purging a lot and because I've not felt great I haven't been able to come out and eat for her. The others have been distracted either looking after me, stopping Sally when they can, or looking after the littles. Our therapist has said anything she can do to help we just have to ask, even if it's for one of the littles to come out and play for an hour. She said give her some warning and she'll arrange to bring a selection of toys for them. She's a lovely woman and I'm going to be very sad when we have to start seeing someone else.

I'll update as soon as I can. All depends on whether the psychiatrist can help me. I'm not sure how accepting he is of all of us but he's a lot better than the last one in our old unit who didn't even believe we existed. It was horrible.