To start, our birthday was a pretty good night! It would’ve been better if Clari stuck to the rules! She was out from about 9:45pm until just gone midnight. I was in and out with her but for the most part she was on her own. I posted our videos on our Instagram and 6 of them are Clari. She loves being the star of the show as anyone who knows her can say straight away! We had a birthday cake and we had one pink candle and one blue candle, one for me and one for Clari. They’re very stereotypical colours but we didn’t have many colours to choose from! That was one of the times when me and Clari were out together. I liked that bit!
I’m surprised there wasn’t a noise complaint as Clari was singing her heart out, prancing all over the place like a reindeer and blaring her music. I didn’t think I’d have to keep an eye on her because of all the agreements but I shouldn’t have been so naive. We all knew she’d be drinking as Keri agreed to buy some alcohol for her when she went out with the staff on the condition I disposed of anything that was left over before she woke up in the morning. What I didn’t think she’d do is go against the no drug rule. I’m the only one that can flit in and out when Clari is out. We don’t know why, the only theory is it’s because we’re twins.
Clari went back in after a couple of hours. As soon as I was out on my own I knew something wasn’t right. I know what being drunk feels like from the many alcoholic relapses Keri has had. This was something strange. I didn’t know at the time what she’d had so I went out for a walk to try to sober up a bit. I did the usual and texted the staff. One of our friends got worried but she doesn’t know the ins and outs of the care plan I’ve got. I think it was more to do with the fact Clari had been drinking alcohol and combining it with drugs. Yesterday I found out that what Clari had taken was ecstasy. I didn’t know this during the night. The walk helped a little bit but it was cloudy so I couldn’t see the stars. I really do love the stars. The one night we celebrate and it’s the one day it decides to rain!
I didn’t go out for long and I made sure the staff knew about the drug issue. They advised me to seek medical attention if I thought I needed to but besides a high pulse and occasional palpitations I wasn’t too concerned. I didn’t manage to get us to bed until past 3am. I wanted to make sure that we were actually medically safe. I didn’t want the responsibility of something happening. After taking our night medication and sitting down for a bit and having some birthday cake our heart rate had come down a bit and the palpitations weren’t so frequent. I put all our videos on Instagram and settled down. I went to bed in my clothes as I hate getting changed and considering I’m nocturnal I fell asleep pretty quickly! I think the combination of alcohol and the gradual comedown of the ecstasy made it pretty easy. It’s the first time I’ve ever fallen asleep at night within an hour of lying down in the dark!
The weather is starting to clear up a bit more now so I’m hoping that means I’ll get a good walk soon when the moon and stars are out. Most people hate walking in the middle of the night but I find it so peaceful, especially if me or some of the other alters are stressed. If any of you do go out at night though then be careful, especially if you’re a young woman or someone like me with a very petite build. I’ve got a concrete plan in place for my own safety which I hope I never have to use but it’s there just in case. It’s doubtful anything would happen to you but you can never be too careful.
Now for our update, Keri is getting worse. I’m spending more time out than I normally do just to try and get some peace. She’s still having some kind of break from reality and she’s been drawing crosses all over herself over the last several days as she thinks she’s being possessed by an ‘evil demon’. She’s using the crosses to check each day whether the ‘evil has spread’. I mean, seriously? The staff obviously know about all the things going on at the moment, including the evil possession. There’s various delusions and weird stuff going on at the moment which is getting scary for a lot of us alters. It’s rare for Keri to be like this for such a long time, especially with her speech and thoughts being so muddled and being so outwardly obvious when she speaks or writes. I thought she was due to have an emergency review with her psychiatrist but that hasn’t happened yet and she was discharged about 3 weeks ago. What happens if Keri gets to the point of thinking she’s fully possessed by Satan? I don’t even want to think about what will happen!
Our gerbils, Tom and Ian, are doing all of us good. They’re giving Keri a reason to get up and they’re really good with me. I don’t know if it’s my “vibe” or the fact I don’t talk but they love me! And I love them even when they’re mischievous! I think I actually like them more when they’re trying to cause trouble. They definitely have some serious gerbil attitude! Because of the fact our brain is still coming down from the drugs, Keri has been sleeping a lot. She was really sick yesterday and only left her bed to run to the toilet. She finally got out of bed at 7pm to have some support with the staff. She did the same today and slept all night until getting up at 2pm to have more support with staff. She’s already been told that if she doesn’t start feeling better in a couple of days then to get some advice. I think she’ll be fine though and just be pretty low and drowsy for a couple more days. The good thing is that she’s catching up on months of sleep that she misses out on because of her insomnia and because of those of us who are nocturnal and like coming out at night!
Raven still wants to try meeting our therapist. We still see her every week. I had a session with her not long ago and used her box of toy animals to kind of make a diagram to explain what’s going on. Not a diagram, more like a visual representation as writing everything down was getting slow and frustrating me. I don’t have to fully write things out with our therapist. I found her to be on a similar wavelength to me so I only had to write sporadic words or short notes instead of paragraphs of thoughts. She’s really doing us good. Initially I thought we were going to deal with each alter one at a time and deal with their issues but she said it would be better to work systemically, as a whole. Some alters can get jealous otherwise and think that one alter is getting more attention than another and it could cause a whole load of arguments. I’m fed up of being peacekeeper so I’d rather work her way with all that! She definitely knows what she’s doing as we’ve made a lot of progress since working with her. We’ve all got a long way to go but it’s all about the little steps. I don’t care about giant steps. I’m a firm believer in baby steps being the best way forward. Making giant steps can usually mean that the steps back are even bigger and feel even worse.
I’m still going to keep up with writing a post at least every Sunday but I might add additional ones if something is happening, like mine and Clari’s birthday celebration on Friday night!
I’m so happy to be back blogging. I’ve noticed some messages come up on our messenger on Facebook but because we rarely use it the messages don’t get checked much. If you’re one of the people who have messaged on Facebook then try sending a message on Instagram instead as we always read and reply to those, whoever the message is directed to (whether it’s me, Keri, or another alter).
Bye for now!
Fox 🦊
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