It’s been a couple of weeks since I was last able to write a post, although I’ve just found I forgot to publish the previous one so I guess it’s been 3 weeks and now all of a sudden two in a day!
We’re severely sleep deprived. In the last 12 days we’ve had a total of 13 hours sleep. It’s destroying everyone. Keri can’t sleep because of the demon she still thinks is overtaking her and the wall people talking to her. I was hoping to come out at one stage to see if I could help us get some sleep but I’m not too good at sleeping unless I’m out for at least a few days. Our mental health team has told Keri to take her sleeping tablet every night now until she gets to sleep. There’s a point when our brain is just going to shut down and sleep for 10 hours or something but the sleeping tablet will help speed that up. She’s been saying some very strange things and it’s making us all ill. None of us wanted to come out today as Keri was ill and she spent over an hour this evening vomiting. I disappeared into my room at that point as I hate being sick. By the time I came back out to see what was going on with Keri, she was lying on her bathroom floor. I hoped she’d fallen asleep from exhaustion but I then realised if that was the case I wouldn’t be seeing her on the floor, I’d be seeing whatever nightmares or dreams she was having. Sometimes we share dreams and it gets confusing. One alter could have a nightmare about something that happened to them that Keri doesn’t know about and be seriously confused when she wakes up as she doesn’t know where on earth the nightmare came from. Normally I’m quick to know if we’re awake or asleep but because I’m sleep deprived as well my brain is being a bit slow keeping up with everything. I can’t wait until we finally sleep!
We’ve been waiting for permission to apply for a driving licence for 7 years. A few months ago we were given permission. Although when I mean me, I mean everyone over 18 which doesn’t include me. I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. I’m able to learn but legally it could be an issue if I drive alone. That doesn’t matter now though. We had a psychiatrist review just over a week ago that was out of the blue (that urgent one I spoke about) and he said that the DVLA would only give us a licence if we didn’t switch at all for at least 3 months. Multiple alters took it very badly. We never go more than a day without some form of switching. Initially we thought he meant alters like Sally as the psychiatrist brought up that there was an issue with the fact Sally was restrained in hospital a few times. He actually means no switching at all, with any of us. We’ve had arguments about whether we should lie but that’s against my morals, and a lot of the other alters’ morals too. Plus, we’d never get away with it. People that know us well, including support workers, would pick up on it quite easily even if we try to blend in. It wouldn’t be obvious to strangers or people that didn’t know us very well if we were trying to blend though. I wouldn’t be able to as because I’m mute I can’t really be in a social situation without people realising I won’t speak. It looks like it’s back to getting a new companion bus pass.
Since the psychiatrist said about not switching for 3 months and for Keri to be the one that has to be here the whole time, everyone has rebelled. Every day an alter has been out ‘properly’. When I say properly I mean that they haven’t just come out to help or briefly talk to someone. They’ve come out, got into their own clothes, put on their own makeup (where appropriate) and done whatever they want even if it interrupts the status quo. Even through the sleep deprivation we still find time to come out. I wish some other alters would take the initiative to get some sleep. It’s only Keri that has this episode still going on with the wall people and the demon possession. Any of the rest of us that come out don’t experience the same thing. I love the peace and quiet myself but I hate the feeling of having my brain melting and leaking out of my ears. I can’t do my word searches or anything as I can’t focus. Even this post has taken longer than normal to write. Usually I get it done pretty quickly but it’s hard thinking of the words. A lot of us are losing our temper pretty quickly even when we aren’t normally emotional. Especially if people say “I’m so tired, I didn’t sleep well last night”. Oh really? We have barely slept for 2 days shy of a fortnight. No complaining from you thank you! Sorry, I’m tired. That kind of thing gets me very frustrated. It’s a bit like if someone says they’re feeling a bit depressed but they’re only having an off day and have no idea what depression feels like.
I wish I could be more positive but right now I’m really not feeling at all positive. Most of us are past caring about much now and are just getting ratty, physically ill and frustrated. By next week we should have had a decent sleep and I’ll be more positive about things! Have a good week everyone :)
- Fox 🦊
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