Recently I had to go through a court case in regards to the traumatic events that happened in my childhood. The problem is that it was a double trial - me and someone else were both victims of the abuse. For legal reasons I cannot mention anything specific about the people or incidents involved.
In the couple of weeks leading up to the case (which was at the end of May 2013) I went downhill mental health wise. I stopped eating completely, I couldn't take any of my medication due to conflicts with my alter personalities, I wasn't sleeping and I could barely even do day to day activities. I was becoming more and more unwell.
Even though all this was happening I still managed to get to court to give my evidence, with a heck of a lot of support from various people. I spent most of the day in that bloody place being cross-examined and when I finally finished I almost felt relieved that my part was finished. Admittedly I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt too because the person being prosecuted was someone close to me.
Then it all went wrong. I went in on Wednesday and tentatively waited for the verdict at home with my carers. I suddenly had a surprise visit from the police officer in charge two days later, on the Friday. The other key witness had decided to do a runner from court. No matter how much the judge tried she had no choice but to discharge the jury. I was given the next 21 days to make a decision as to whether I want to do a retrial, however this time it won't involve the other person.
Have I made my decision? I honestly don't know. As soon as I was told the news that the court case was being thrown out I instantly hit an all time low. I was dissociating severely and needing to go to the hospital every day, I was drinking a litre of vodka daily, I was still refusing all medication because of the continuous conflict with my alters and I still wasn't eating.
So what's happening right now? I was given an ultimatum by the intensive team's psychiatrist that if I didn't start taking my medication voluntarily at home then I'd be taken into hospital and given it forcibly. This isn't a choice. If anything I'm being forced to take my medication anyway. My carers make sure that I take them, even when I try to avoid taking them I end up with a pot of pills in front of me. I was literally dead to the world for a couple of days because I was told to go straight back on everything instead of staggered doses. The problem with one of my pills is that for the first couple of weeks I become very suicidal. I'm hoping that the other several medications combined together will keep me and my destructive personalities under control..
The first dose of medication I had involved me dissociating into my destructive and homocidal alter, 'Sally'. Unfortunately this meant that one of my carers had to hold her down so she couldn't do any damage to me or my carer. Luckily it didn't last long and I came back out again, feeling extremely tired from both dissociating and from the tablets kicking in.
So what's happening now? Good news is that I'm sober, sleeping and taking medication (begrudgingly). Now I just need to try and eat something. My fixation on calories has hit an all time high. Plus I'm supposed to be keeping all my appointments. I may be stubborn but my carers and workers are even more so.. If I refuse to leave the house for an appointment then they'll turn up on the doorstep anyway. Let's be honest though, 5+ appointments a week is a bit of a handful isn't it?
I've ordered and received my new iPad now so I can blog whenever I want! Particularly handy if I'm waiting around at hospital departments or going for a nice walk or sitting in a GP office, y'anno, the usual. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much over the past year but a lot has been going on and the motivation to do anything is very weak.
I love you all and thanks for sticking by my blog even though my posy frequency sucks sometimes!
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