I didn't think I needed this medication and have been on the doses for a long time. Recently I spent about 3 weeks not being able to take my medication because Sally (my violent homicidal alter) wasn't allowing me to take any of it. During those three weeks I noticed dramatic changes within my system. Jimmy (a 4 year old boy) was very upset and crying a lot. David (a rational 20 year old male) was starting to feel suicidal himself because of the chaos that was going on inside. David's reaction was startling and I didn't even realise how confused he was feeling until one of my foster carers told me that Jimmy had given her a letter one evening from David expressing his concerns. Fox (a 15 year old homosexual mute) went totally fucking nuts. He's normally very passive but he turned into a very distressed and extremely psychotic boy.
The effects on me? I couldn't sleep and only slept after I passed out drinking a litre of vodka a day. I was very restless and could never sit still. There were times when I'd spend over 3 hours just pacing up and down the garden.
After the ultimatum from the Intensive Team psychiatrist last week (either I take my medications at home with support from foster carers or take them in hospital where I'd be given them by force), I started taking my medication and yes, there have been some difficulties in doing this. On the bright side I'm not in hospital yet.
What I don't understand is why the medications effect my alters differently to how they effect me. Take Sally for instance, she needs about 5 times the amount of drug sedation to calm her down or knock her out compared to the smaller amount that I do. How does that work? Some of my alters have they're own mental illnesses. In my opinion I think Fox is a catatonic schizophrenic (although I'm not a professional). In some ways I'd like a psychiatrist to sit down with each of my individual alters and assess they're different needs just so we can have a more peaceful life. At the moment we're all over the place. I can say that we're definitely less all over the place now we're back on our medication but we're still toeing a very fine line between being able to stay at home with my foster carers and having to be put into hospital again.
If anyone can explain this or even find a site that talks about it then please let me know. I've tried myself but I really can't get my head around it!
In my next post I think I'll be writing a list about each of my alters. They want to be recognised. At the present moment there are 17 of us (including me). However, when I write that post I'll only mention the current most dominant ones to make it less confusing. Both for myself and you guys!
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