Postponing My Post For 1-2 Days

Happy Sunday evening everyone!

I’m not doing a proper post this evening as I’m postponing it for 1-2 days. Because of the fact I’ve been regularly updating every Sunday I thought I’d write a post to say so as I usually get messages from people on Monday about my Sunday post so a lot of people read it very soon after it’s posted!

I’m now the temporary host and will be for at least a few days. Me and our key worker are going to ring our care coordinator tomorrow to discuss some medication issues. Keri’s mental health is still getting worse and she’s now completely refusing to see any support workers as she thinks they’re all spies and she’s being hunted. Don’t ask. Like I said in my last post, I’ve stopped trying to get my head around any of it. If our care coordinator sorts something out then I’ll likely be out for a lot longer than a few days but we’ll have to see. I spent days arguing with Shadow to get consecutive days out to try and help this whole situation and I obviously succeeded but it’s taken a lot of persuasion!

Considering I only came out this afternoon, I’ve got a lot to do. I’m going to be going to our therapy session on Tuesday as I’ll still be here and I’ve already text our therapist to let her know in advance. But I need to sort this place out! The flat is a mess but I’ve already started trying to tidy it. I’m also trying to get some personal hygiene sorted, see if we can get some sleep (although this is going to be the hardest on my list because of the fact I’m naturally nocturnal), work with the support workers and our mental health team, get this whole lot of mess sorted out, plus do the day to day stuff, along with a list of other things that seems so long that I don’t even want to think about it!

So, like I said, my post is going to be postponed for a couple of days just while I get my balance and get on my feet. I’m used to coming in and out for a couple of hours but it’s a whole different situation when I know I’m going to have to deal with all the day to day stuff. I think I can actually do the post tomorrow night as by then I should have settled into the swing of things but I want to say a couple of days just to be on the safe side.

Speak to you tomorrow everyone! Or the day after! I won’t be online much until tomorrow evening but I’ll have my phone. Obviously I can’t take calls but I can text. Online messages probably won’t be answered until early evening as I have day to day things to do. The lovely boring stuff that a 15 year old really shouldn’t have to be doing!

Good night and I’m sorry for the 24-48 hour delay, and obviously I’ll go into actual reasons and detail in my post when I write it. Have a chilled out evening everyone. I definitely plan to! 🙂

Fox 🦊

“Endowed with being chosen...”

It’s been another week but it’s felt like a lot longer than that. I hope you’ve had a better week than we have! Not a lot of positive things have happened this week but I’m going to start with those anyway as I always at least try and find something good to say even if everything looks very bleak!

There’s still no baby male gerbils for sale at present but the split cage and everything is ready. The only thing missing is Tom’s new friend! I put a notice on Tom’s Instagram account several days ago and on our main account as well to spread the word a bit for when a new litter is ready and some of our gerbil friends have spread the word as well which has been very kind of them. I think Tom has a respiratory infection though as he’s making clicking sounds when he’s breathing which is concerning. I only heard this tonight when we had cuddles so I’ve left a note for Keri as I can’t be around constantly. Due to this demon, Keri hasn’t touched Tom for months but I’ve tried to be as persuasive as possible in the note to get her to take him to the vet and to hold him. I’ve included this in the text I’ve also sent our key worker as well so that should help. This should be a positive thing in some ways as even though Tom is ill, it’ll mean that Keri will hold Tom for the 1st time, despite it being in not great circumstances! It could also mean that things will be delayed (the whole suicide thing I mean) as if Tom is put on antibiotics and has to get better than he’ll need a bit more time alone as an infection can be, well, infectious! We don’t want a new friend catching a disease straight away! Due to the fact I only found this out tonight maybe it’s a good thing there’s no male gerbils right at this moment. It could be fate.

Even though the situation with Shadow is quite restricting, at least the opportunity is still here for a couple of us to be around. Most of the time I’m only able to be out in the evenings and for the last couple of days it’s only been in the very early hours of the morning when we wake up out of nowhere. At least it gives me a chance to do my own thing. Tonight for example I can text our key worker. She’ll be asleep now but she’ll see it when she wakes up in the morning. I’m not dying or anything so I don’t want to wake her up for no reason. I can’t say I’m around at the most sociable hours at the moment but I’m focusing more on the fact that at least I’m still able to be around! Keri is also still taking her medication. Although the medication she’s on is mainly her physical health medication now. She’s on benzodiazepines because of her anxiety but there seems to have been a mix up with other stuff. I’ll get to that as that’s not a positive part! What else? We’re still alive! That’s got to be the most positive! I think the last thing is that Keri actually went to see our care coordinator this week and he managed to persuade her to go to the psychiatric review next week. I’m not sure how it’s going to go and I’m not even sure what support worker is going to be going with Keri but the point is that it’s going to happen! I’m relieved of that at least. One of the things I’ve text our key worker about is asking who on earth is actually going to go as I’ve got concerns over the appointment considering Keri’s complete denial about what’s going on. My optimism will shine through as much as possible!

Well, as much as I hate to say it, this week has been worse than others. Each week that goes by seems to be getting gradually more downhill and it’s really concerning me. Keri has refused all of her support this week with only 2 exceptions. She saw a support worker on Wednesday purely because she had an appointment with our care coordinator and can’t go alone due to her agoraphobia. And she had about 15 minutes this evening, again out of necessity, because she had to get our key worker to open the safe to get out some medication so our dosette box could be sorted. She won’t go within arm’s length of anyone, she’s not visiting any friends and family, she’s refusing to let anyone come and visit her at her flat (even though some of her family have offered), and all because of the demon thing and her paranoia. She doesn’t think she even needs to speak to any of the support workers as she’s convinced they know every move she’s making because she “knows” the cameras/microphones can’t just be “in mirrors”. She thinks people are going through her things too and are trying to hunt her down as she thinks people are going to take her to a lab because of her “powers” and she’d “rather be dead than a lab rat”. David and Mary asked her why she thought people would spend so much time surveilling her and she said it was because she’s one of the special few who are “endowed with being chosen by the wall people and a demon” and that “people want to know so they can take the power as their own”. WHAT ON EARTH? For the last couple of weeks I’ve stopped trying to get my head around her thoughts. It took several weeks for me to realise that there’s no point in me trying to understand why she’s thinking the way she is as it’s completely irrational and there is no rationality behind it. Me trying to understand all of the concepts going on inside Keri’s brain right now would be like me trying to sit here and convince you all that the earth is flat when we all know it’s not (unless you’re one of the select few who believe it still is despite being faced with all of the irrefutable scientific facts, which in my opinion isn’t rational). Also, sometimes when we’re trying to understand what Keri is saying, it’s a bit like trying to translate a 2 year old learning to talk with sounds. Combine the communication along with these weird ideas and thoughts and it really does get hard to wrap my head around it.

I’m very glad that our care coordinator managed to persuade Keri to go to the review next week with the psychiatrist. We found out that there’s been a mix up with the antidepressants. Before Keri had her alcohol relapse she was taking all her psychiatric medication, amongst which included 2 anti-depressants. It wasn’t until the appointment this week that we realised she still isn’t weaned back onto one of them. Apparently a prescription was sent to the doctor but Keri has no idea what’s going anymore, with anything let alone medication. I had a chat with Nat, David and Mary but they didn’t know anything either. We knew that the plan was to wean Keri onto a lower dose so that it could be put back up but that we didn’t have the lower dose tablets. I hadn’t known anything about that since. I haven’t personally met our psychiatrist but I’m hoping he’s perceptive. You only have to take one look at Keri to see that she’s extremely depressed. And once you get her talking, then you start to realise how unwell she is. She’s still banning the word “psychotic” which our care coordinator used in the appointment but quickly stopped using. Because Keri really has no doubt about anything she’s really lashing out now at anyone who starts suggesting it’s “in her brain”. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her change so quickly. It’s not switching, it’s more like mood swings. Although it’s not really mood swings either. It’s more getting extremely upset and angry if someone says something that sets her off and then a couple of minutes later she’ll be back to her muted, depressed, flat state. Her laughter is gone. I just want to hear her laugh again. On a normal day (what feels like a very long time ago now), she’s sarcastic in every other sentence she says and loves making people laugh and seeing people smile. And people that know her personally will know that the sarcasm I’m talking about is not even close to an exaggeration! She’s not even her anymore. It’s like she’s not even here, like she feels like she doesn’t deserve to exist. It’s horrible to see and I don’t even know how our foster family coped with it at home. Sometimes I want to slap her in the face just to see if she’ll actually react although I can’t physically do that or I’d be quite tempted! She’s made ONE slightly humoured comment in a whole week which brought on a faint smile which was barely even genuine. 

Our insomnia is totally messed up. I don’t know why it’s suddenly got so much worse but for the last 4 nights we’ve tried winding down, fallen asleep to a guided meditation thing (which me and a couple of other alters downloaded onto the phone) and then woken up out of nowhere less than an hour later. It’s not even waking up wide awake because of a nightmare. It’s waking up exhausted, not being able to sleep any longer but barely wanting to move. I actually prefer it when we barely sleep but at least feel awake enough to play a game or watch something on Netflix. I’m starting to wonder if Tom is picking up on the ‘vibes’. He’s sleeping a lot more than usual and doesn’t want as many snuggles. He still wants them but he spends more of the day asleep. I’ve seen him like this before once but it was a long time ago and it was like he was getting depressed at the same rate as we were. I say “we” because when it’s severe with Keri it can really effect the rest of us. I still have my usual optimism but I can still feel the depression. I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s a bit like vines spreading over a house that aren’t trimmed. They start creeping slowly and seeping through all the cracks, like depression, when it comes to it seriously effecting the host and then it starting to spread to other alters.

We aren’t going to be choosing another host. We aren’t even capable of doing so now because of Shadow but after I had a long chat with our key worker the other week we realised that each time we replaced ‘Keri’ there were certain symptoms that seemed to get progressively worse. If we can get Keri better (or at least thinking about our future again) then we’ll be trying to get the previous “Keri’s” into therapy. The current host Keri is number 4. We had to replace Keri 3 times because of an extremely severe abusive experience that was out of the ordinary to the usual abuse (age 4, age 8 and age 14) so if we can get those Keri’s into therapy and integrate them together that would be an amazing start. There’s a reason Shadow is like a signal blocker. The other 3 Keri’s are totally hidden. No one knows where they are. Host Keri didn’t even know she wasn’t the birth Keri until she was 22. It would be completely impractical for the Keri that was born to be the host as she’s 4 years old so integrating them would be good. But to do that we need host Keri engaging, clear-headed, no longer suicidal or psychotic, and back to her usual self! And of course, calling off Shadow so that us alters are back to normal. That’s not going to happen overnight though. All I can think though is there’s a reason our psychiatrist and care coordinator are in the roles they are; they must have dealt with people before like Keri who can’t see what’s really going on and can hopefully convince her that they have her best interests at heart. Although with her paranoia and self esteem right now, even with my optimism, I don’t know how that’s possible. I can safely say I’m not trained in mental health though so I can leave it in the hands in the professionals and, in my experience, they know what they’re doing. I’ve obviously met notable exceptions to this who have no clue whatsoever and I have no idea how on earth they’ve survived working in mental health but thankfully those occasions have been very few and far between. 

We’re trying to encourage Keri to at least keep up some of her fluids. She’s not eating. It’s not to do with calories or her eating disorder right now, it’s more that she just really doesn’t care. Although I did feel a very slight bump in her depression when she weighed herself for the 1st time this morning in 2 weeks. I’m assuming that means she’s lost a “good” amount of weight otherwise I wouldn’t have felt that little bump. I heard her briefly think this evening that the bonus to feeling crappy was that she had no desire to eat so that when she died she’d be even skinnier and look even better. Is it me or does that sound extremely twisted? I’ve never suffered with an eating disorder or with any prolonged severe depression so I can’t relate at all. If I’m presented with a home cooked meal I’ll tuck in like it’s my last meal on earth as I don’t know when I’ll next get such a good meal again! If our mental health team and support workers can do something and Shadow withdraws a bit then I’m going to start having to draw out some of our alters with some culinary prowess! I don’t mind doing the dishes if one of them can do a lovely meal for me! That would be a great scheme. I think I’ll keep my mind focused on that as something to look forward to as I’m putting some serious faith in the external people around Keri here although I’m struggling with that considering the support refusal from Keri right now and the fact most of us can’t switch at the right time to see the staff when available! If we all die because of this not being sorted then I’m not going to be the only alter doing some serious haunting! I’m sorry, that was a bit of dark humour but that was a bit of my cheeky and mischievous side coming out!

I hope you all have a good week and please keep your fingers crossed for us too, especially for the review. 

Fox 🦊  

I Finally Went to the Community Centre!

Happy Sunday! It’s the end of another week and I hope you guys have had a good one. I’ve had a lot of messages addressed to me on our Instagram and if you’re reading this and you’re one of the few I haven’t replied to then it’s because Shadow (the alter I spoke about in my last post) is seriously complicating things so I don’t have as much time to reply as I normally do! I’ll get to that at some point in the post!

It’s October now so the weather is getting colder and colder. It’s also the season for colds, flu and other gross snotty diseases! This means that Keri is seriously considering just point blank refusing to see people. Our care coordinator had to go off sick this week and, obviously, Keri thinks that the ‘demon’ has infected him. The only way she’s even accepting support right now is if staff stay at arms length at all times. She’s not even going to see our care coordinator unless he agrees to the condition they stay at opposite sides of the room to each other. This is getting ridiculous. It’s gone from people only being effected by physical contact to now just being near her. I know our key worker is really on the ball with everything and she’ll be going with Keri to see our psychiatrist, that’s if Keri actually goes. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to be there at the time but I guess I’ll find out when it gets to that point.

I was talking about Shadow last week and how Keri has been spending a while trying to get them on her side. She’s getting closer and I’m getting very angry! Shadow has now blocked most of us out and only 2 of us can be aware of what’s going on at any one time. Keri is only aware of ONE or 2 though as whenever I’m around I don’t talk so she just assumes there’s only one alter around at that time! If we aren’t one of the select couple that are aware of what’s going on, we can’t switch! Thankfully at least one of us leaders are aware at all times, if not two of us at the same time. We can’t even talk to Shadow as they’ve blocked everyone to them except Keri. I mean, for God’s sake! I don’t know what lies Keri has been feeding them but it seems to be working! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn’t escalate to the point of none of us being able to know what’s happening. I’m glad that she’s not having to cope with us arguing combined with the voices she’s hearing but not at all glad that it means our switching is limited. Ironically, the switching is more frequent and for longer, but I think that’s because when we actually get the chance to see what’s going on, it feels like we’ve been cooped up too much and need some time out doing what we want! There’s still no baby male gerbils but Keri is sorting out the split for the tank for whenever a friend is available. I’m not in argument with this as Tom does need a friend. I just have a big issue with what happens afterwards.

I got to go to the community centre this week! It’s about time too! Our usual Wednesday afternoon support worker was actually available this time as a lot of times she’s training or has meetings (or as Keri sees it “off because she’s been contaminated or died”, can I roll my eyes via written words here please?). Me and Keri arranged that she’d go with our support worker to the centre and also come back with her but for the majority of the time I’d be out doing stuff and getting to know the staff and other clients. Our support worker kindly made Keri a coffee when we were there but because I was half out already she had a craving for my tea and two sugars! I fully came out a few minutes later and pulled up my hood. Our support worker didn’t realise until I started writing. She hasn’t personally met me before and I only know her from seeing Keri with her. I had a look around the centre and chatted with our support worker (obviously by writing in my notebook). They didn’t have any diamond paintings which sucked but I helped with a big piece of paper people were working on about grounding techniques. I also borrowed a Roald Dahl book as I haven’t read for a long time. I might be mature and an old soul but at heart I’m still a young teenager who enjoys being cheeky and having my childish moments. I didn’t have a childhood so I like the moments when I can actually have fun with people. I also explored the garden there with another support worker while ours went off to do something. I have to admit, I really wanted to do some gardening! That garden looks like it’s close to being dead! I was a bit awkward at first as I knew everyone there was female. I may physically look like an adult female but I’m not. No one treated me any differently. No one ignored me and incessantly called me the wrong name. No one got awkward; which can happen because some people get unusually weird about being around someone who’s mute. I got to actually socialise with REAL people! As much as I enjoy chatting to people online, there’s a big difference between that and actually being physically around people. I’m sure I’ve said it before but just because I’m mute doesn’t mean I don’t like being around people. I like listening, even if I don’t contribute much to the conversation. I feel included even if I’m not talking! There was only two other clients there when I went, along with 3 members of staff (including our one). I don’t like not being able to personify our support workers as they are lovely, but I don’t like sharing names etc on my blog as this is the internet after all! Either way, I’m hoping I can go to the community centre again soon, even if I have to take my own diamond painting kit!

I also spent an hour or so with our key-worker at the beginning of the week as we had to have a chat about Keri. I also spoke to her about Shadow. She’s in the loop so I don’t have to explain very much when I’m with her. We agree with each other that things are getting very complicated. That’s when she clarified that she’ll be going to the psychiatrist review with Keri. We had a chat about medication which I think is a good idea. It’s very clear by this point that all of Keri’s symptoms (the paranoia, the delusion, the hallucinations, the writing/speech issues etc) aren’t just a ‘phase’ and she’s having a psychotic episode. I had to try and remember what medication Keri was put on when she last had a very severe episode that lasted a long time. It was when she was sectioned for that admission she had that lasted over 4 years. She initially got admitted as she was very ill and had paranoid psychosis (I say initially as other things cropped up along the way and she wasn’t kept for years purely because she spent all those years psychotic!). While living with our foster parents she got increasingly unwell as some time went on. She was convinced she was being stalked and that she had a bug crawling inside her skull. She tried all sorts to get it out. She even tried to get her foster dad’s power drill so she could bore a hole through her skull to get the bug out. Understandably, her foster parents had to get Keri an emergency mental health act assessment and so that began. She was put on additional medication but because there were so many I don’t know what did what! I know the antipsychotics she was on eventually helped with her delusions but there was a massive issue with one of the side effects. Considering Keri has a serious eating disorder, and has done for 10 years, the antipsychotic she was placed on caused weight gain and it had to be changed as she really freaked out about that. I think she’s been on about 5-6 different ones so I have no idea which one actually maintained her sanity. I’m sure there’s a better way to phrase that but who cares. Even so, our psychiatrist will have access to all her records. I think NHS records date back 10 years or so. I could be totally wrong about that and just be getting it confused with social services’ records but even so, he’ll be able to find out and see all of her notes. 

I know Keri is dead set against antipsychotics right now as she won’t listen as soon as someone even suggests them (she doesn’t think she’s ill at all). She’s banned the word “psychotic” from her flat as so many people have said it and she’s very angry because of the fact she thinks everything is completely real and hates when people say “it’s her brain”. She needs to hear it though. She can’t be forced to take medication but if she refuses then I want one of you to travel over here and punch her in the face please! Can I insert my angelic face here? I’m not actually sure if I have an angelic expression but that’s getting off topic. Oops. Anyway, Keri doesn’t even realise she’s rhyming when she talks and gets very confused when people point it out to her. At least she’s not stuttering as much so she is speaking more clearly. It’s more the fact she’s using words that aren’t relevant to each other besides the fact they sound the same. Oh well. I have hopes things will start getting sorted. If the demon and voices can be sorted then we all have a better shot at convincing Keri she doesn’t need to kill us all (aka herself) to “protect everyone else around her from the demon”. I’ll admit, even I get drained and exhausted from the wall people she’s hearing and I’m only hearing it from a 3rd person point of view! Or would it be a 2nd person... Either way, I only hear them through Keri, not from my own personal experience.

We’ve entered Tom into a gerbil competition. People vote for the cutest rodent and we see who wins. Most times there’s a little giveaway but this one is just for fun. Tom is very photogenic so I think he’ll get far! It’s always cute having a look at all the other photos that have been submitted but clearly I’ll be voting for Tom, like I’m sure other alters will, and everyone else who sees those big eyes! Speaking of which, those big brown eyes are staring at me again. I never make any noise, how does he even know when I’m here? He was sleeping when I initially came out. Maybe it’s because I’m not shouting or talking in rhymes at the walls! We have a good bond! Although, I haven’t heard anyone yet who hasn’t fallen in love the moment they meet him!

I’m still keeping our main Instagram updated when I can but it’ll also be down to some of the other alters as the blocking issue means I can’t linger around constantly and nip in and out for short periods like I usually do. I’m also the main one who keeps Tom’s Instagram (hopefully soon Tom and his baby friend!) updated although some other alters do too which can get confusing when I’m trying to reply to comments that I haven’t initiated! Either way I’m still going to try doing all of that, along with keeping my blog updated and replying to any messages directed to me. And of course, take care of us by eating, helping look after Tom, general stuff, and time to myself! If I can fit all that into my now limited time then I think I’ll deserve a medal although for now I think making myself a cup of tea will do 😀

Have a good week everyone and I hope we do to! Before I do anything else, I’m going to reply to those of you I haven’t replied to yet otherwise I’d be being just plain rude 🙂 Good night!

Fox 🦊 

Our “God” Alter - Shadow

Happy Sunday evening everyone!

It’s been a very busy week. Me, Mary, David and Nat ordered Keri a book called “How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me”. It arrived last Sunday and our key worker has spent a lot of time reading it to her, along with a couple of the other staff. So far Keri has said it all sounds like “bullshit”. She’s promised us she’ll keep listening to it though while it’s being read to her. She’s still struggling with reading, writing and speech so the book is being read aloud to her and she’s at least trying to listen though which is the main thing.

Both of our legs are now ruined. Keri’s still on her crutches. At least one leg is healing but I’m not sure how long it’ll be before Keri restarts on that leg again. I guess it depends on how long it takes to get Tom a companion as that’s still a big issue. There’s still no male gerbils in the area. Keri is spending a lot of time shouting and swearing at Tom but she still can’t convince herself that she hates him instead of her loving him. She never will be able to do that but I guess I can understand why she’s trying.

The support workers and our care coordinator are really trying to help Keri but I’m not sure how they can. Two of the main reasons behind this whole suicide plan is because of the “wall people” and “the demon”. I’m not really clear how on earth anything can help with that. It’s getting worse, not better. Maybe other people know how to help and I just haven’t had a conversation with anyone that knows. If we bring it up with Keri it just causes arguments, especially if we even get close to suggesting the voices and the demon are in her mind not real things like she’s convinced of. That causes serious issues, so we’re trying to just avoid that altogether. We’re already on Keri’s bad side because we completely disagree with her suicide plan, we don’t want anything else to get in the way otherwise she’ll stop listening to us entirely. I think having external people to help in this situation is coming in quite useful. The paranoia is getting stupid as well. Keri’s now avoiding all her mirrors. All her cameras are covered in blue tac - her iPad, her laptop, her PlayStation camera. The mirror in her bathroom is closed. The only one we have left is on the bedroom door and it’s now been moved to the other side of the door so it’s facing the wall (we never close the door). In reality, no one is watching or listening to us when we’re alone, but she’s convinced of it. Yet another thing to deal with. I’m so happy when I’m out as I don’t feel any of this. I’m calm and relaxed mostly and just enjoy the peace and quiet!

We have another psychiatrist review in a couple of weeks. Again, I’m not entirely sure why. Can he help? I have no idea. Because everything is so messed up I don’t want to come out in the middle of an appointment Keri is having with either our care coordinator or our psychiatrist. That’s time that could be spent with them trying to help Keri and I don’t want to take that away. If the situation gets any worse then we’re going to have to start Safety Duty again which me and the other leaders have had to talk about a lot over the last few weeks. However, because Keri gets amnesia during switching, we could be out for 2 weeks and she’ll feel like she’s just blinked, until she looks at the calendar... And even then her feelings don’t change. She’d still feel depressed, she’d still have this suicide plan, she’d still hear these voices and feel the demon thing: nothing would change except that some time would have passed. If something was happening that would be helping her then we’d be thinking that time passing would be a good thing. In this situation it’s just delaying the inevitable. If anything it could be worse as by the time we stop Safety Duty there could be an infestation of baby male gerbils available!

Most times before when Keri has been feeling this way and wanted to do something, we can try to help or at least try to stop her. Like I’ve said in previous posts, she wants to ensure she succeeds. Part of the whole plan with Keri is trying to get Shadow on her side. Shadow is an alter. They have no gender or sense of being. Shadow is like an alter god. That’s not a very accurate description but it’s the best I can come up with. They’re the only alter that has the power to block us all. If Keri manages to persuade Shadow to do that for a short time, the rest of us will be in the dark, literally. We won’t be able to see or hear what’s going on, or be able to switch. Shadow can’t do it for long but they can do it, that’s the point. It’s why it’s taken so long to be able to figure out where most of the other alters and fragments are. We started with knowing about 12 of us. Then when we discovered Shadow was covering up the majority of the others, we uncovered more and more. I don’t even know if Shadow has let us see everyone. I hope they have as there’s enough of us already! If Keri and Shadow do team up then... well, not much scares me, but that does. Even having Keri and Sally team up isn’t as scary. At least we know what’s going on and one of us can try telling somebody. None of us know what Shadow is thinking. Like I said, they block everyone. None of us ever know what Shadow is thinking or feeling. I’m hoping they have some sense to ignore Keri’s request but I don’t know what kind of self preservation they have. Maybe I should bring this up with the staff but trying to explain all this to someone is complicated. Most of the staff have gotten their heads around us coming out and interacting with us, but trying to explain Shadow is something else. I’m leaving this for now as I’m spieling too much.

Tom had his 2nd birthday yesterday! We got lots of photos and 8 of us were in and out like yo-yos trying to spoil him on his special day. He had a total makeover of his cage, got spoilt with treats and presents, plenty of cuddles and our friend Jess even got him a present which he’s still having fun destroying. He’s now also got a new coconut (number 4 in his lifetime!) and he’s snuggled in there sleeping like he used to. It’s still quite upsetting. Ian died in his coconut and even though it’s not the same one (we had Ian cremated in his coconut) we still look at it every now and then and expect to see Tom snuggled up with Ian. If you want to follow our cute little Tom then his Instagram is @ourgerbilfamily - I update it as often as possible whenever one of us gets photos. You’ll see how adorable he is, although he’s a lot more adorable face to face! He’s our little meatball with eyes that allow him to get away with anything and everything. He cons treats out of all the staff and has figured out our key worker is a weakling when it comes to him giving her the eyes and begging for treats. He’ll just sit there and stare, or settle by the door eyeing us all up and preen himself. He definitely knows the difference between men and women! It can’t be a biological thing though as he acts differently to me than he does to female alters. I know that physically I have boobs but I forget that unless I catch myself in a mirror. Apparently Tom loves sitting on boobs but he never does with me. That would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I’d love a hot chocolate right now but I don’t think we have any milk. The milk we did have was out of date by a couple of days! I’m hoping if I check the fridge there’ll be some more but if there isn’t then gross hot chocolate with hot water is better than nothing, and sugar! I like sweet things! I think it’s because I spend too much time keeping the littles occupied and they love their sweets, in moderation of course, or they’d be hyper as anything. Well, more so than usual! None of us have that much energy still. The migraines have been more frequent but I think it’s because of all the stress. Plus, with all of us alters conflicting with Keri, it definitely causes a lot of pressure to build up! 

We had a GP appointment this week but I’m not entirely sure of what happened. I know we got prescribed medication to help ease off the migraines but we haven’t started that yet. Apparently it can cause suicidal ideation. I think we’re allowed to start taking it now but I can’t say that’s been one of my priorities to keep track of. Considering the fact Keri is already suicidal and has plans in place, I doubt “suicidal ideation” is going to make anything any worse. Sometimes other alters get weird effects from medication though. I’m not a fan of getting any suicidal thoughts right now, or ever.

I’m planning to start my night walks again soon! I’ve been putting them off because we all feel so exhausted but I just love the stars. With autumn arriving, the rain seems to be coming a lot and it’s definitely feeling colder. I’ll have to keep an eye on the weather forecast and watch out for some clear nights! We’ve got into a good routine at night now. I made sure all the bedding was clean and for the last 2 nights we’ve actually spent it IN BED, not on the sofa. The insomnia sucks as it takes hours to actually sleep, sometimes we can’t even sleep at all. How can we be so tired yet not be able to sleep? I know the human body gives signals when something is wrong, but if it’s going to give signals it should allow you to feel those signals and act on them, not rebel against you when you try! Oh well, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things will level out. We’re all awake pretty early (which must be the insomnia as well) so there’s got to be a point where exhaustion makes us all just conk out for a while. None of us are a fan of using our sleeping tablets. They only get used when necessary which is obviously a good thing but it does get very tempting to take them every night if it means being able to sleep. But if we were to do that every night it would ruin the natural sleep clock and make things even worse after a while.

Tom is looking at me for hugs again! I can never resist a snuggle with my little fur ball. Plus I want my hot chocolate. We’re still watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t know if any of you are fans but there’s some very strange episodes that make me sit here and think “what on earth is going on”! If you ever get a chance to watch it, I think you’ll enjoy the musical episode. It’s.... weird. But if I had a voice then I think I’d sing to the songs!

Ok, hot chocolate and cuddles! I keep spieling without intending too. Oops!

I’ll blog next week if I can. Happy belated birthday for Tom yesterday! 😃

Fox 🦊 

Thank God for Gerbil Rarity!

Happy Sunday morning everyone! As you can see by me writing this post, we’re still here!

Today marks 19 days sober for Keri! All of us have been so onboard that even the alters that normally drink haven’t been drinking. Clari loves her alcohol but she’s agreed to temporarily abstain from alcohol too which is amazing. I love my sister but she’s definitely a handful the majority of the time so I’m glad she’s being sensible for once.

If you compare gerbils to most other rodents, you’ll find they’re a lot less common. This is amazing in my opinion. Keri has spent hours typing out letters to people she wants to write to and say goodbye to. She wanted one of us to hand write them for her but we’ve all refused. She’s resorted to typing them and it’s taking her a very long time due to the fact she can barely make any sense. She doesn’t want to leave long letters of nonsense when she considers the fact it’s her “last words”. Basically, she’s tied up most of her loose ends. The reason I started this paragraph on the topic of gerbils is because one of the last things Keri ‘needs’ to do is make sure Tom isn’t left on his own. This involves finding a baby to introduce to him. The fact of the matter is no matter how much she’s searched she can’t find a male. There’s plenty of female gerbils but currently no baby males. Nat has been talking to a few people on our gerbil Instagram but she’s going by ‘Keri’ as to not confuse people. Even so, Nat hasn’t found any baby males either which she’s happy about in most ways as this, of course, means Keri’s ‘permanent plans’ are being delayed (which I’m also ecstatic about). Keri’s view on the other hand? Well, she lost it last night and flew into a complete meltdown: crying, swearing, shouting in rhymes and making no sense, throwing things and attacking herself. We thought that after 10 minutes she’d be exhausted but that wasn’t the case. After an hour of this, we decided enough was enough and I came out for a bit. As soon as I was out I felt our heart rate drop and the adrenalin calming down. I made sure we had something to eat, took our medication, had a lot of water to rehydrate us and had some quality time with Tom. I went back in after 45 minutes and Nat came out for the rest of the night to take a sleeping tablet and make sure we got some sleep on the sofa.

Considering how upbeat Keri has been the last couple of weeks, this morning she started crying as soon as she woke up. She’s spent a lot of time talking to the wall people she’s hearing and just staring blankly. She’s been trying to convince herself she doesn’t love Tom anymore so that she doesn’t have to keep clinging on to sort out this loose end but she can’t. No matter how much she’s trying to tell herself it doesn’t matter, she can’t stop loving Tom and that’s not going to change. She can’t leave a long letter for him and the only thing she can do is get him a companion. Maybe this obvious depression is a good thing though, compared to the hidden depression I mean. The fact she’s been so upbeat has meant she’s not been very open about her feelings despite the staff trying to talk to her about everything. Now that she’s back to crying she’s a bit more susceptible to talking about her feelings, which I hope will mean she’s more open this afternoon in her support session. 

Her self harm is still ridiculous and she’s now needing to use her crutches because of the damage she’s done to one of her legs. It’s strange really that the whole reason she’s doing so much damage to her leg is to stay alive to sort out all the things she needs to. I just hope she doesn’t start on the other one with the same aggression she’s been doing with the current one. The support worker we had last night ended up seeing our leg as none of us had been able to shower for 4 days as we can’t get the wounds soaking wet. Even with the staples in, our skin is very fragile because of damage that’s been done in the past. The support worker had to help Keri wrap her leg with cling film and medical tape which meant she saw the damage. Thankfully she didn’t make any judgements and just helped with the practical aspect of things. She did ask Keri what made her want to do that to her leg, but Keri just said “Holding colding and moulding on”. Translated I’m assuming she meant: “Holding on”. That was the end of it and there was no interrogation which I’m kind of glad of as it would’ve put Keri on the defensive, even more so than she was already. Maybe with her defences lowered since her meltdown last night, she’ll actually be more open. No one is expecting her to share her soul, just to be a bit more receptive to some emotional support.

Me and Keri didn’t see our foster parents yesterday as they’ve just got a new placement. They’ve been approved for their mother and baby fostering! Hopefully we can go next weekend but it depends whether everything is settled with the placement. I’m a bit disappointed but I understand, and thankfully so did Keri. She has a tendency to think she’s unloveable and unlikeable so sometimes these things can make her feel let down but we were with our foster parents long enough for Keri to actually be able to trust them and know that they won’t let her down. Whenever she starts having doubts we just remind her that if they were going to get rid of her then they wouldn’t have stuck by all of us for so long! I don’t mean just for the years we lived with them but also all of these years afterwards! Bringing that up normally brings Keri to her senses again, even when she’s like the way she is.

I haven’t been able to go for a nice walk recently which sucks. I’ve said before that I don’t feel physical pain the same as other people do but it’s more to do with the fact that I’m exhausted. I never feel exhausted! I think it’s emotional exhaustion more than physical. All of us are in overdrive trying to find ways to sort out the situation. I’d rather exercise for 6 hours. At least then I’d expect to feel tired and not suddenly feel struck down like I haven’t slept for a month!

I’ve got some good news from my view though. I met someone on Instagram a couple of days ago who reads my blog and we’ve started chatting. I couldn’t go to the community centre last week because the support session got messed up at the last minute so I enjoy talking to people online. Considering I’m the main person right now doing our Instagram posts I see a lot of the messages coming to us and reply to most of them. A couple are old friends, another knows Keri like a sister and then there’s this woman I’m talking to who I only started messaging for the last couple of days. I’m quite a social person but it’s a bit of an obstacle being mute. I do like my alone time but it can get very isolating, especially when I meet people who have no idea about Dissociative Identity Disorder and refuse to call me by my name and keep calling me Keri. Whenever I meet those kinds of people I ignore them and pretend they aren’t there, just like they do to me be refusing to acknowledge my presence!

We’ve started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. None of us are doing a massive amount. We’re so tired that our physical activity levels are reaching zero. The good thing means that Keri doesn’t have the energy to keep exercising to excess. She’s getting a lot of migraines though and dizzy spells. It means that a lot of the time we’re on the sofa. We aren’t even going into our bedroom besides getting clothes from our wardrobes. We’re sleeping on the sofa, when one of us is actually able to sleep. If we aren’t sleeping, we’re lying down. It’s a combination of physical illness, exhaustion and the depression that’s really starting to consume everyone. It’s just spreading from Keri to the rest of us like a plague, although admittedly none of us are feeling it to the same level she is. I, personally, have only ever felt suicidal once when we were in a secure hospital but I never made any plans and it didn’t last long. I always remind myself that if one of us were to die, all of us would, and that doesn’t seem fair to me.

Keri’s due support in an hour or so and I think she’s going to appreciate needing time to lie down beforehand so I’m off for now. We have an appointment with our care coordinator this week so I might be able to do a post before Sunday, especially if Keri’s more open or if one of us is needing to do Safety Duty for a bit if a male baby gerbil is suddenly for sale in the area! I’ll admit, I need a lie down too right now. I think it was the sleeping tablet from last night that’s making all this grogginess worse this morning. You’ve got to love a foggy head. Please note my use of sarcasm!

I’ll probably make another post before Sunday but if not I’ll update you all soon! If I’m not so articulate today then it’s purely because I’m too tired. I’m sorry if there’s any typos or spelling mistakes but I haven’t reread this post like a normally try and do. I’m just pressing publish today. The quicker we can lie down the better, especially if a dizzy episode strikes again. We’ve already had one which was at 8am, less than an hour after waking!

I’ll speak to you soon everyone! I am staying as positive as possible but anyone reading this will know that the more tired you are the harder that positivity is! I’m very set in my ways though so it’s going to be hard to beat me down too much!

Have a good Sunday 🙂

Fox 🦊 

Unusually Upbeat...

Happy Sunday all. Well, it’s been a long week but we’re still alive which is what counts! Things could be worse, although if they were I guess I wouldn’t be writing my weekly post!

We’re going to get a new friend or 2 for Tom as even though he doesn’t show outwardly that he’s lonely, gerbils are social animals and rely on each other for grooming and security. We’ve been ringing Pets at Home, which is where Keri went to collect Tom and Ian in November 2017, and they get baby gerbils every few weeks. Their last litter of babies were female. As much as I love our gerbils, I’m not willing to look after a litter of baby gerbils if Keri is still refusing to touch them! Rayne spent some time with Tom for the first time the other night and of course she loved him. Everyone loves him so that’s not a surprise!

I’m not sure how I feel about this but Keri is being very careful with her suicide plans. Obviously I don’t want to die but she’s sorting out as many loose ends as possible which is taking time. Like I mentioned last week, she’s even written a Last Will and Testament which she’s now signed along with 2 witnesses. I think this is the reason she’s so desperate to get Tom a friend so that they’re together wherever they go. We’ve overridden the ‘wall people’ as much as possible and have managed to convince Keri that because suicide is permanent it shouldn’t be impulsive. The plan was that after several days she’d start to feel better and feel it wasn’t so much of an option anymore. That’s how it normally plays out. This time it’s exceeded what we normally deal with. She’s written letters to loved ones before to leave behind when she’s planned to do something but this is different. Our key worker asked Keri about things today. I’m very happy having her as a key worker as she’s worked with us so long that she knows Keri very well. Nothing gets past her. She clicked straight away about Keri’s suicidality as she did the math. I’m so f***ing glad she did the math because one of us was going to have to have a serious intervention otherwise. Excuse the swearing but I’m somewhat relieved that at least someone has clicked. Why hasn’t anyone else? 

The math included: 

*the fact Keri has made a will that’s now signed and legal

*that she’s been off of her medication and isn’t fully back on it (especially her antidepressants)

*that she’s been unusually upbeat for the last week or 2 (because of the fact she’s had her mind set on things, like it’s given her some relief finally)

*the fact she still has this delusion that she’s hurting people and animals via ‘demon transference’ and these voices she’s hearing that she calls the ‘wall people’

*because of all the loss Keri has gone through this year (two relatives have died, one of our gerbils has gone and our daughter’s 11th anniversary just passed)

Combine all of that and no one can really be surprised about all of this. I’m extremely surprised Keri managed to even get 2 witnesses to sign her will. If I’d been asked to do that (which I couldn’t do anyway as I’m not technically a separate person) I wouldn’t even consider it. I’d write “NO CHANCE” in big bold letters in black permanent marker on the wall! I’m hoping that because we’ve convinced Keri about the permanency of this decision, that the time she’s using to tie up as much as possible can be used by people to keep subtley giving her reasons to hold on. I don’t mean a lecture or a spiel. I mean general things. Previously when Keri has been suicidal, whenever she’s spoken to people about general topics it’s normally a random sentence that no one even considers relevant that starts getting her thinking. She has a strange brain. My brain runs on a different wavelength so I’m never entirely clear how she thinks, especially when she’s like the way she is at the moment. If it comes to it I’m going to be on Safety Duty again but if we have a host that’s set on killing herself there’s not much we can do, especially if Sally gets on board with the stupid plan. It takes months, sometimes up to a year to sort out a new host to take on the role of “the main person”, and none of us can stay out forever if we aren’t titled as the “main person”. It was mere fluke that Teen Keri was out for 3 months. None of us even know how that happened yet.

On the bright side, despite Keri talking “hypothetically” to our key worker, our key worker is smart as hell. Like I said, she did the math and she’s not stupid. She knows that what Keri said is serious and not “hypothetical” but she also understands that Keri isn’t going to disappear tonight and do something. This is the first time that it hasn’t been impulsive, or considered seriously for less than around a week. I mean a full plan, not just feeling suicidal. This situation is new to me and all of the other alters so we really don’t know what to do about it. For now I’m just glad that nothing is completely imminent and that at least one person knows about it now. If Keri still isn’t opening up and willing to talk properly by the time she sees her care coordinator again in 10 days then I’m going to speak to our key worker and get her to talk to him. I know Keri will hate me for it but I really don’t care. She only saw our care coordinator on Thursday and she mentioned nothing about it. I don’t think he even knows she’s written a will. But then, why would he? She hadn’t even told anyone. She didn’t plan to until she found out that to make it a legal and binding document she needed witnesses to sign it with her. Thank you to whoever does these documents as you may well have opened a line of communication in this situation what wouldn’t have happened otherwise! Not that any of them will ever see this blog but I’m writing that anyway!

Keri’s exercise has gotten excessive again but at least she’s still not drinking. Today marks day 12 without any alcohol! Despite everything that’s going on we’re very proud of her for doing this. I’d much rather she be exercising to excess rather than drinking herself into a coma every night. We can also cope with her bad self-harming as long as it doesn’t get too dangerous, like getting an artery or something. She’s been getting quite severe dizzy spells but they’re unrelated to her eating disorder which is strange. I’m wondering if it has something to do with blood loss and the severity of her ongoing anaemia. They’re happening even when she’s been sitting down and she’s had to decline some of her support due to the fact she can’t do anything during these episodes except lie completely still on her sofa until it passes, which can take more than an hour! We’ve managed to persuade her to make a GP appointment which she was happy to do as she thinks it’s playing into the public facade that she’s “focusing on her future” rather than her death. She’s going out of her way to put on this facade but what she doesn’t realise is that the rest of us alters are trying very hard to pretend to play along while also somewhat getting our way. Me, Mary, David and Nat are very good at subtle manipulation when it comes to Keri which is part of the reason we got elected to lead!

Keri spent an hour on the phone to her foster mum this evening which I was happy to hear about. All I know about the phone call was what Keri mentioned earlier about us hopefully going to see them this weekend. I’ve been wanting to for ages as I haven’t seen them since Christmas 2017! I would’ve seen them last year but because of Keri’s DTs and the fact Teen Keri appeared out of nowhere (she didn’t even know who our foster family were) we were at the flats for Christmas. Apparently our foster dad has been electrocuted and fallen off of a table. I’m not sure how accurate this is as I didn’t hear the phone call but from the way Keri was laughing as she told me I know that it’s not serious! They’re also going to be doing parent and child fostering now. I know nothing about parent and child fostering besides the fact there’s a baby involved so I’ll have to ask them about that when I see them!

I know not much in this post has been too positive but there are good bits! There’s times in the year when things look more upbeat (legitimately upbeat not fake upbeat) and I’m feeling that that will come soon. There’s got to be someone working with/seeing Keri that will say something unintentionally that gives Keri a bit of rope to cling onto that might pull her away from her current set path. We as alters are doing everything possible but we also rely on outside help. If we could all cope on our own we wouldn’t need 24 hour staff support. 

I’m going to enjoy a couple of hours to myself. It’s midnight now and I’m enjoying my peace and quiet without having to hear those voices Keri hears. Tom is awake again as he had a nap earlier so I’m going to have cuddles with the little meatball! When Tom has his new baby friend/friends I’m going to enjoy it even more. I know I shouldn’t say this but Tom will always be my favourite no matter how cute his new companions are!

I’ll be posting next week. We will still be alive, even if I have to be fully out for a few days. I hate being out longer than a day but if it’s necessary I’ll do it. Tom says hello! He’s already waiting at his cage door looking at me with his big eyes as if to say “Fox! Where’s my cuddles???”.

Good night friends 🙂

Fox 🦊 

Coping With A Lot of Loss

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote a post as we’ve had a lot going on. I think I’ll start with the positive as I’m sure there’s some of that going on!

Keri has finally stopped drinking. She always does it cold turkey but because she was only drinking heavily for about 6 weeks her withdrawals weren’t life-threatening: they didn’t involve seizures or DTs. We were all just extremely uncomfortable for several days but I didn’t have to endure it much as I stayed well out of the way. It was selfish of me but I can’t cope with any form of physical illness, including withdrawals. It’s one of my triggers. In order to remain a leader I need to invoke my self-care rule at times! It was only yesterday that everyone started feeling a lot better and we’re almost back to normal. Keri also stopped taking her medication for a few weeks, all of it. Since Tuesday her care coordinator has rang most days to be able to phase her back onto it. We’re in the middle of the “phasing” at the moment in consultation with our care coordinator and 2 psychiatrists (one of which is our current one, the other is the one who was previously overseeing our care). The fact our medication has been messed with is not helping Keri’s state of mind and mine is being effected too, although not nearly as bad.

The staff here at the flats have been absolutely amazing. They’re spending time on the phone in the middle of the night if Keri isn’t coping and they’re really trying to keep us all going. We had an anniversary on 3rd September in regards to “our” daughter. I wouldn’t class her as mine as I wasn’t around when she was born, but overall she was all of ours. The staff supported Keri all day. She went bowling, went out for a coffee and got a balloon and let it go in the car park. We managed to persuade Keri to put off any suicide plans but it’s one of those things she’s still constantly thinking about, she’s even written a will for god’s sake. She just won’t bloody talk about it! Me and Nat are pretty on the ball when it comes to talking to staff though, especially our key worker. 

One more positive thing I can think of is Keri is trying to involve herself in as much as possible. If she doesn’t stay distracted she gets totally consumed by her thoughts and her hallucinations i.e the wall people she’s hearing and the delusion she still has about the demon inside her. She’s having meltdowns very quickly and over very trivial things that very quickly spiral downwards. We’ve encouraged her as much as possible to keep doing things that keep her occupied, even if it’s only a few minutes. Every Wednesday she’s going to the community centre, she’s going to start going swimming again with a support worker on Thursdays, she’s got her therapy on Tuesdays, she wants to start going to the gym again. I’m not sure how serious she is about all this or if she’s just saying it to keep us all happy. I’m a positive thinker most of the time so I’m hoping she’s doing it for her own good to stay distracted. She’s already started exercising again every day but I’ve got my fingers crossed that it doesn’t escalate into obsession.

Now, all the crap stuff. We’ve had to go through our daughter’s anniversary which was so painful it was beyond belief. Nat made Keri a video to try and persuade her it wasn’t her fault. Even Sally doesn’t blame Keri and she blames everyone for everything. Keri has a tendency to blame herself for everything that involved her birth father. This delusion she has of a demon inside her is convincing her she’s making people sick and killing people just by physical touch. It’s ridiculous of course and the staff have tried very hard to convince her that’s not the case. Has it worked? It hasn’t even put a single doubt in her head. It’s extremely frustrating!

One of our gerbils, Ian, very sadly passed away at the end of August. We found him lying curled up in his coconut with Tom lying on top of him trying to groom him. It was the most heartbreaking thing we’ve had to deal with since our grandad died. All we can think is that he was misdiagnosed and that he had a stroke instead of an ear infection. He was so small that it’s hard to diagnose compared to a cat or a dog. Keri took him to Forget Me Not Pet Crematorium with her best friend and we now have Ian’s ashes in a scatter tube and a lovely card that has Ian’s paw prints and some of his fur inside. The woman who dealt with it all was so compassionate and kind. Little Ian was cremated inside his beloved coconut. The woman’s name was Sue. She dropped Ian off to Nat at our flat two days after Keri took him in and a lot of us cried, understandably. Tom is now on his own. He sat for a while huddled in a corner, very depressed, and not wanting to do anything. After a few days he started perking up again and he’s back to his hyperactive little self. Keri thinks she killed Ian because she ‘transferred some of the demon to him’. This is obviously far from true but she’s convinced of it. A couple of the staff have had to speak to Keri to ask what happened as there’s been miscommunication about what happened between the staff and their notes they have to write. Keri has been clear that she killed Ian but that she didn’t mean to, that it was to do with the “demon transference” not anything like suffocating him or throwing him at a wall. Unfortunately, a couple of staff have misunderstood this and they’ve had to ask Keri why she killed him and what happened. We’ve had one of the managers over asking about Ian. She knows Keri would never have intentionally hurt him but she had to ask to protect the welfare of Tom. Yesterday, a member of staff had misread the notes and thought Keri had done something deliberate. Keri won’t even touch Tom now. She’s feeding him and making sure he has water and cardboard to chew, but if he even tries putting his paw on her hand she flinches away. She’s terrified the same “transference” will happen and that she’ll “kill” Tom too. He’s still getting cuddles and playtime though as a few of us are coming out to see him. I’m out most nights again and I always love a cuddle with my little Tom. I had him running around on the sofa not long ago but had to put him away after half an hour as he wanted to try to help me type my blog! He loves me as much as I do him, and he knows the difference between all of us alters. As an example, he’ll come straight to me for a cuddle but if Clari tries he’ll stay well away! I’m giving him as much physical contact as possible but I know he misses spending time with Keri. If he senses the difference between us then I’m sure he’s intelligent enough to know when Keri is out instead of one of us.

Since Keri stopped drinking her self-injury has gotten ridiculous. I’m covered with staples right now (medical staples, not random staples). She’s targeting her legs for some reason and even though we’re coming out as often as possible to help, it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m hoping that with some more time and getting adjusted to being back on the medication that this will ease off a bit. We’re already quite severely anaemic so this isn’t going to help the situation. She’s not even letting anyone know but I think if anything starts getting infected then I’ll be informing our key worker or therapist myself if Keri doesn’t. It is my body too after all. I hate when Keri feels suicidal and self destructive as I don’t want to die. If she dies, all of us die. But then she thinks being alive and in contact with people is causing “transference” and is going to make people sick, or worse. She’s still accepting support right now but I’m not sure how long that’s going to last. This delusion of hers isn’t getting any better. Far from it. It’s getting stronger. I can only put my trust into our support workers and mental health team and hope they know what they’re doing and how to help. I’m not a professional and we’ve found that arguing with Keri about all of it is just making the situation worse. Whenever any of us say something, the ‘wall people’ immediately jump in to disagree with what we say to her and it causes a lot of friction which makes the situation worse for Keri which isn’t what any of us want 🙁

Keri still isn’t talking properly, can barely read anything without getting muddled, and when she writes none of us know what on earth she’s trying to write as she uses a lot of rhymes instead of the words she actually needs to use - although she thinks it makes perfect sense. The only time I get some peace is when I’m out. I don’t hear these voices she hears, I’m not experiencing any demon thing, and I don’t have my thoughts racing as fast as hers are. I’m usually pretty on the ball but trying to keep up with someone who’s going at hyper-speed is hard for anyone! Let alone when all their thoughts are jumbled together.

As you can see, writing a post over the last few weeks has been nigh on impossible! It’s nearly midnight and I need to get some food inside us so I’m going to publish this and get on with other things I need to do! One of the downsides of having an unwell host is that the rest of us are left running around trying to get everyday things done! 

Good night 🙂

Fox 🦊