Our “God” Alter - Shadow

Happy Sunday evening everyone!

It’s been a very busy week. Me, Mary, David and Nat ordered Keri a book called “How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me”. It arrived last Sunday and our key worker has spent a lot of time reading it to her, along with a couple of the other staff. So far Keri has said it all sounds like “bullshit”. She’s promised us she’ll keep listening to it though while it’s being read to her. She’s still struggling with reading, writing and speech so the book is being read aloud to her and she’s at least trying to listen though which is the main thing.

Both of our legs are now ruined. Keri’s still on her crutches. At least one leg is healing but I’m not sure how long it’ll be before Keri restarts on that leg again. I guess it depends on how long it takes to get Tom a companion as that’s still a big issue. There’s still no male gerbils in the area. Keri is spending a lot of time shouting and swearing at Tom but she still can’t convince herself that she hates him instead of her loving him. She never will be able to do that but I guess I can understand why she’s trying.

The support workers and our care coordinator are really trying to help Keri but I’m not sure how they can. Two of the main reasons behind this whole suicide plan is because of the “wall people” and “the demon”. I’m not really clear how on earth anything can help with that. It’s getting worse, not better. Maybe other people know how to help and I just haven’t had a conversation with anyone that knows. If we bring it up with Keri it just causes arguments, especially if we even get close to suggesting the voices and the demon are in her mind not real things like she’s convinced of. That causes serious issues, so we’re trying to just avoid that altogether. We’re already on Keri’s bad side because we completely disagree with her suicide plan, we don’t want anything else to get in the way otherwise she’ll stop listening to us entirely. I think having external people to help in this situation is coming in quite useful. The paranoia is getting stupid as well. Keri’s now avoiding all her mirrors. All her cameras are covered in blue tac - her iPad, her laptop, her PlayStation camera. The mirror in her bathroom is closed. The only one we have left is on the bedroom door and it’s now been moved to the other side of the door so it’s facing the wall (we never close the door). In reality, no one is watching or listening to us when we’re alone, but she’s convinced of it. Yet another thing to deal with. I’m so happy when I’m out as I don’t feel any of this. I’m calm and relaxed mostly and just enjoy the peace and quiet!

We have another psychiatrist review in a couple of weeks. Again, I’m not entirely sure why. Can he help? I have no idea. Because everything is so messed up I don’t want to come out in the middle of an appointment Keri is having with either our care coordinator or our psychiatrist. That’s time that could be spent with them trying to help Keri and I don’t want to take that away. If the situation gets any worse then we’re going to have to start Safety Duty again which me and the other leaders have had to talk about a lot over the last few weeks. However, because Keri gets amnesia during switching, we could be out for 2 weeks and she’ll feel like she’s just blinked, until she looks at the calendar... And even then her feelings don’t change. She’d still feel depressed, she’d still have this suicide plan, she’d still hear these voices and feel the demon thing: nothing would change except that some time would have passed. If something was happening that would be helping her then we’d be thinking that time passing would be a good thing. In this situation it’s just delaying the inevitable. If anything it could be worse as by the time we stop Safety Duty there could be an infestation of baby male gerbils available!

Most times before when Keri has been feeling this way and wanted to do something, we can try to help or at least try to stop her. Like I’ve said in previous posts, she wants to ensure she succeeds. Part of the whole plan with Keri is trying to get Shadow on her side. Shadow is an alter. They have no gender or sense of being. Shadow is like an alter god. That’s not a very accurate description but it’s the best I can come up with. They’re the only alter that has the power to block us all. If Keri manages to persuade Shadow to do that for a short time, the rest of us will be in the dark, literally. We won’t be able to see or hear what’s going on, or be able to switch. Shadow can’t do it for long but they can do it, that’s the point. It’s why it’s taken so long to be able to figure out where most of the other alters and fragments are. We started with knowing about 12 of us. Then when we discovered Shadow was covering up the majority of the others, we uncovered more and more. I don’t even know if Shadow has let us see everyone. I hope they have as there’s enough of us already! If Keri and Shadow do team up then... well, not much scares me, but that does. Even having Keri and Sally team up isn’t as scary. At least we know what’s going on and one of us can try telling somebody. None of us know what Shadow is thinking. Like I said, they block everyone. None of us ever know what Shadow is thinking or feeling. I’m hoping they have some sense to ignore Keri’s request but I don’t know what kind of self preservation they have. Maybe I should bring this up with the staff but trying to explain all this to someone is complicated. Most of the staff have gotten their heads around us coming out and interacting with us, but trying to explain Shadow is something else. I’m leaving this for now as I’m spieling too much.

Tom had his 2nd birthday yesterday! We got lots of photos and 8 of us were in and out like yo-yos trying to spoil him on his special day. He had a total makeover of his cage, got spoilt with treats and presents, plenty of cuddles and our friend Jess even got him a present which he’s still having fun destroying. He’s now also got a new coconut (number 4 in his lifetime!) and he’s snuggled in there sleeping like he used to. It’s still quite upsetting. Ian died in his coconut and even though it’s not the same one (we had Ian cremated in his coconut) we still look at it every now and then and expect to see Tom snuggled up with Ian. If you want to follow our cute little Tom then his Instagram is @ourgerbilfamily - I update it as often as possible whenever one of us gets photos. You’ll see how adorable he is, although he’s a lot more adorable face to face! He’s our little meatball with eyes that allow him to get away with anything and everything. He cons treats out of all the staff and has figured out our key worker is a weakling when it comes to him giving her the eyes and begging for treats. He’ll just sit there and stare, or settle by the door eyeing us all up and preen himself. He definitely knows the difference between men and women! It can’t be a biological thing though as he acts differently to me than he does to female alters. I know that physically I have boobs but I forget that unless I catch myself in a mirror. Apparently Tom loves sitting on boobs but he never does with me. That would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I’d love a hot chocolate right now but I don’t think we have any milk. The milk we did have was out of date by a couple of days! I’m hoping if I check the fridge there’ll be some more but if there isn’t then gross hot chocolate with hot water is better than nothing, and sugar! I like sweet things! I think it’s because I spend too much time keeping the littles occupied and they love their sweets, in moderation of course, or they’d be hyper as anything. Well, more so than usual! None of us have that much energy still. The migraines have been more frequent but I think it’s because of all the stress. Plus, with all of us alters conflicting with Keri, it definitely causes a lot of pressure to build up! 

We had a GP appointment this week but I’m not entirely sure of what happened. I know we got prescribed medication to help ease off the migraines but we haven’t started that yet. Apparently it can cause suicidal ideation. I think we’re allowed to start taking it now but I can’t say that’s been one of my priorities to keep track of. Considering the fact Keri is already suicidal and has plans in place, I doubt “suicidal ideation” is going to make anything any worse. Sometimes other alters get weird effects from medication though. I’m not a fan of getting any suicidal thoughts right now, or ever.

I’m planning to start my night walks again soon! I’ve been putting them off because we all feel so exhausted but I just love the stars. With autumn arriving, the rain seems to be coming a lot and it’s definitely feeling colder. I’ll have to keep an eye on the weather forecast and watch out for some clear nights! We’ve got into a good routine at night now. I made sure all the bedding was clean and for the last 2 nights we’ve actually spent it IN BED, not on the sofa. The insomnia sucks as it takes hours to actually sleep, sometimes we can’t even sleep at all. How can we be so tired yet not be able to sleep? I know the human body gives signals when something is wrong, but if it’s going to give signals it should allow you to feel those signals and act on them, not rebel against you when you try! Oh well, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things will level out. We’re all awake pretty early (which must be the insomnia as well) so there’s got to be a point where exhaustion makes us all just conk out for a while. None of us are a fan of using our sleeping tablets. They only get used when necessary which is obviously a good thing but it does get very tempting to take them every night if it means being able to sleep. But if we were to do that every night it would ruin the natural sleep clock and make things even worse after a while.

Tom is looking at me for hugs again! I can never resist a snuggle with my little fur ball. Plus I want my hot chocolate. We’re still watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t know if any of you are fans but there’s some very strange episodes that make me sit here and think “what on earth is going on”! If you ever get a chance to watch it, I think you’ll enjoy the musical episode. It’s.... weird. But if I had a voice then I think I’d sing to the songs!

Ok, hot chocolate and cuddles! I keep spieling without intending too. Oops!

I’ll blog next week if I can. Happy belated birthday for Tom yesterday! 😃

Fox 🦊