It’s been another week but it’s felt like a lot longer than that. I hope you’ve had a better week than we have! Not a lot of positive things have happened this week but I’m going to start with those anyway as I always at least try and find something good to say even if everything looks very bleak!
There’s still no baby male gerbils for sale at present but the split cage and everything is ready. The only thing missing is Tom’s new friend! I put a notice on Tom’s Instagram account several days ago and on our main account as well to spread the word a bit for when a new litter is ready and some of our gerbil friends have spread the word as well which has been very kind of them. I think Tom has a respiratory infection though as he’s making clicking sounds when he’s breathing which is concerning. I only heard this tonight when we had cuddles so I’ve left a note for Keri as I can’t be around constantly. Due to this demon, Keri hasn’t touched Tom for months but I’ve tried to be as persuasive as possible in the note to get her to take him to the vet and to hold him. I’ve included this in the text I’ve also sent our key worker as well so that should help. This should be a positive thing in some ways as even though Tom is ill, it’ll mean that Keri will hold Tom for the 1st time, despite it being in not great circumstances! It could also mean that things will be delayed (the whole suicide thing I mean) as if Tom is put on antibiotics and has to get better than he’ll need a bit more time alone as an infection can be, well, infectious! We don’t want a new friend catching a disease straight away! Due to the fact I only found this out tonight maybe it’s a good thing there’s no male gerbils right at this moment. It could be fate.
Even though the situation with Shadow is quite restricting, at least the opportunity is still here for a couple of us to be around. Most of the time I’m only able to be out in the evenings and for the last couple of days it’s only been in the very early hours of the morning when we wake up out of nowhere. At least it gives me a chance to do my own thing. Tonight for example I can text our key worker. She’ll be asleep now but she’ll see it when she wakes up in the morning. I’m not dying or anything so I don’t want to wake her up for no reason. I can’t say I’m around at the most sociable hours at the moment but I’m focusing more on the fact that at least I’m still able to be around! Keri is also still taking her medication. Although the medication she’s on is mainly her physical health medication now. She’s on benzodiazepines because of her anxiety but there seems to have been a mix up with other stuff. I’ll get to that as that’s not a positive part! What else? We’re still alive! That’s got to be the most positive! I think the last thing is that Keri actually went to see our care coordinator this week and he managed to persuade her to go to the psychiatric review next week. I’m not sure how it’s going to go and I’m not even sure what support worker is going to be going with Keri but the point is that it’s going to happen! I’m relieved of that at least. One of the things I’ve text our key worker about is asking who on earth is actually going to go as I’ve got concerns over the appointment considering Keri’s complete denial about what’s going on. My optimism will shine through as much as possible!
Well, as much as I hate to say it, this week has been worse than others. Each week that goes by seems to be getting gradually more downhill and it’s really concerning me. Keri has refused all of her support this week with only 2 exceptions. She saw a support worker on Wednesday purely because she had an appointment with our care coordinator and can’t go alone due to her agoraphobia. And she had about 15 minutes this evening, again out of necessity, because she had to get our key worker to open the safe to get out some medication so our dosette box could be sorted. She won’t go within arm’s length of anyone, she’s not visiting any friends and family, she’s refusing to let anyone come and visit her at her flat (even though some of her family have offered), and all because of the demon thing and her paranoia. She doesn’t think she even needs to speak to any of the support workers as she’s convinced they know every move she’s making because she “knows” the cameras/microphones can’t just be “in mirrors”. She thinks people are going through her things too and are trying to hunt her down as she thinks people are going to take her to a lab because of her “powers” and she’d “rather be dead than a lab rat”. David and Mary asked her why she thought people would spend so much time surveilling her and she said it was because she’s one of the special few who are “endowed with being chosen by the wall people and a demon” and that “people want to know so they can take the power as their own”. WHAT ON EARTH? For the last couple of weeks I’ve stopped trying to get my head around her thoughts. It took several weeks for me to realise that there’s no point in me trying to understand why she’s thinking the way she is as it’s completely irrational and there is no rationality behind it. Me trying to understand all of the concepts going on inside Keri’s brain right now would be like me trying to sit here and convince you all that the earth is flat when we all know it’s not (unless you’re one of the select few who believe it still is despite being faced with all of the irrefutable scientific facts, which in my opinion isn’t rational). Also, sometimes when we’re trying to understand what Keri is saying, it’s a bit like trying to translate a 2 year old learning to talk with sounds. Combine the communication along with these weird ideas and thoughts and it really does get hard to wrap my head around it.
I’m very glad that our care coordinator managed to persuade Keri to go to the review next week with the psychiatrist. We found out that there’s been a mix up with the antidepressants. Before Keri had her alcohol relapse she was taking all her psychiatric medication, amongst which included 2 anti-depressants. It wasn’t until the appointment this week that we realised she still isn’t weaned back onto one of them. Apparently a prescription was sent to the doctor but Keri has no idea what’s going anymore, with anything let alone medication. I had a chat with Nat, David and Mary but they didn’t know anything either. We knew that the plan was to wean Keri onto a lower dose so that it could be put back up but that we didn’t have the lower dose tablets. I hadn’t known anything about that since. I haven’t personally met our psychiatrist but I’m hoping he’s perceptive. You only have to take one look at Keri to see that she’s extremely depressed. And once you get her talking, then you start to realise how unwell she is. She’s still banning the word “psychotic” which our care coordinator used in the appointment but quickly stopped using. Because Keri really has no doubt about anything she’s really lashing out now at anyone who starts suggesting it’s “in her brain”. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her change so quickly. It’s not switching, it’s more like mood swings. Although it’s not really mood swings either. It’s more getting extremely upset and angry if someone says something that sets her off and then a couple of minutes later she’ll be back to her muted, depressed, flat state. Her laughter is gone. I just want to hear her laugh again. On a normal day (what feels like a very long time ago now), she’s sarcastic in every other sentence she says and loves making people laugh and seeing people smile. And people that know her personally will know that the sarcasm I’m talking about is not even close to an exaggeration! She’s not even her anymore. It’s like she’s not even here, like she feels like she doesn’t deserve to exist. It’s horrible to see and I don’t even know how our foster family coped with it at home. Sometimes I want to slap her in the face just to see if she’ll actually react although I can’t physically do that or I’d be quite tempted! She’s made ONE slightly humoured comment in a whole week which brought on a faint smile which was barely even genuine.
Our insomnia is totally messed up. I don’t know why it’s suddenly got so much worse but for the last 4 nights we’ve tried winding down, fallen asleep to a guided meditation thing (which me and a couple of other alters downloaded onto the phone) and then woken up out of nowhere less than an hour later. It’s not even waking up wide awake because of a nightmare. It’s waking up exhausted, not being able to sleep any longer but barely wanting to move. I actually prefer it when we barely sleep but at least feel awake enough to play a game or watch something on Netflix. I’m starting to wonder if Tom is picking up on the ‘vibes’. He’s sleeping a lot more than usual and doesn’t want as many snuggles. He still wants them but he spends more of the day asleep. I’ve seen him like this before once but it was a long time ago and it was like he was getting depressed at the same rate as we were. I say “we” because when it’s severe with Keri it can really effect the rest of us. I still have my usual optimism but I can still feel the depression. I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s a bit like vines spreading over a house that aren’t trimmed. They start creeping slowly and seeping through all the cracks, like depression, when it comes to it seriously effecting the host and then it starting to spread to other alters.
We aren’t going to be choosing another host. We aren’t even capable of doing so now because of Shadow but after I had a long chat with our key worker the other week we realised that each time we replaced ‘Keri’ there were certain symptoms that seemed to get progressively worse. If we can get Keri better (or at least thinking about our future again) then we’ll be trying to get the previous “Keri’s” into therapy. The current host Keri is number 4. We had to replace Keri 3 times because of an extremely severe abusive experience that was out of the ordinary to the usual abuse (age 4, age 8 and age 14) so if we can get those Keri’s into therapy and integrate them together that would be an amazing start. There’s a reason Shadow is like a signal blocker. The other 3 Keri’s are totally hidden. No one knows where they are. Host Keri didn’t even know she wasn’t the birth Keri until she was 22. It would be completely impractical for the Keri that was born to be the host as she’s 4 years old so integrating them would be good. But to do that we need host Keri engaging, clear-headed, no longer suicidal or psychotic, and back to her usual self! And of course, calling off Shadow so that us alters are back to normal. That’s not going to happen overnight though. All I can think though is there’s a reason our psychiatrist and care coordinator are in the roles they are; they must have dealt with people before like Keri who can’t see what’s really going on and can hopefully convince her that they have her best interests at heart. Although with her paranoia and self esteem right now, even with my optimism, I don’t know how that’s possible. I can safely say I’m not trained in mental health though so I can leave it in the hands in the professionals and, in my experience, they know what they’re doing. I’ve obviously met notable exceptions to this who have no clue whatsoever and I have no idea how on earth they’ve survived working in mental health but thankfully those occasions have been very few and far between.
We’re trying to encourage Keri to at least keep up some of her fluids. She’s not eating. It’s not to do with calories or her eating disorder right now, it’s more that she just really doesn’t care. Although I did feel a very slight bump in her depression when she weighed herself for the 1st time this morning in 2 weeks. I’m assuming that means she’s lost a “good” amount of weight otherwise I wouldn’t have felt that little bump. I heard her briefly think this evening that the bonus to feeling crappy was that she had no desire to eat so that when she died she’d be even skinnier and look even better. Is it me or does that sound extremely twisted? I’ve never suffered with an eating disorder or with any prolonged severe depression so I can’t relate at all. If I’m presented with a home cooked meal I’ll tuck in like it’s my last meal on earth as I don’t know when I’ll next get such a good meal again! If our mental health team and support workers can do something and Shadow withdraws a bit then I’m going to start having to draw out some of our alters with some culinary prowess! I don’t mind doing the dishes if one of them can do a lovely meal for me! That would be a great scheme. I think I’ll keep my mind focused on that as something to look forward to as I’m putting some serious faith in the external people around Keri here although I’m struggling with that considering the support refusal from Keri right now and the fact most of us can’t switch at the right time to see the staff when available! If we all die because of this not being sorted then I’m not going to be the only alter doing some serious haunting! I’m sorry, that was a bit of dark humour but that was a bit of my cheeky and mischievous side coming out!
I hope you all have a good week and please keep your fingers crossed for us too, especially for the review.
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