Our “God” Alter - Shadow

Happy Sunday evening everyone!

It’s been a very busy week. Me, Mary, David and Nat ordered Keri a book called “How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me”. It arrived last Sunday and our key worker has spent a lot of time reading it to her, along with a couple of the other staff. So far Keri has said it all sounds like “bullshit”. She’s promised us she’ll keep listening to it though while it’s being read to her. She’s still struggling with reading, writing and speech so the book is being read aloud to her and she’s at least trying to listen though which is the main thing.

Both of our legs are now ruined. Keri’s still on her crutches. At least one leg is healing but I’m not sure how long it’ll be before Keri restarts on that leg again. I guess it depends on how long it takes to get Tom a companion as that’s still a big issue. There’s still no male gerbils in the area. Keri is spending a lot of time shouting and swearing at Tom but she still can’t convince herself that she hates him instead of her loving him. She never will be able to do that but I guess I can understand why she’s trying.

The support workers and our care coordinator are really trying to help Keri but I’m not sure how they can. Two of the main reasons behind this whole suicide plan is because of the “wall people” and “the demon”. I’m not really clear how on earth anything can help with that. It’s getting worse, not better. Maybe other people know how to help and I just haven’t had a conversation with anyone that knows. If we bring it up with Keri it just causes arguments, especially if we even get close to suggesting the voices and the demon are in her mind not real things like she’s convinced of. That causes serious issues, so we’re trying to just avoid that altogether. We’re already on Keri’s bad side because we completely disagree with her suicide plan, we don’t want anything else to get in the way otherwise she’ll stop listening to us entirely. I think having external people to help in this situation is coming in quite useful. The paranoia is getting stupid as well. Keri’s now avoiding all her mirrors. All her cameras are covered in blue tac - her iPad, her laptop, her PlayStation camera. The mirror in her bathroom is closed. The only one we have left is on the bedroom door and it’s now been moved to the other side of the door so it’s facing the wall (we never close the door). In reality, no one is watching or listening to us when we’re alone, but she’s convinced of it. Yet another thing to deal with. I’m so happy when I’m out as I don’t feel any of this. I’m calm and relaxed mostly and just enjoy the peace and quiet!

We have another psychiatrist review in a couple of weeks. Again, I’m not entirely sure why. Can he help? I have no idea. Because everything is so messed up I don’t want to come out in the middle of an appointment Keri is having with either our care coordinator or our psychiatrist. That’s time that could be spent with them trying to help Keri and I don’t want to take that away. If the situation gets any worse then we’re going to have to start Safety Duty again which me and the other leaders have had to talk about a lot over the last few weeks. However, because Keri gets amnesia during switching, we could be out for 2 weeks and she’ll feel like she’s just blinked, until she looks at the calendar... And even then her feelings don’t change. She’d still feel depressed, she’d still have this suicide plan, she’d still hear these voices and feel the demon thing: nothing would change except that some time would have passed. If something was happening that would be helping her then we’d be thinking that time passing would be a good thing. In this situation it’s just delaying the inevitable. If anything it could be worse as by the time we stop Safety Duty there could be an infestation of baby male gerbils available!

Most times before when Keri has been feeling this way and wanted to do something, we can try to help or at least try to stop her. Like I’ve said in previous posts, she wants to ensure she succeeds. Part of the whole plan with Keri is trying to get Shadow on her side. Shadow is an alter. They have no gender or sense of being. Shadow is like an alter god. That’s not a very accurate description but it’s the best I can come up with. They’re the only alter that has the power to block us all. If Keri manages to persuade Shadow to do that for a short time, the rest of us will be in the dark, literally. We won’t be able to see or hear what’s going on, or be able to switch. Shadow can’t do it for long but they can do it, that’s the point. It’s why it’s taken so long to be able to figure out where most of the other alters and fragments are. We started with knowing about 12 of us. Then when we discovered Shadow was covering up the majority of the others, we uncovered more and more. I don’t even know if Shadow has let us see everyone. I hope they have as there’s enough of us already! If Keri and Shadow do team up then... well, not much scares me, but that does. Even having Keri and Sally team up isn’t as scary. At least we know what’s going on and one of us can try telling somebody. None of us know what Shadow is thinking. Like I said, they block everyone. None of us ever know what Shadow is thinking or feeling. I’m hoping they have some sense to ignore Keri’s request but I don’t know what kind of self preservation they have. Maybe I should bring this up with the staff but trying to explain all this to someone is complicated. Most of the staff have gotten their heads around us coming out and interacting with us, but trying to explain Shadow is something else. I’m leaving this for now as I’m spieling too much.

Tom had his 2nd birthday yesterday! We got lots of photos and 8 of us were in and out like yo-yos trying to spoil him on his special day. He had a total makeover of his cage, got spoilt with treats and presents, plenty of cuddles and our friend Jess even got him a present which he’s still having fun destroying. He’s now also got a new coconut (number 4 in his lifetime!) and he’s snuggled in there sleeping like he used to. It’s still quite upsetting. Ian died in his coconut and even though it’s not the same one (we had Ian cremated in his coconut) we still look at it every now and then and expect to see Tom snuggled up with Ian. If you want to follow our cute little Tom then his Instagram is @ourgerbilfamily - I update it as often as possible whenever one of us gets photos. You’ll see how adorable he is, although he’s a lot more adorable face to face! He’s our little meatball with eyes that allow him to get away with anything and everything. He cons treats out of all the staff and has figured out our key worker is a weakling when it comes to him giving her the eyes and begging for treats. He’ll just sit there and stare, or settle by the door eyeing us all up and preen himself. He definitely knows the difference between men and women! It can’t be a biological thing though as he acts differently to me than he does to female alters. I know that physically I have boobs but I forget that unless I catch myself in a mirror. Apparently Tom loves sitting on boobs but he never does with me. That would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I’d love a hot chocolate right now but I don’t think we have any milk. The milk we did have was out of date by a couple of days! I’m hoping if I check the fridge there’ll be some more but if there isn’t then gross hot chocolate with hot water is better than nothing, and sugar! I like sweet things! I think it’s because I spend too much time keeping the littles occupied and they love their sweets, in moderation of course, or they’d be hyper as anything. Well, more so than usual! None of us have that much energy still. The migraines have been more frequent but I think it’s because of all the stress. Plus, with all of us alters conflicting with Keri, it definitely causes a lot of pressure to build up! 

We had a GP appointment this week but I’m not entirely sure of what happened. I know we got prescribed medication to help ease off the migraines but we haven’t started that yet. Apparently it can cause suicidal ideation. I think we’re allowed to start taking it now but I can’t say that’s been one of my priorities to keep track of. Considering the fact Keri is already suicidal and has plans in place, I doubt “suicidal ideation” is going to make anything any worse. Sometimes other alters get weird effects from medication though. I’m not a fan of getting any suicidal thoughts right now, or ever.

I’m planning to start my night walks again soon! I’ve been putting them off because we all feel so exhausted but I just love the stars. With autumn arriving, the rain seems to be coming a lot and it’s definitely feeling colder. I’ll have to keep an eye on the weather forecast and watch out for some clear nights! We’ve got into a good routine at night now. I made sure all the bedding was clean and for the last 2 nights we’ve actually spent it IN BED, not on the sofa. The insomnia sucks as it takes hours to actually sleep, sometimes we can’t even sleep at all. How can we be so tired yet not be able to sleep? I know the human body gives signals when something is wrong, but if it’s going to give signals it should allow you to feel those signals and act on them, not rebel against you when you try! Oh well, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that things will level out. We’re all awake pretty early (which must be the insomnia as well) so there’s got to be a point where exhaustion makes us all just conk out for a while. None of us are a fan of using our sleeping tablets. They only get used when necessary which is obviously a good thing but it does get very tempting to take them every night if it means being able to sleep. But if we were to do that every night it would ruin the natural sleep clock and make things even worse after a while.

Tom is looking at me for hugs again! I can never resist a snuggle with my little fur ball. Plus I want my hot chocolate. We’re still watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t know if any of you are fans but there’s some very strange episodes that make me sit here and think “what on earth is going on”! If you ever get a chance to watch it, I think you’ll enjoy the musical episode. It’s.... weird. But if I had a voice then I think I’d sing to the songs!

Ok, hot chocolate and cuddles! I keep spieling without intending too. Oops!

I’ll blog next week if I can. Happy belated birthday for Tom yesterday! 😃

Fox 🦊 

Thank God for Gerbil Rarity!

Happy Sunday morning everyone! As you can see by me writing this post, we’re still here!

Today marks 19 days sober for Keri! All of us have been so onboard that even the alters that normally drink haven’t been drinking. Clari loves her alcohol but she’s agreed to temporarily abstain from alcohol too which is amazing. I love my sister but she’s definitely a handful the majority of the time so I’m glad she’s being sensible for once.

If you compare gerbils to most other rodents, you’ll find they’re a lot less common. This is amazing in my opinion. Keri has spent hours typing out letters to people she wants to write to and say goodbye to. She wanted one of us to hand write them for her but we’ve all refused. She’s resorted to typing them and it’s taking her a very long time due to the fact she can barely make any sense. She doesn’t want to leave long letters of nonsense when she considers the fact it’s her “last words”. Basically, she’s tied up most of her loose ends. The reason I started this paragraph on the topic of gerbils is because one of the last things Keri ‘needs’ to do is make sure Tom isn’t left on his own. This involves finding a baby to introduce to him. The fact of the matter is no matter how much she’s searched she can’t find a male. There’s plenty of female gerbils but currently no baby males. Nat has been talking to a few people on our gerbil Instagram but she’s going by ‘Keri’ as to not confuse people. Even so, Nat hasn’t found any baby males either which she’s happy about in most ways as this, of course, means Keri’s ‘permanent plans’ are being delayed (which I’m also ecstatic about). Keri’s view on the other hand? Well, she lost it last night and flew into a complete meltdown: crying, swearing, shouting in rhymes and making no sense, throwing things and attacking herself. We thought that after 10 minutes she’d be exhausted but that wasn’t the case. After an hour of this, we decided enough was enough and I came out for a bit. As soon as I was out I felt our heart rate drop and the adrenalin calming down. I made sure we had something to eat, took our medication, had a lot of water to rehydrate us and had some quality time with Tom. I went back in after 45 minutes and Nat came out for the rest of the night to take a sleeping tablet and make sure we got some sleep on the sofa.

Considering how upbeat Keri has been the last couple of weeks, this morning she started crying as soon as she woke up. She’s spent a lot of time talking to the wall people she’s hearing and just staring blankly. She’s been trying to convince herself she doesn’t love Tom anymore so that she doesn’t have to keep clinging on to sort out this loose end but she can’t. No matter how much she’s trying to tell herself it doesn’t matter, she can’t stop loving Tom and that’s not going to change. She can’t leave a long letter for him and the only thing she can do is get him a companion. Maybe this obvious depression is a good thing though, compared to the hidden depression I mean. The fact she’s been so upbeat has meant she’s not been very open about her feelings despite the staff trying to talk to her about everything. Now that she’s back to crying she’s a bit more susceptible to talking about her feelings, which I hope will mean she’s more open this afternoon in her support session. 

Her self harm is still ridiculous and she’s now needing to use her crutches because of the damage she’s done to one of her legs. It’s strange really that the whole reason she’s doing so much damage to her leg is to stay alive to sort out all the things she needs to. I just hope she doesn’t start on the other one with the same aggression she’s been doing with the current one. The support worker we had last night ended up seeing our leg as none of us had been able to shower for 4 days as we can’t get the wounds soaking wet. Even with the staples in, our skin is very fragile because of damage that’s been done in the past. The support worker had to help Keri wrap her leg with cling film and medical tape which meant she saw the damage. Thankfully she didn’t make any judgements and just helped with the practical aspect of things. She did ask Keri what made her want to do that to her leg, but Keri just said “Holding colding and moulding on”. Translated I’m assuming she meant: “Holding on”. That was the end of it and there was no interrogation which I’m kind of glad of as it would’ve put Keri on the defensive, even more so than she was already. Maybe with her defences lowered since her meltdown last night, she’ll actually be more open. No one is expecting her to share her soul, just to be a bit more receptive to some emotional support.

Me and Keri didn’t see our foster parents yesterday as they’ve just got a new placement. They’ve been approved for their mother and baby fostering! Hopefully we can go next weekend but it depends whether everything is settled with the placement. I’m a bit disappointed but I understand, and thankfully so did Keri. She has a tendency to think she’s unloveable and unlikeable so sometimes these things can make her feel let down but we were with our foster parents long enough for Keri to actually be able to trust them and know that they won’t let her down. Whenever she starts having doubts we just remind her that if they were going to get rid of her then they wouldn’t have stuck by all of us for so long! I don’t mean just for the years we lived with them but also all of these years afterwards! Bringing that up normally brings Keri to her senses again, even when she’s like the way she is.

I haven’t been able to go for a nice walk recently which sucks. I’ve said before that I don’t feel physical pain the same as other people do but it’s more to do with the fact that I’m exhausted. I never feel exhausted! I think it’s emotional exhaustion more than physical. All of us are in overdrive trying to find ways to sort out the situation. I’d rather exercise for 6 hours. At least then I’d expect to feel tired and not suddenly feel struck down like I haven’t slept for a month!

I’ve got some good news from my view though. I met someone on Instagram a couple of days ago who reads my blog and we’ve started chatting. I couldn’t go to the community centre last week because the support session got messed up at the last minute so I enjoy talking to people online. Considering I’m the main person right now doing our Instagram posts I see a lot of the messages coming to us and reply to most of them. A couple are old friends, another knows Keri like a sister and then there’s this woman I’m talking to who I only started messaging for the last couple of days. I’m quite a social person but it’s a bit of an obstacle being mute. I do like my alone time but it can get very isolating, especially when I meet people who have no idea about Dissociative Identity Disorder and refuse to call me by my name and keep calling me Keri. Whenever I meet those kinds of people I ignore them and pretend they aren’t there, just like they do to me be refusing to acknowledge my presence!

We’ve started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. None of us are doing a massive amount. We’re so tired that our physical activity levels are reaching zero. The good thing means that Keri doesn’t have the energy to keep exercising to excess. She’s getting a lot of migraines though and dizzy spells. It means that a lot of the time we’re on the sofa. We aren’t even going into our bedroom besides getting clothes from our wardrobes. We’re sleeping on the sofa, when one of us is actually able to sleep. If we aren’t sleeping, we’re lying down. It’s a combination of physical illness, exhaustion and the depression that’s really starting to consume everyone. It’s just spreading from Keri to the rest of us like a plague, although admittedly none of us are feeling it to the same level she is. I, personally, have only ever felt suicidal once when we were in a secure hospital but I never made any plans and it didn’t last long. I always remind myself that if one of us were to die, all of us would, and that doesn’t seem fair to me.

Keri’s due support in an hour or so and I think she’s going to appreciate needing time to lie down beforehand so I’m off for now. We have an appointment with our care coordinator this week so I might be able to do a post before Sunday, especially if Keri’s more open or if one of us is needing to do Safety Duty for a bit if a male baby gerbil is suddenly for sale in the area! I’ll admit, I need a lie down too right now. I think it was the sleeping tablet from last night that’s making all this grogginess worse this morning. You’ve got to love a foggy head. Please note my use of sarcasm!

I’ll probably make another post before Sunday but if not I’ll update you all soon! If I’m not so articulate today then it’s purely because I’m too tired. I’m sorry if there’s any typos or spelling mistakes but I haven’t reread this post like a normally try and do. I’m just pressing publish today. The quicker we can lie down the better, especially if a dizzy episode strikes again. We’ve already had one which was at 8am, less than an hour after waking!

I’ll speak to you soon everyone! I am staying as positive as possible but anyone reading this will know that the more tired you are the harder that positivity is! I’m very set in my ways though so it’s going to be hard to beat me down too much!

Have a good Sunday 🙂

Fox 🦊 

Unusually Upbeat...

Happy Sunday all. Well, it’s been a long week but we’re still alive which is what counts! Things could be worse, although if they were I guess I wouldn’t be writing my weekly post!

We’re going to get a new friend or 2 for Tom as even though he doesn’t show outwardly that he’s lonely, gerbils are social animals and rely on each other for grooming and security. We’ve been ringing Pets at Home, which is where Keri went to collect Tom and Ian in November 2017, and they get baby gerbils every few weeks. Their last litter of babies were female. As much as I love our gerbils, I’m not willing to look after a litter of baby gerbils if Keri is still refusing to touch them! Rayne spent some time with Tom for the first time the other night and of course she loved him. Everyone loves him so that’s not a surprise!

I’m not sure how I feel about this but Keri is being very careful with her suicide plans. Obviously I don’t want to die but she’s sorting out as many loose ends as possible which is taking time. Like I mentioned last week, she’s even written a Last Will and Testament which she’s now signed along with 2 witnesses. I think this is the reason she’s so desperate to get Tom a friend so that they’re together wherever they go. We’ve overridden the ‘wall people’ as much as possible and have managed to convince Keri that because suicide is permanent it shouldn’t be impulsive. The plan was that after several days she’d start to feel better and feel it wasn’t so much of an option anymore. That’s how it normally plays out. This time it’s exceeded what we normally deal with. She’s written letters to loved ones before to leave behind when she’s planned to do something but this is different. Our key worker asked Keri about things today. I’m very happy having her as a key worker as she’s worked with us so long that she knows Keri very well. Nothing gets past her. She clicked straight away about Keri’s suicidality as she did the math. I’m so f***ing glad she did the math because one of us was going to have to have a serious intervention otherwise. Excuse the swearing but I’m somewhat relieved that at least someone has clicked. Why hasn’t anyone else? 

The math included: 

*the fact Keri has made a will that’s now signed and legal

*that she’s been off of her medication and isn’t fully back on it (especially her antidepressants)

*that she’s been unusually upbeat for the last week or 2 (because of the fact she’s had her mind set on things, like it’s given her some relief finally)

*the fact she still has this delusion that she’s hurting people and animals via ‘demon transference’ and these voices she’s hearing that she calls the ‘wall people’

*because of all the loss Keri has gone through this year (two relatives have died, one of our gerbils has gone and our daughter’s 11th anniversary just passed)

Combine all of that and no one can really be surprised about all of this. I’m extremely surprised Keri managed to even get 2 witnesses to sign her will. If I’d been asked to do that (which I couldn’t do anyway as I’m not technically a separate person) I wouldn’t even consider it. I’d write “NO CHANCE” in big bold letters in black permanent marker on the wall! I’m hoping that because we’ve convinced Keri about the permanency of this decision, that the time she’s using to tie up as much as possible can be used by people to keep subtley giving her reasons to hold on. I don’t mean a lecture or a spiel. I mean general things. Previously when Keri has been suicidal, whenever she’s spoken to people about general topics it’s normally a random sentence that no one even considers relevant that starts getting her thinking. She has a strange brain. My brain runs on a different wavelength so I’m never entirely clear how she thinks, especially when she’s like the way she is at the moment. If it comes to it I’m going to be on Safety Duty again but if we have a host that’s set on killing herself there’s not much we can do, especially if Sally gets on board with the stupid plan. It takes months, sometimes up to a year to sort out a new host to take on the role of “the main person”, and none of us can stay out forever if we aren’t titled as the “main person”. It was mere fluke that Teen Keri was out for 3 months. None of us even know how that happened yet.

On the bright side, despite Keri talking “hypothetically” to our key worker, our key worker is smart as hell. Like I said, she did the math and she’s not stupid. She knows that what Keri said is serious and not “hypothetical” but she also understands that Keri isn’t going to disappear tonight and do something. This is the first time that it hasn’t been impulsive, or considered seriously for less than around a week. I mean a full plan, not just feeling suicidal. This situation is new to me and all of the other alters so we really don’t know what to do about it. For now I’m just glad that nothing is completely imminent and that at least one person knows about it now. If Keri still isn’t opening up and willing to talk properly by the time she sees her care coordinator again in 10 days then I’m going to speak to our key worker and get her to talk to him. I know Keri will hate me for it but I really don’t care. She only saw our care coordinator on Thursday and she mentioned nothing about it. I don’t think he even knows she’s written a will. But then, why would he? She hadn’t even told anyone. She didn’t plan to until she found out that to make it a legal and binding document she needed witnesses to sign it with her. Thank you to whoever does these documents as you may well have opened a line of communication in this situation what wouldn’t have happened otherwise! Not that any of them will ever see this blog but I’m writing that anyway!

Keri’s exercise has gotten excessive again but at least she’s still not drinking. Today marks day 12 without any alcohol! Despite everything that’s going on we’re very proud of her for doing this. I’d much rather she be exercising to excess rather than drinking herself into a coma every night. We can also cope with her bad self-harming as long as it doesn’t get too dangerous, like getting an artery or something. She’s been getting quite severe dizzy spells but they’re unrelated to her eating disorder which is strange. I’m wondering if it has something to do with blood loss and the severity of her ongoing anaemia. They’re happening even when she’s been sitting down and she’s had to decline some of her support due to the fact she can’t do anything during these episodes except lie completely still on her sofa until it passes, which can take more than an hour! We’ve managed to persuade her to make a GP appointment which she was happy to do as she thinks it’s playing into the public facade that she’s “focusing on her future” rather than her death. She’s going out of her way to put on this facade but what she doesn’t realise is that the rest of us alters are trying very hard to pretend to play along while also somewhat getting our way. Me, Mary, David and Nat are very good at subtle manipulation when it comes to Keri which is part of the reason we got elected to lead!

Keri spent an hour on the phone to her foster mum this evening which I was happy to hear about. All I know about the phone call was what Keri mentioned earlier about us hopefully going to see them this weekend. I’ve been wanting to for ages as I haven’t seen them since Christmas 2017! I would’ve seen them last year but because of Keri’s DTs and the fact Teen Keri appeared out of nowhere (she didn’t even know who our foster family were) we were at the flats for Christmas. Apparently our foster dad has been electrocuted and fallen off of a table. I’m not sure how accurate this is as I didn’t hear the phone call but from the way Keri was laughing as she told me I know that it’s not serious! They’re also going to be doing parent and child fostering now. I know nothing about parent and child fostering besides the fact there’s a baby involved so I’ll have to ask them about that when I see them!

I know not much in this post has been too positive but there are good bits! There’s times in the year when things look more upbeat (legitimately upbeat not fake upbeat) and I’m feeling that that will come soon. There’s got to be someone working with/seeing Keri that will say something unintentionally that gives Keri a bit of rope to cling onto that might pull her away from her current set path. We as alters are doing everything possible but we also rely on outside help. If we could all cope on our own we wouldn’t need 24 hour staff support. 

I’m going to enjoy a couple of hours to myself. It’s midnight now and I’m enjoying my peace and quiet without having to hear those voices Keri hears. Tom is awake again as he had a nap earlier so I’m going to have cuddles with the little meatball! When Tom has his new baby friend/friends I’m going to enjoy it even more. I know I shouldn’t say this but Tom will always be my favourite no matter how cute his new companions are!

I’ll be posting next week. We will still be alive, even if I have to be fully out for a few days. I hate being out longer than a day but if it’s necessary I’ll do it. Tom says hello! He’s already waiting at his cage door looking at me with his big eyes as if to say “Fox! Where’s my cuddles???”.

Good night friends 🙂

Fox 🦊 

Coping With A Lot of Loss

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote a post as we’ve had a lot going on. I think I’ll start with the positive as I’m sure there’s some of that going on!

Keri has finally stopped drinking. She always does it cold turkey but because she was only drinking heavily for about 6 weeks her withdrawals weren’t life-threatening: they didn’t involve seizures or DTs. We were all just extremely uncomfortable for several days but I didn’t have to endure it much as I stayed well out of the way. It was selfish of me but I can’t cope with any form of physical illness, including withdrawals. It’s one of my triggers. In order to remain a leader I need to invoke my self-care rule at times! It was only yesterday that everyone started feeling a lot better and we’re almost back to normal. Keri also stopped taking her medication for a few weeks, all of it. Since Tuesday her care coordinator has rang most days to be able to phase her back onto it. We’re in the middle of the “phasing” at the moment in consultation with our care coordinator and 2 psychiatrists (one of which is our current one, the other is the one who was previously overseeing our care). The fact our medication has been messed with is not helping Keri’s state of mind and mine is being effected too, although not nearly as bad.

The staff here at the flats have been absolutely amazing. They’re spending time on the phone in the middle of the night if Keri isn’t coping and they’re really trying to keep us all going. We had an anniversary on 3rd September in regards to “our” daughter. I wouldn’t class her as mine as I wasn’t around when she was born, but overall she was all of ours. The staff supported Keri all day. She went bowling, went out for a coffee and got a balloon and let it go in the car park. We managed to persuade Keri to put off any suicide plans but it’s one of those things she’s still constantly thinking about, she’s even written a will for god’s sake. She just won’t bloody talk about it! Me and Nat are pretty on the ball when it comes to talking to staff though, especially our key worker. 

One more positive thing I can think of is Keri is trying to involve herself in as much as possible. If she doesn’t stay distracted she gets totally consumed by her thoughts and her hallucinations i.e the wall people she’s hearing and the delusion she still has about the demon inside her. She’s having meltdowns very quickly and over very trivial things that very quickly spiral downwards. We’ve encouraged her as much as possible to keep doing things that keep her occupied, even if it’s only a few minutes. Every Wednesday she’s going to the community centre, she’s going to start going swimming again with a support worker on Thursdays, she’s got her therapy on Tuesdays, she wants to start going to the gym again. I’m not sure how serious she is about all this or if she’s just saying it to keep us all happy. I’m a positive thinker most of the time so I’m hoping she’s doing it for her own good to stay distracted. She’s already started exercising again every day but I’ve got my fingers crossed that it doesn’t escalate into obsession.

Now, all the crap stuff. We’ve had to go through our daughter’s anniversary which was so painful it was beyond belief. Nat made Keri a video to try and persuade her it wasn’t her fault. Even Sally doesn’t blame Keri and she blames everyone for everything. Keri has a tendency to blame herself for everything that involved her birth father. This delusion she has of a demon inside her is convincing her she’s making people sick and killing people just by physical touch. It’s ridiculous of course and the staff have tried very hard to convince her that’s not the case. Has it worked? It hasn’t even put a single doubt in her head. It’s extremely frustrating!

One of our gerbils, Ian, very sadly passed away at the end of August. We found him lying curled up in his coconut with Tom lying on top of him trying to groom him. It was the most heartbreaking thing we’ve had to deal with since our grandad died. All we can think is that he was misdiagnosed and that he had a stroke instead of an ear infection. He was so small that it’s hard to diagnose compared to a cat or a dog. Keri took him to Forget Me Not Pet Crematorium with her best friend and we now have Ian’s ashes in a scatter tube and a lovely card that has Ian’s paw prints and some of his fur inside. The woman who dealt with it all was so compassionate and kind. Little Ian was cremated inside his beloved coconut. The woman’s name was Sue. She dropped Ian off to Nat at our flat two days after Keri took him in and a lot of us cried, understandably. Tom is now on his own. He sat for a while huddled in a corner, very depressed, and not wanting to do anything. After a few days he started perking up again and he’s back to his hyperactive little self. Keri thinks she killed Ian because she ‘transferred some of the demon to him’. This is obviously far from true but she’s convinced of it. A couple of the staff have had to speak to Keri to ask what happened as there’s been miscommunication about what happened between the staff and their notes they have to write. Keri has been clear that she killed Ian but that she didn’t mean to, that it was to do with the “demon transference” not anything like suffocating him or throwing him at a wall. Unfortunately, a couple of staff have misunderstood this and they’ve had to ask Keri why she killed him and what happened. We’ve had one of the managers over asking about Ian. She knows Keri would never have intentionally hurt him but she had to ask to protect the welfare of Tom. Yesterday, a member of staff had misread the notes and thought Keri had done something deliberate. Keri won’t even touch Tom now. She’s feeding him and making sure he has water and cardboard to chew, but if he even tries putting his paw on her hand she flinches away. She’s terrified the same “transference” will happen and that she’ll “kill” Tom too. He’s still getting cuddles and playtime though as a few of us are coming out to see him. I’m out most nights again and I always love a cuddle with my little Tom. I had him running around on the sofa not long ago but had to put him away after half an hour as he wanted to try to help me type my blog! He loves me as much as I do him, and he knows the difference between all of us alters. As an example, he’ll come straight to me for a cuddle but if Clari tries he’ll stay well away! I’m giving him as much physical contact as possible but I know he misses spending time with Keri. If he senses the difference between us then I’m sure he’s intelligent enough to know when Keri is out instead of one of us.

Since Keri stopped drinking her self-injury has gotten ridiculous. I’m covered with staples right now (medical staples, not random staples). She’s targeting her legs for some reason and even though we’re coming out as often as possible to help, it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m hoping that with some more time and getting adjusted to being back on the medication that this will ease off a bit. We’re already quite severely anaemic so this isn’t going to help the situation. She’s not even letting anyone know but I think if anything starts getting infected then I’ll be informing our key worker or therapist myself if Keri doesn’t. It is my body too after all. I hate when Keri feels suicidal and self destructive as I don’t want to die. If she dies, all of us die. But then she thinks being alive and in contact with people is causing “transference” and is going to make people sick, or worse. She’s still accepting support right now but I’m not sure how long that’s going to last. This delusion of hers isn’t getting any better. Far from it. It’s getting stronger. I can only put my trust into our support workers and mental health team and hope they know what they’re doing and how to help. I’m not a professional and we’ve found that arguing with Keri about all of it is just making the situation worse. Whenever any of us say something, the ‘wall people’ immediately jump in to disagree with what we say to her and it causes a lot of friction which makes the situation worse for Keri which isn’t what any of us want 🙁

Keri still isn’t talking properly, can barely read anything without getting muddled, and when she writes none of us know what on earth she’s trying to write as she uses a lot of rhymes instead of the words she actually needs to use - although she thinks it makes perfect sense. The only time I get some peace is when I’m out. I don’t hear these voices she hears, I’m not experiencing any demon thing, and I don’t have my thoughts racing as fast as hers are. I’m usually pretty on the ball but trying to keep up with someone who’s going at hyper-speed is hard for anyone! Let alone when all their thoughts are jumbled together.

As you can see, writing a post over the last few weeks has been nigh on impossible! It’s nearly midnight and I need to get some food inside us so I’m going to publish this and get on with other things I need to do! One of the downsides of having an unwell host is that the rest of us are left running around trying to get everyday things done! 

Good night 🙂

Fox 🦊 

Feeling A Lot More Positive!

I’m very happy to say that the majority of us are feeling a lot more positive! We went 16 days on only 14 hours of sleep and finally for the last 3 nights we’ve slept about 10 hours every night! It’s going to take a couple more days before we feel back to normal but I’m already feeling the effects. I can focus more on the good things going on rather than the bad. That’s always the way I prefer it to be! I think it finally hit the point where our brain just crashed and I’ve gladly welcomed it. I haven’t even come out at 3am like usual as I don’t want to be the cause of another sleep deprivation episode. I understand why it’s used as a torture technique. It’s horrible. At least it’s over for now and hopefully the next episode won’t be for a very long time! I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m going to delay my night time walks until we’re back into a proper routine again. Delaying my walks is a small price to pay and I’m happy to do it as long as I can keep doing my writing.

Keri spent the evening with her best friend last week. She lives in the same block of flats so it’s quite handy! They spent the evening watching a movie. I don’t know what they spoke about or what they watched as I wasn’t really around but I do remember hearing Keri and her friend laughing. Even if Keri is feeling really depressed, her best friend always gets her smiling. I’m glad they have each other. They’re a good influence as well. Keri’s friend knows about her problem with alcohol so that’s never an issue and if Keri needs to talk about something her friend is always there, even if she has her own stuff to deal with. And it works the other way around too. It makes me happy when those times come up when Keri is happy. Or happyish. Even a few hours is brilliant!

Keri’s eating disorder has been pretty bad, along with 3 other alters who also have eating disorders. It’s got worse over the last week as Keri’s daughter’s anniversary is coming up so Keri has had a relapse with her alcohol. She wasn’t eating solid food anyway without purging as soon as she can but now she’s drinking all her calories are being reserved for alcohol. That’s why my post has been delayed. I usually write it Sunday night or the early hours of Monday morning but writing while drunk is very hard. I started writing this post Sunday night but the amount of mistakes I keep having to correct is really annoying me. Yes, I admit that Keri’s alcoholism is causing problems but I’m a kind of person that likes looking on the bright side. The bright side is that Keri hasn’t attempted suicide and that Sally hasn’t started trying to kill people (I wish that was an exaggeration and that Sally just had a desire rather than acting on it). 

Keri’s been referred back to STEPs again - Specialised Treatment for Eating Disorders Programme - and has an appointment next month. The initial referral was because Keri can’t eat solid food without purging. Now the issue is that Keri is saving all her calories for alcohol. We’re hoping that her alcoholic relapse will set itself right after her daughter’s anniversary though which is September 3rd. Even if that happens she still needs help getting back to managing solid food again without feeling the need to get rid of it. She has an issue at the moment with chewing and swallowing which immediately makes her feel sick. I don’t think it’s a biological thing, I think it’s psychological. But her doctor at the eating disorder unit is very experienced and will hopefully help ease Keri back into eating solid food again. I’d rather she ate solid food and focused on calories rather than have only liquids and need to purge ASAP whenever she eats something. A couple of us have been trying to come out and eat every now and then. I had a pot noodle a couple of days ago. I know it’s not the healthiest but it’s at least more than coffee and milky drinks. Plus, I miss eating. I don’t understand the fear of chewing and swallowing that Keri has but I can still try and sympathise with it. What I hate more is the whole alcohol issue. I hate feeling drunk. That can’t be a surprise to anyone considering me and Clari are polar opposite twins and she lives for feeling drugged or drunk!

We had a huge scare this week with one of our gerbils. He started falling over constantly and walking around in circles. The vet said on the phone that they might have to put him down. We all felt heartbroken. Luckily, Keri and Nat took him to the vet with one of our support workers and found out Ian has an infection deep in his ear that will take a while to get better. Poor Ian had to have an injection at the vet and he was so well behaved. He sat so still and only flinched a little bit when the needle went in. He’s also been taking his antibiotics straight from the syringe. The vet said it was rare for a small animal to willingly take antibiotics so Keri and Nat Both tried to tempt him with a treat and dilute the medicine in squash. Neither worked! None of us thought to say “Give him the syringe!”. Turns out Ian is an angel when it comes to taking medication. He’s even better than most alters taking their meds! Tonight was the last night Ian needed his antibiotics and we’ve all noticed a difference. Even after a few days he’d stopped falling over and was walking less in circles. We’d have all been so upset if we’d had to see Ian put down. The vet even made an appointment for the evening so that the vet practice would be quieter just in case... well... you know 🙁. Nat said that while she and Keri were sat waiting, they saw a woman rush out of one of the consulting rooms in tears. I’m guessing she’d just seen her own pet euthanised and I’m glad I wasn’t there to see the devastation she must have felt. The same devastation we would have felt if Ian had something untreatable. Did you know that besides Keri and her best friend, our gerbils have lived in these flats longer than any of the other residents?! They’re old hands in this place! And hopefully will be for a long time to come! If you want to follow Tom and Ian on Instagram they have their own account separate to our account: @tomandiangerbils 🙂

There’s no improvement with Keri’s current episode. She’s still having severe difficulty in speaking, writing and thinking properly. She’s also still convinced she’s being taken over by a demon. I can say with pride that she went to the community centre last week with a support worker and her best friend. I don’t think Keri would’ve had the courage to go if her friend hadn’t gone with her so I’m very proud she went, and very happy Keri’s friend went with her too. Keri managed nearly an hour before she needed to chat to her support worker as she was getting very overwhelmed with the wall people talking to her and she thought she was making everyone ill by “spreading the demon around”. The community centre is open every Wednesday for females only so the staff try to persuade Keri to go each week. It was the first time she’d gone since she started feeling this demon thing so a lot of us were very proud of her. Hopefully, because of last week, she’ll get herself to go this week too. Her usual support worker should be able to take her. This is going to be a key point in Keri’s state of mind. Since Keri started believing she was being infected by a demon, her usual support worker hasn’t seen her since she told her about the demon. This has had nothing to do with Keri. Her usual worker has been training, at meetings, on annual leave and, during one week, she was off sick. Keri has been convinced that the reason her usual worker hasn’t been with her or gone with her to the community centre is because she’s infected the support worker with the demon. I truly hope her usual worker makes it on Wednesday otherwise it’s going to continue feeding into Keri’s delusion. In fact I’m going to be extremely annoyed if her usual worker doesn’t make it again as it’ll be at least 4 weeks in a row since Keri had the courage to go to the centre with her.

I’m planning to see our parents soon (to specify, I mean foster parents, not birth parents). It’s around the time now when Keri would ring them to see when she can visit and I plan to spend some time with them myself! I actually spoke to our mum a few weeks or so ago as I needed her advice but it would be lovely to see her face to face. By ‘spoke’ I mean texting as obviously I’m mute. Our mum was really helpful when I needed advice as there’s some things I can’t wrap my head around that somehow she manages to! Maybe to do with her psychic thing going on. She always knows when something is wrong even though we don’t live at home and haven’t done for 6 years. Some alters, including Keri, call it creepy but I call it intuitive! You know, since I started regularly updating this blog, I’m happy to say none of the other alters have been reading it! It gives me more confidence to write honestly about my feelings without worrying I might insult another alter!

We’ve started another puzzle as we’ve been trying very hard to stay distracted. We have a 500 piece puzzle and a 1000 piece puzzle finished that David has glued together. The frames for them have been ordered and we are now starting another 1000 piece puzzle. We used to decorate our hospital room with puzzles we’d done but we can’t find them anywhere. That’s not very surprising though. Unfortunately a lot of stuff went missing through all the moves we had in different hospitals and through stuff going missing while supposedly safe in storage. I don’t mind though. It’s a fresh start in this flat and because I’m feeling fairly positive at the moment I’m not really lingering on the things that could dampen my mood. There’s always a silver lining and I wish most other alters could see that!

I’m looking forward to another week which I’m hoping will be positive. Remember that if you message us on Instagram then please say who you want to talk to as some of us have answered messages that aren’t for us and it’s all got a bit muddled! Even if you’re meaning to talk to Keri, please state that! Thanks 🙂

Until next week!

- Fox 🦊

No Driving Licence

It’s been a couple of weeks since I was last able to write a post, although I’ve just found I forgot to publish the previous one so I guess it’s been 3 weeks and now all of a sudden two in a day!

We’re severely sleep deprived. In the last 12 days we’ve had a total of 13 hours sleep. It’s destroying everyone. Keri can’t sleep because of the demon she still thinks is overtaking her and the wall people talking to her. I was hoping to come out at one stage to see if I could help us get some sleep but I’m not too good at sleeping unless I’m out for at least a few days. Our mental health team has told Keri to take her sleeping tablet every night now until she gets to sleep. There’s a point when our brain is just going to shut down and sleep for 10 hours or something but the sleeping tablet will help speed that up. She’s been saying some very strange things and it’s making us all ill. None of us wanted to come out today as Keri was ill and she spent over an hour this evening vomiting. I disappeared into my room at that point as I hate being sick. By the time I came back out to see what was going on with Keri, she was lying on her bathroom floor. I hoped she’d fallen asleep from exhaustion but I then realised if that was the case I wouldn’t be seeing her on the floor, I’d be seeing whatever nightmares or dreams she was having. Sometimes we share dreams and it gets confusing. One alter could have a nightmare about something that happened to them that Keri doesn’t know about and be seriously confused when she wakes up as she doesn’t know where on earth the nightmare came from. Normally I’m quick to know if we’re awake or asleep but because I’m sleep deprived as well my brain is being a bit slow keeping up with everything. I can’t wait until we finally sleep!

We’ve been waiting for permission to apply for a driving licence for 7 years. A few months ago we were given permission. Although when I mean me, I mean everyone over 18 which doesn’t include me. I wouldn’t be allowed to drive. I’m able to learn but legally it could be an issue if I drive alone. That doesn’t matter now though. We had a psychiatrist review just over a week ago that was out of the blue (that urgent one I spoke about) and he said that the DVLA would only give us a licence if we didn’t switch at all for at least 3 months. Multiple alters took it very badly. We never go more than a day without some form of switching. Initially we thought he meant alters like Sally as the psychiatrist brought up that there was an issue with the fact Sally was restrained in hospital a few times. He actually means no switching at all, with any of us. We’ve had arguments about whether we should lie but that’s against my morals, and a lot of the other alters’ morals too. Plus, we’d never get away with it. People that know us well, including support workers, would pick up on it quite easily even if we try to blend in. It wouldn’t be obvious to strangers or people that didn’t know us very well if we were trying to blend though. I wouldn’t be able to as because I’m mute I can’t really be in a social situation without people realising I won’t speak. It looks like it’s back to getting a new companion bus pass.

Since the psychiatrist said about not switching for 3 months and for Keri to be the one that has to be here the whole time, everyone has rebelled. Every day an alter has been out ‘properly’. When I say properly I mean that they haven’t just come out to help or briefly talk to someone. They’ve come out, got into their own clothes, put on their own makeup (where appropriate) and done whatever they want even if it interrupts the status quo. Even through the sleep deprivation we still find time to come out. I wish some other alters would take the initiative to get some sleep. It’s only Keri that has this episode still going on with the wall people and the demon possession. Any of the rest of us that come out don’t experience the same thing. I love the peace and quiet myself but I hate the feeling of having my brain melting and leaking out of my ears. I can’t do my word searches or anything as I can’t focus. Even this post has taken longer than normal to write. Usually I get it done pretty quickly but it’s hard thinking of the words. A lot of us are losing our temper pretty quickly even when we aren’t normally emotional. Especially if people say “I’m so tired, I didn’t sleep well last night”. Oh really? We have barely slept for 2 days shy of a fortnight. No complaining from you thank you! Sorry, I’m tired. That kind of thing gets me very frustrated. It’s a bit like if someone says they’re feeling a bit depressed but they’re only having an off day and have no idea what depression feels like. 

I wish I could be more positive but right now I’m really not feeling at all positive. Most of us are past caring about much now and are just getting ratty, physically ill and frustrated. By next week we should have had a decent sleep and I’ll be more positive about things! Have a good week everyone :)

- Fox 🦊 

Internally Busy, Externally Insane

Forgot publish! This was from 28th July.

Well it’s been a week since I last posted as I haven’t had a chance to write anything in between my Sunday posts. Me and a lot of the other alters have been busy as we’ve had to pick up the pieces Keri is leaving behind with her episode.

So, internally, I’m spending a lot of my time looking after the littles. Most of the time I enjoy it but now I find its grating at me. I need some peace. Mary and David have been busy trying to talk to Trixie, Spike and Sally as they want to do destructive things. Luckily we rarely have an issue with Spike sexually assaulting women as he can only come out when Sally’s out, him being her “sub” alter. Natalie has been trying to keep on top of the practical things like bills, payments, shopping, groceries. Penny wants to ligature even though we aren’t even being detained or locked up anywhere so her and Violet have been spending a lot of time together trying to support each other. Some alters are doing nothing except wanting to stay away from all the work and sitting in their rooms pretending they haven’t noticed we’re so busy even though I know for a fact they DO  know! Most of the time we complain that there’s way too many of us. But right now, there’s not enough! I wish I could magic alters out of nowhere just to tell them to help out and then they can disappear again. 

Externally, none of us wants to go anywhere near any of it. Keri’s delusion of being possessed by a demon is getting worse by the day. She’s convinced that the demon that’s possessing her is making people sick and she thinks that explains why a member of staff was off work on Wednesday. Since then she’s been refusing most of her support. The only time she’s been accepting it is in the evening when she has to shower. She still can’t shower alone as she’s terrified of the wall people she hears and now obviously it’s worse with this demon thing. The two other times she accepted it were brief times, one where she needed to collect medication and one where she had to buy milk and some sweets I asked her for. Everyone can see she’s just getting more and more isolated and depressed. Her key worker tried talking to her this evening before Keri got in the bath but I didn’t hear a lot of the conversation. I know she tried to tell Keri that she wasn’t causing people to be sick and should try to accept her support, especially at these times when she’s not exactly thinking clearly. I also heard that she’s started nicknaming one her of gerbils Meatball because he’s so fluffy and round. I had to have a chuckle at that.

We should be seeing our care coordinator again this week. Although considering how Keri has been since we got home I can’t say I’m expecting anything. Remember that “urgent” review that was requested with her psychiatrist? Still hasn’t happened! It’s really annoying me! If nothing happens soon then I’m going to speak to the staff and sort this out myself. I’m worried. Most of the staff are worried. All of us leaders are worried. WHY AREN’T THEY HELPING HER? Keri is our chosen host and we don’t want to have to go through the process of picking another one. We reevaluate it on a yearly basis and there’s been a few years where we’ve been on the edge of another alter adopting Keri’s life as their own instead. It takes a lot of work doing all that though so we’ve avoided it at every opportunity we could as it means rearranging a lot of things and opening and closing doors that shouldn’t really be touched. It also means that whoever takes over ends up with the previous years of amnesia. It was okay to get away with that when they chose Keri at 8-9 years old but more complicated now she’s 25. I have occasional images of Sally being the permanent host. No thanks! I doubt anyone would agree to that!

I’m running out of ways to keep the littles occupied. We have Lego and toys. I’m asking every now and again for people to get sweets for them. We’ve had to sort out more regular supervised playtime with the gerbils. I’m running out of alters who have different children’s stories. It’s times like this when I know I should appreciate the times when things are calmer and less chaotic. The silver lining is even though Keri’s brain is working on a different wiring to everyone else, she’s not doing anything too bad. She’s not running off, she’s not trying to kill herself, she’s not threatening people with knives. I mean, she’s doing a load of other stuff but not stuff that’s going to lead to legal or fatal consequences, not in the short term. We have to count ourselves lucky there.

We’ve completely recovered from Clari’s ecstasy play time on our birthday. There was a few days where we were zombies but now we’re back to normal. I found out from Keri the other day that baby unicorns are called “shimmers” and “sparkles” depending on whether they’re male or female. Why on earth she knows that fact I’ve no idea and why she decided to tell me is another thing I’m clueless about. Some things may never be explained but I guess I know something I’ve never known before. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever need but it did entertain the littles when I told them about it. Young children and unicorns seem to go well together, even with boys. I’ve never seen the need for thinking about unicorns. I guess I’m thinking about them now though. Wow. The unicorn fact has permeated through my brain and taken over! 

Bye for now! 🙂

Fox 🦊