Inpatient Treatment (Forgot to press 'publish'!)

Dear my wonderful readers,

I apologise now for my lack of blogging. I've just realised that it's been a long time since I made a post. May!? I couldn't believe it when I logged on and found this had happened. I'm back to the blogging thing now, I've also reignited my Twitter account and created a Facebook page raising awareness for Dissociative Identity Disorder.

The reason I haven't been blogging is because I was quite busy. I'd started my volunteering and was engaging in therapy. In September my mental health started to deteriorate and by October I'd completely lost it. I was dissociating severely almost daily (Sally would come out, slice up my leg and I'd have to go to hospital to get stitches). In only a month I'd needed over 400 stitches. It got to the point where I could no longer stay in my foster placement. I was chronically anaemic, I was drained and tired, I was struggling to take my medication. Overall everything went to shit.

On 6th November I was admitted to hospital. The doctor 'officially' diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder, however my psychiatrist I see as an outpatient also thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder as there is a great deal of overlap, so somehow I'm now with two diagnoses.

On 3rd January I was back home with my foster carers, but over those 2 weeks I got very unwell very quickly. I didn't eat anything, I refused to take any form of medication, I was still dissociating severely which meant my foster carers were yo-yoing to and from hospital with me to get stitches. By the end of the 2 weeks I turned around and said I needed help. I was admitted to hospital again on 18th January and have been an inpatient since, just over 5 weeks now.

I can safely say now that I'm taking medication (way too much) and my dissociative episodes haven't been so bad. I've had a few major ones at the hospital but I'll go into that during another post. This post was mainly to update you all on why I haven't been blogging but now I'm getting back on track. 

For those of you with DID, or with a loved one who has DID, or even just to help people like me raise awareness for the diagnosis then please 'Like' the Facebook page I created and help make the diagnosis less controversial and allow more people to understand the complexity of the diagnosis.

https://www.facebook.com/DIDCampaign

Take care my fellow bloggers.

I will be updating AT LEAST once a week.

xoxo.

Long Awaited Update

Clearly I've been slacking when it's come to writing my blog and I apologise for that. I just don't really have much to say if I'm being brutally honest! So let's just do this in bullet points before I rant on eh?

• My CPN may be leaving soon, oh what fun that's going to be..
• My little brother is a demon.. quite literally, although I've only found out after 16 years. FML.
• My binge/purge behaviour is out of control..
• My medication isn't working, it sucks ass tbh.

Think that's about it.. I'm hoping to get a volunteer job as an Animal Encounter Assistant which should be good. At least it'll get me out of the house which is what I need ;D

I've been offline for a while but now my Facebook, Twitter, blog and Formspring are all back and in action. Yayayay. Tempted to start making YouTube videos but I have no idea what about.. I've done like.. one.. and that was for Self Injury Awareness Day and it was a pretty crap first video in my opinion but life goes on doesn't it. Yes. I'll answer my own question there as I'm obviously that cool.

That's about it of my life right now :3 Just to let you know I AM BACK. Glad you obviously didn't miss me too much ;)

xoxo.

Facebook

Don't get me wrong, Facebook is useful and it can relieve intense bursts of boredom. However, when it comes to my 'alter egos', some of them want Facebook too. Why? Maybe so that they can be known. They're ready for people to know about them. I don't think I am though. I already feel like a freak. I think I'm going to need to think about this. Who knows? Maybe it could actually work out. 

Who Am I?

I've found myself doing bizarre things that I would never do normally. For one thing, I've bleached my hair. I never fancied myself as a blonde. I always stuck with dark colours. I don't know what happened but I felt the overwhelming urge. Then, this morning, I found myself dressing in pink. Why? I have no idea. To me, 'pink' is regarded as an extreme swear word; worse than using the word 'c***'... 

PG made me start to wonder. He saw my bleached hair, the punk hairstyle, the bright pink jeans... he said "Have you got someone new who's popped up inside you?" I hadn't thought of this as an explanation for my actions. However, it got me thinking. This has happened before and soon after, another person inside me randomly popped up inside my consciousness. I hadn't known about them before then. What if that's happening? But then the question is... why now?

It's Dark

Only a quick blog note. It's been a week, I have hardly anything to say. Well, that's a lie. I have a lot to say, just no way or no words to be able to say it.

It's cold. It's dark. I can't see the sunshine. I can't even see a light. 

How would you feel if all you know had been torn away? Everything you believed that was right, was all wrong. It's difficult. It's hard. It's frustrating not being able to understand; who to trust, who to speak to, who to believe. Your whole life disappears and you're left in a corner, confused, disorientated, misunderstood, alone, isolated.

New Goals

I was meant to post yesterday but somehow I never got around to it. I think I was caught up too much in my own thoughts to do anything. I don't think I even came online, which for me is a weird thing to happen!

Finished week 4 of group. Only week 4? It feels like forever! In a good way. I think. It's really intense but in some ways it's helping. All of us patients are seeing each other 3 times a week and it's amazing. None of us has yet missed a session, even though we've had 12 sessions. I'm quite surprised at this. The only other group I've done was when I was under the care of CAMHS. I did DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) for a year and that involved a group session once a week. From each session to the next you never knew who was going to turn up, if anyone else was going to at all! It might be why this adult group is helping me, everyone's turning up, it's a stable and safe environment, and I get along really well with the other patients. Go me! :)

I've managed to set out my reward scale for losing weight. I've put on weight in the last few months and in the last couple of weeks I've vowed to get back down to 77lb. Or less. I'm not holding that as a deadline as last time I was that weight I wanted to be lower... but for now that is my goal. When I get back to that weight I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo as a reward. Obviously, I have rewards at certain points to keep me motivated to lose the weight but that's my ultimate reward. I think it's very motivating. I am desperate to get this tattoo! I've wanted one for months! But considering I've waited months, I can wait a little longer until I've lost the weight.

I'm not isolating myself so much at the moment. I mean, I'm not really communicating very much with the rest of my foster family but I'm at least spending some time downstairs; even if it's only sat at the dining room table with my laptop and headphones in my ears. The good thing about this house is that we have an open plan kitchen/dining room/lounge. So wherever I'm sitting downstairs there's normally someone else around, whether it be cooking in the kitchen or fast asleep on the sofa.

I got my guitar out. It's been stuffed in my wardrobe for several weeks but I got it out again. I even wrote a couple of songs which I think are pretty okay. I'm not the most fantastic singer or player in the world but I am pretty good. Although, I freeze up instantly if I think anyone's listening or within earshot. This is a bit of a bummer as it kinda limits my ability to play at full volume. I have to dumb down the tone a little which makes it more difficult to sing or play. When no one else is upstairs and I'm sat in my room though, full power to me ;)

Hope you're all well. I am still reading everyone's blogs, I'm just not commenting very much. Don't think that's because I don't care, I really do. I just have very limited time in regards to getting online. I may be downstairs instead of in my room but I'm not actually online that much, I can't be dealing with it. Especially Facebook! Oh. My. God. Don't get me started on that. Some people on there... in my opinion they need to be shot. I'll get onto that at some other time otherwise this post is going to be outrageously long!

Ciao for now, mi amigos. x

Isolated

Oh. My. God. I've been sucked away into my own world. I don't mean that in the figurative sense either. I mean it quite literally. I haven't told anyone though. I'm scared shitless of everything that is going on. Staying in my room is very isolating as I have no 'real' people to communicate with. That's not my fault though. I'm scared that Sally will come out. For those that don't know Sally is one of my 'others'. She's destructive and violent and full of raw anger. I'm scared that she'll hurt my foster parents, my foster family. I can't let that happen. If I stay in my room, the only body she can hurt is mine. The only things she can hurt are the inanimate objects scattered around my bedroom.

I can't tell anyone. I know I'm not crazy. It may sound like it, but if you lived with me, you'd know that isn't the case. I can think logically. I can make the right judgements. Except when I'm like this. To be honest, I prefer my own world sometimes. It's a nightmare, I do admit that. But I'd rather be living in a nightmare rather than allow Sally to hurt my family. If that happened, I'd never forgive myself. It wouldn't have been me that did it, but I'd blame myself and hold myself totally responsible. I'd move out. I wouldn't stay in here and keep my family in danger. It's not right. I'd rather suffer than allow that to happen.

I had an appointment with AC this morning, my care-coordinator and psychiatric nurse. I never said a word about any of this. She knows I've isolated myself to my room almost incessantly since Saturday morning, considering it's now Wednesday evening. I can't do it. I don't want to take my medication, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do ANYTHING. I can't do it. I feel like giving up. The thought that my family could be hurt is absolutely petrifying to me. I prefer sitting in my bedroom, hoping that it'll never happen. I've managed to last over a year without Sally meeting LG and PG directly (however, they do know about her and the others) but I don't know how much longer this can go on for.