I’m not doing a really long post tonight as I’ve been out all week and I’m too exhausted to do much. I haven’t managed to convince Shadow of anything. They won’t believe Keri is psychotic but they’re at least open to letting me take a chance. I spent most of this week not knowing how long I’d be here or even what the plan was. It’s been horrible. This day to day stuff is crap. The socialising is good as it means I’m not isolated but it’s tiring. The fact I’m nocturnal means my sleep is still out of whack and I’ve barely had any this week which means, guess what, I’m tired. I’ve had to keep track of what medication needs picking up, what needs ordering, what appointments need sorting, where I need to be or need to go, what I need to buy, what housework needs doing, along with all the stuff to keep us alive and finding things to take back to Shadow. How am I supposed to be doing this all on my own? I might put in a request to Shadow that maybe 2 of us can be out next time and we can switch between the 2 of us so that it’s at least a little bit easier to deal with. I don’t know if Shadow will even listen to my request but the worst that will happen is they say no so it’s worth a shot at least.
The plan is for me to go back tomorrow evening just before our evening support is due. Keri will then be and be our host again. Obviously we’ll be keeping an eye on her and see what’s going on. If she’s the same or, heaven forbid, worse, then one of us (or hopefully 2 if Shadow allows it) will take over again on Wednesday night so that we can go to the appointment to see our care coordinator on Thursday to talk about everything. Considering switching in Keri’s experience is like blinking, I can’t see a miracle happening and her suddenly being better, but like I’ve said to one of the support workers, I’d love to be proven wrong on this occasion and I really hope I am. I don’t know what the answer to all of this is, whether it’s medication or therapy, or both, or just sitting and waiting. I’ve said time and again that I’m no expert. All I can do is say what is going on and hope the professionals can put the pieces together. I haven’t personally met our current care coordinator so I don’t know what he’s like with jigsaws! And whoever our current psychiatrist is, he’s got to be a lot better than the last one. He was a complete a-hole who wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence. I don’t get angry very often but he actually caused me to storm out of the room! I think that was a first!
My episodes where I can’t move at all have gotten worse. The longest this week has been about 5 hours. They’ve happened almost daily and 2 of them have happened with seemingly no trigger. I’m worried about what happens if this occurs in public. Is the support worker supposed to stay there for however many hours until I come out of it? Or literally carry me back to my flat? This is another thing Shadow is using against me. They’re saying that apparently it’s a sign that things are getting worse for all of us and my episodes are just the way it’s coming out for me. Personally, I think Shadow is just clutching at straws. I like objectivity and stuff but I think there’s such a thing as being too objective. Because of the fact most of us alters have been psychotic in the past and been so upset that we haven’t been listened to, I think Shadow really compensates for it and takes everyone’s word at face value. I do appreciate this in some ways as Shadow listened to me when I’ve had a bad psychotic episode before and I got a lot of comfort from it, but I don’t appreciate it when it’s being used against us as a collective! I know that the depression isn’t good. That’s something I can’t deny as my usual optimism is dampened. I just don’t want to start getting creepy weird symptoms like I have before. I think limiting the number of psychotic alters down to a minimum and nipping it in the bud before it spreads is a pretty good idea huh? Otherwise Shadow will be even more convinced and the rest of us will be too! I don’t want to have the same mindset as Keri! No way! Screw. That!
Tom is sulking with me. He’s very perceptive. If I’m out for a prolonged period and I know when I’m due to go back in, he’ll suddenly get very sulky the day before. It’s a bit upsetting but I think it’s because he thinks I’m abandoning him. How on earth do I explain to a gerbil that I’m not abandoning him? I’ve actually managed to contact a gerbil breeder who lives only 10 mins away! He has baby male gerbils for sale and I’m planning on getting 2 little friends to introduce to Tom! The original plan was to get one but Tom is 2 years old. I’m still clearly in the state of mind where I’m thinking about the future. It’s going to be heartbreaking when the time comes when Tom passes away. Hopefully it won’t be for a very long time! But if for some unforeseen reason, it’s within the next several months, then we’d have to go through the whole introduction process all over again for the new baby gerbil which will be upsetting for us and for the baby gerbil. The likelihood that the gerbils will get along with Tom (and vice versa) is very high, but there’s always a small chance that the introductions won’t go well which is why we have a spare tank just in case of an emergency if they do fight. If that’s the case then we’d end up with 2 gerbils separated and on their own! At least with 2 new babies, the tanks can be side by side and Tom will still be happily on his own but with 2 companions at least living next to him. And the 2 new brothers will be able to live together in their new home together. Everything is prepared for any scenario! The most upsetting part is going to be the actual week of introductions as they have to be on their own with minimal toys and bedding so that their sole focus is on each other in the split cage so they can bond. They can’t have playtime and they can’t be handled as otherwise our human scent will get mixed with their gerbil scents and it’ll confuse them. I play and snuggle with Tom several times a day when I’m here, especially while I’m temporary host, so it’s going to be horrible not being able to do that! It’ll be worth it in the end though. It’s the long-term I need to focus on, the loving little trio of gerbils!
Like I said, not as long as I usually write, especially as I’ve been out for a whole week. I’ve also been journaling to be able to get my emotions out which has helped since my last post. I hope next time I post I’ll be sharing all this responsibility with someone else! Although whoever it is I’m hoping they’ll be responsible! If not, then I guess I’ll be handling things on my own again. At least I have things to look forward to and a lot of support to help me. I have a very good support network and if I can gather the courage to try taking our sleeping tablets then I might feel a better. I hate taking “take when needed” psychiatric medication. I can get my head around things like our asthma inhaler as that’s an emergency! If I can’t breathe then that’s ambulance material! But not sleeping? It wasn’t until I had a chat with our key worker this evening that I realised how important sleep actually is when it comes to the brain. She gave me an idea to try and sleep at about 6am until maybe an hour or so before support is due in the afternoon. Keri’s sleep is absolute crap so me getting some decent hours in on my own nocturnal schedule doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s at least a decent amount of hours! I love lying in the dark but I can never sleep. As soon as daylight hits? That’s when I start feeling like my eyelids weigh a ton!
Have a good week everyone! It’s just an update this week rather than an upbeat thing as I really can’t be bothered to put a massive amount of thought into it. I just want to lie down again and turn off the lights after double checking the dishes are washed. Next week I’ll hopefully have had a bit more sleep and be sharing more responsibility. Or, even better, Keri will actually be here properly and I’ll just be nipping out just to do my post!
Good night!
Fox 🦊
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