Postponing Until Next Week

Hey everyone.

I can’t sit and write a post tonight. My focus is all over the place. Vi is going to be here for a week or so so that I can try and suss out whether everything I’m experiencing is down to illness or severe sleep deprivation. I’m desperately hoping it’s the latter of the two and I can go to our care coordinator next Friday and say “I feel great again!”.

I’m exhausted, I’m losing my appetite, my mood is dipping, my focus is erratic, my brain feels like it’s dripping out of my ears and my logic is slipping occasionally which is very frustrating. I’m also starting to get very mistrustful which doesn’t help when I’m trying to help all of us as a whole, along with all the other weird stuff I’m dealing with that I can’t really brush off anymore which I chatted about in previous posts.

I do have good news which is I’ve heard from our foster mum, well technically ex-foster mum but I hate using that term. Things are chaotic and as mental as usual but thankfully everyone is at least alive, even if not in the finest of physical health! We have a new baby niece, who looks amazingly gorgeous and I’m sure she’ll be a spoilt little princess that’s if she’s not already!

Plus, our gerbils are still causing mayhem wherever they lay their paws although I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ll speak to you all soon and hopefully I’ll be in much better spirits and be able to tell you that this whole thing was just sleep deprivation and I feel fine. If not, then, well I’d rather not think about that unless I’m in that situation (then I’ll deal with it). Optimism is key!

Have a good week or so!

Fox 🦊

Needing Vi More Than Anticipated!

I’m a day late this week but I needed Vi sooner than I thought I would! It’s been a harder week. I lasted 4 days before I had to get Vi to give me some respite again but now our switching is the same as Keri’s experience (ie like blinking without any idea how much time has passed) it’s not really much of a break in the usual sense of the word!

I haven’t done much this week as being around people is exhausting for me at the moment. These weird things I’m seeing, hearing and feeling are really hard to just brush off now. I can’t just ignore any of it and I’m questioning everything. I even had to ask this evening about a weird noise the boiler was making as I had a horrible feeling it was about to explode when actually it was real and the noise has stopped now. It’s ridiculous! I can’t do this! The support workers are being great though. I’m in the middle of trying to sort an email to the manager with compliments about a lot of the staff but it’s taking longer than I thought it would as my focus is all over the place. At least my mischievous grin hasn’t disappeared! That I’ve managed to keep so far! 😁 I’m still trying to stay cheeky when I can but sometimes it’s hard. I think being mute makes things easier to hide although my facial expressions probably show more than I mean to when I can’t hold in my frustration, shock or fear. I’ve dug out some headphones and found I can cope a bit better if I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head back and forth a bit to see if things disappear. It doesn’t always work but I’ve got to try! I’m a stubborn little donkey!

I went out with a support worker to a wildlife park on Friday and it was brilliant! I can deal with the cold. I just hate the rain. I saw lemurs (and almost got peed on by one that was sat above my head that I didn’t notice!), giraffes, cheetahs, a lynx, bears, wolverines, zebras, reindeer, monkeys, goats, pigs, and best of all, wolves! I love wolves! They’re my favourite animals! There was a pack of them and I got some great videos. Actually I got great videos and photos of all the animals! To cap off the trip we got a drink in the cafe for the drive back, hot chocolate for me! It was great to be out in the fresh air, even if I did get bothered by things that didn’t seem to bother other people. Looking back I don’t think those things were real or people would probably have screamed or at least frozen and stared like I did. Because my support worker was looking at all the animals like I was it wasn’t hard to look like I was engrossed with everything but there were times where I felt terrified. At one point I wanted to grab his arm and drag him in the opposite direction to the warped shadows that were screaming at us but he didn’t even seem to look at them, let alone point them out when we walked by. It’s confusing the hell out of me! I hate it! At least the animals made the trip quite enjoyable though. They kept me distracted enough that I wasn’t stuck in my own head for the whole time, especially when we got to the wolf enclosure. I think it must have been feeding time as they were definitely hunting for something in their pack! And nearly being peed on by a cheeky lemur out of nowhere got me laughing quite a lot...

I got Vi out on Friday night as by then I was just too exhausted and getting very frustrated. Although today has felt much the same, it’s just Vi has helped a lot by getting 3 nights of sleep! She didn’t do much by the sounds of it. She spent the weekend purging which I’m not happy with at all as it, once again, makes my effort to help us gain weight get dented a bit. She didn’t go out but at least she tried relaxing. She played on the PlayStation, had cuddles with all the gerbils (the babies are now happy to be held although I’ve made it clear that it’s not to be longer than about 30 seconds as they’re still very skittish), and at least saw the staff. I bought her a couple of skirts, a pair of leggings and a pair of new boots which she’s very happy with! A neighbour also very kindly gave me a body warmer. I don’t think she realises I’m actually a teenage male though. She knows my name is Fox but explaining the teen boy thing is complicated. I left a note under her door saying this though and said Vi might like it, and she does! So that’s that sorted! I’m no good with teen girl fashion but I thought she’d like it. She’s asked me to thank our neighbour which I did on Friday. I think I’d make things a lot more complicated if I slid another note under her door saying “Oh Vi was here for a couple of days and loves the body warmer! She said to say thank you!”. I’m not even sure our neighbour knows about all of us alters or if she’s just picked up on the fact all the staff, and a couple of the other clients I do actually chat to, call me Fox and know I’m a “he”. Vi said she met one of the clients I chat to but is worried it didn’t go well as she thinks she upset her. As far as I can tell Vi was being her usual very sensitive self though. She thinks she upsets everyone whether she actually has or not. If someone is frowning that’s just walked past her, even if Vi doesn’t know them, she’ll think she’s upset them somehow. I’m very happy with the fact Vi got so much sleep! I don’t feel as exhausted, I just feel mentally fatigued. I think it’s just stress more than anything which probably explains my lack of focus. I’m going to need Vi a lot more frequently than I anticipated. I wanted to be back tonight so I could go to therapy tomorrow anyway but it might turn out I have to split my time pretty evenly with Vi after all. I’m very reluctant to do this though, as I said last week.

I came back late this morning as Vi refused point blank to go to our eye appointment. It turns out that we didn’t need an eye appointment anyway and the letter came because of an error. It was the quickest appointment I’d ever had! I was very glad as, while the woman was telling me all of this, I was sat in front of these 2 machines that I felt were about to shoot lasers at me. I have to admit, I didn’t feel very ‘at ease’! It wasn’t a complete waste though as it meant I got a walk, I met a new member of staff who was shadowing our key worker and I got to pick up a new box of contact lenses. Not a worthless effort. It was also the session where our key worker noticed my head shaking thing I try and do to get rid of things that were freaking me out a bit or that I didn’t know were real or not. This led to me obviously explaining what I was doing. Initially she thought I was shaking my head as if to say “women!” at a conversation we were having! I do that quite often... I’ll never pretend to understand the inner working of the female brain and I doubt I’ll ever understand! It’s a long standing thing amongst the staff that I take the mick quite a lot about the fact they’re all female besides one of them! 😉

I don’t have much planned this week besides seeing our care coordinator although honestly I’m not sure how helpful that’s going to be. If I can barely even focus on writing this or watching a movie like usual then I doubt I can spend an hour talking to him about stuff. Plus, that’s another 4 days away. Maybe I can get Vi out the day before just so I can make sure she has a night of sleep. I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there. I’m taking it one day at a time. Planning ahead doesn’t work too well right now. I can’t predict the future. I can’t say that’s in my skill level! I don’t believe in fortune telling stuff. I’m very sceptical of that kind of thing. That doesn’t mean I can’t wish I could do it! 😆

It’s amazing how fast time is going even though half the time I’m doing nothing. I think I’m getting a lot of dissociative episodes. These are different from the freezing episodes. The freezing episodes mean I physically can’t move for hours. The dissociative episodes just mean I go into somewhat of a trance until something makes me snap out of it. I lose track of time and just kind of stare. If I lose focus too much or get too mentally exhausted then these happen a lot. I think it’s my brain saying “I need a quick break please!”. I don’t mind this too much. It’s better than not being capable of moving for hours. It just means that time is quite meaningless right now. The only time I’m very aware of what the time is, is when I finally feel able to go to sleep and when I get up to have a peek out of the blinds I find that it’s getting light outside for the morning. I’m lucky that most of my schedule is in the afternoon as it means I can sleep from about 8/9am - 11am-12pm. That’s 2-4 hours. The only exception is Thursdays when support is at 11am so sleep is pretty limited that morning! As you can probably hear, my nocturnal sleep pattern is exactly the same. I’ve had no success changing it. This isn’t bothering me too much though as I’m just trying to adapt things around it. Plus, now Vi has been here a few times she’s more aware of what goes on while she’s here so I don’t have to be so wary of things going wrong. The worst she can do is faint. Admittedly this isn’t great but in the grand scheme of things this isn’t nearly as bad as what could go wrong is it?

All 3 gerbils are awake! I need cuddles with them right now as it’s 10.30pm. They’ll go to bed in a couple of hours and as long as I don’t have a freezing episode then it means I can get some housework done before dimming the lights and putting on some music in the bedroom. I’m tempted to try meditation again. We have a lot of meditation stuff on our phone. Even if I’m not asleep, if I’m lying down with my eyes closed that’s still technically resting as your body isn’t moving or tense. The only problem is when those stupid voices bug me. They set me off at times when they touch on certain subjects but most of the time it’s more annoying, like a mosquito buzzing around in the dark by your head you’re trying to swat away, except you can’t swat away something that’s disembodied. Plus I can’t retaliate as I can’t talk or shout which is even more frustrating, and they know it!

I’ve still got texts and messages I haven’t replied to which is my fault. I’ve mainly answered texts that involve support sessions as considering I’m mute it’s my main communication! Besides that I don’t really bother at the moment unless it’s family. Maybe I can teach the gerbils how to text? Tom is always pretty keen to run all over my iPad keyboard when I’m using it to type gibberish for me so maybe I could tame him to type actual words. I reckon the word “treat” would go down quite well! 😄

Speaking of Tom, it’s snuggle time. And I can’t concentrate anymore. It’s taken nearly 3 hours to write this much as I’ve had to write on and off. Our little fluffy meatball has been very patient and played with the babies while he’s been waiting for me! He’s still a very good teacher and uncle to them! I still can’t get over how adorable they all are when they’re in a massive pile of fluff fast asleep or grooming each other, or even having a little look around in their “meerkat mode”.

If I don’t post on Sunday then it’s because Vi is here again but I’ll try not to keep delaying it too often. Although these self care things have to be taken into account! It may even be I write it a day early but we’ll see. I have to be wary what days I let Vi out as she refuses to work with the male support worker as she’s terrified. I also have to take into account appointments and such. She may only be a year younger but emotionally she’s a lot younger than that so I need to take that into account too.

I’ll be back in about a week, as usual!

Fox 🦊 

Feeling Revitalised!

Hey everyone!

Because me and Vi have been here all week again (plus these 3 extra days because of my blog delay) I can say we’re still pretty stable which I’m very happy about! Vi managed to get a total of about 18 hours sleep in the couple of days she was here. She got more sleep in 1 night than I had for the entire week! I feel so much better! It’s like I’m revitalised! I’m back to my usual mischievous and productive self. I’ve tried so hard to adapt to sleeping at night but it’s not working and I’m not sure if it’s even possible for me to change it. I think my internal clock is pretty much just set the way it is. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying but it does mess things up a little bit! 

We now have a very happy trio of gerbils! I collected 2 babies last Wednesday. They’re called Danzilla, Zil for short, and Orion (because I love the stars!). So how we have Tom, Danzilla and Orion. Tom was like a grumpy uncle initially but now he’s been teaching them how to do things. I’m working very hard to tame the babies and luckily Vi didn’t screw it all up while I wasn’t here! They were only in the split cage for a few days and now they’re all living together and sleeping in a big pile of fluff. Zil and Orion use Tom as a giant pillow which he doesn’t seem to mind. Tom is the same size as the 2 babies put together! It’s quite funny seeing them sat next to each other! You’ll see photos of them on their Instagram account. So far, I haven’t been bitten at all by the babies but I’m taking it very slowly with them. I don’t know how Keri did it with Tom and Ian but I do know we had different methods! Both must have worked though as Tom and Ian never bit either! I have high hopes. Zil and Orion are still a bit skittish but they’re getting used to the day to day noises and movement. They haven’t just had to get used to Tom, they’ve had to get used to me, and they’ve had to get used to a new home, and a brand new environment with all sorts of new noises and sights! I’m surprised they haven’t nipped me actually considering all they’re having to adapt to! Everyone that has come to see them so far has fallen in love straight away but I think you’d have to have an extremely unhealthy deficit of emotion not to fall in love with the little balls of fluff. Orion is already going through some colour changes. He’s a honey coloured gerbil and is getting patches of dark orange on his forehead. He’s looking quite quirky!

I went to the community centre today which I was very happy about as last week I couldn’t go as I had to pick up the gerbils. The week before, Keri was out and point blank refused to see anyone. The week before that and my support was cancelled unexpectedly. There was a couple of women there that I already knew from the last time I went. One of the older ones was doing something with wool and she showed me what she was doing. She called it “crocheting”. I love anything that involves detail and that takes a lot of time. It’s like with my diamond painting sets - they take forever, but one by one you add the little diamond sequins onto their places and eventually you get a beautiful picture! I know Keri has a load of stuff that she did for “looming” but I associate looming with those silly elastic band bracelets that teenage girls used to make (and that Vi loves which makes it even worse...). The crochet thing seemed really interesting to me and the woman showed me a lot of what she’d made. She calls herself the “original granny” and her grandson asked her the other day if she was old enough to be in a museum. I couldn’t stop laughing! It was a couple of mins before I pulled myself together! The younger woman drew some anatomy stuff. I’ve always been terrible at drawing so I didn’t look too much at that besides the fact she was doing a lot better than I would’ve done! In the end I did some colouring by number sheets that the staff found. I have no idea what I was colouring in though! 

I love going to that centre as no one has any issues with me being around and me and my support worker did explain a bit to another woman who I was as she got a bit confused about the me vs Keri situation. I don’t mind explaining this at times as it took all of us alters a while to get our head around it and we live with it, let alone other people who don’t have to live with the whole thing or maybe haven’t even come across DID before. It still really bugs me though that it’s all women! I know they don’t mean to make me feel bad but quite often it’s “bye girls”, “hi ladies” or “women’s group”. No thanks! I’m male! I’m NOT a girl and I don’t like being reminded that I’m going to a WOMEN’S group because I’m a boy! Just because this stupid body is female doesn’t mean I am and sometimes it makes me so angry! People don’t mean to say it and I know they don’t understand but it can get so frustrating that I want to scream. Although even if I was capable of screaming I doubt I’d stand in the middle of the room and actually do that... I don’t have any issues with women but it’s nice to mix it up. There’s ONE male support worker here and I really look forward to my time with him purely because it feels so nice to actually be around someone finally who’s my own gender! Even though being around people is exhausting I really try to make sure I have that support with him as it feels kind of refreshing! I can’t exactly hang around with other 15 year old boys. I hate saying this crap but I do in fact, in other people’s eyes, look like a 26 year old woman, so I think hanging around a load of boys my age would look odd. It feels so isolating! I’m just glad that the support workers accept me and let me be myself. If I want to have an immature moment rather than keep being constantly overly responsible for a 15 year old boy and kick a load of leaves across a park, there’s no issue! I might get some looks from people, but I don’t care! I should get to be myself and screw everyone else! Hang on, I’ve gone off on a serious tangent. I feel quite strongly about all of this so I think my writing got a bit out of hand! Back to business, whatever it was that I was going to say... 

Vi was out for a couple of days as I was severely sleep deprived. I was losing my focus on things, I wasn’t able to get the motivation to tidy or do anything productive, I needed more alone time, socialising was even more exhausting, and ironically it made sleeping even more difficult! I left Vi a letter explaining what had been going on since she was last here (it had been a week since she was last here with that migraine). She was very happy that she had a couple of days to herself where she didn’t have to deal with any illness and the only ‘job’ she had was to sleep! Besides that she could do as she pleased (within reason) for the rest of the time. She has a tendency to treat human beings like “starving lions”. She thinks she’s going to get hit, shouted at, hurt, any negative thing a human being can do and she thinks it’s going to be inflicted on her. She’s also very guarded with what she says as she’s scared she’ll say too much. She even said she was scared she’d said too much to our key worker simply because she was asked why she liked reading! Simply put, Vi likes reading so much as an escape from all the crap she went through, a bit like a fantasy world she can flit into when she needs to. Even this, as small as it seems, Vi found too much and didn’t want to expand and felt scared. I’ll be making sure to write in my next letter before she comes out that this was a completely innocent remark and that our worker meant nothing by it. I did say beforehand that even if she had a lot of secrets, the staff and family know about at least half of the things that have happened in the past and she doesn’t need to be so guarded. Unfortunately she seems to have it ingrained into her that she shouldn’t let things slip. When she does she starts panicking, which is why she felt she had to write about it in the letter she left for me.

Vi also went to her 1st therapy session. She wouldn’t have gone in if it wasn’t for the reassurance of our support worker who goes with us. I don’t have the same anxiety so I didn’t feel as terrified for my 1st time but Vi has horrible anxiety about everything, especially if it involves attention being on her. I also overlooked a crucial detail that I forgot to write about to her and apparently everyone else forgot about too! No one, including me, thought to mention to Vi that anything that is said in that room is shared with anyone else (besides other alters if necessary). Vi said that after our therapist had said that she felt a bit better about talking. Unfortunately, that’s now started a lot of crap that we’ve tried to avoid for a long time, including Vi texting her mum about her “dad”. I have a feeling this is going to get very very complicated. We kept Vi away from all the court stuff that happened and she still doesn’t understand the severity of everything. I won’t go into details about what Vi said she talked about in therapy as I feel like that would be invasive. I don’t mind writing about certain things I talk about but that’s my own stuff that I’m sharing, not someone else’s. I’m glad Vi and our T finally met but it’s definitely opened a can of worms! Her mum is now aware as I had to text her as soon as I found out about the message Vi had sent. At least next time, Vi will be less wary. From what she wrote, she spoke more to our T than she had to either of the support workers she met and that’s very reassuring to me.

I’ll admit that even though Vi purged (she said she’d done it both days) she was very well behaved! She said she’d tried very hard to behave and I double checked the flat to make sure nothing was broken or that anything was out of sight in an attempt to hide some form of impulsivity that went wrong. It all looked fine! The gerbils are all still perfectly fine and aren’t hiding in fright at the sight of me. Tom is used to the switching so knows the difference between me and other alters, but this is something else Zil and Orion are going to have to adjust to! The fact they’re still happy proves that Vi didn’t try grabbing at them or chase them around like a maniac and scare the crap out of them! She has asked that I get her some new clothes and some decent boots which I think is reasonable. I didn’t give her the usual allowance (something else I forgot) so all she did was spend money on food. I did double check this though as unfortunately Vi’s word isn’t always the best thing to go by. This checked out though and she did only spend money on food so yesterday night I had a look at the wish list she’d made and ordered her 2 new skirts, a pair of fleeced leggings and a pair of knee high boots. The boots and leggings have already arrived this evening so I’ll lay them out on the armchair when she’s out again for a couple of days. It’ll be a lovely surprise for her! Considering we could be here for a while and I’m very good with managing money, I think it would be cruel to neglect Vi’s needs just because ‘I can’. If it’ll make her feel better than I’m happy too.

This temporary host thing is making us both sympathetic towards Keri though. Because of the amnesiac barrier between me and Vi, and the fact we have no contact with any other alters, we have the same kind of switching Keri seems to describe. When Vi was out, I felt like no time had passed. When I came back I felt like I’d blinked a few times like I was getting my eyes to focus, except I was in different clothes, sat in a different chair, with things in different places, and 2 days had disappeared! All I’d done was found my door, switched with Vi, but then I’d blinked and that was it. Now I understand what Keri means when she says that weeks can disappear and she just feels like she’s blinked. It’s like Vi said in her letter to me when I got back, she feels the same! We had no idea how disorientating it was! It took me about 20 mins to adjust to what was going on before I then went to have support with the staff.

Vi had a lot of strange symptoms, just like I’ve been having. I emailed our care coordinator about it on Sunday and our key worker spoke to him too. I’m still keeping a log of everything that’s going on but I’m not reassured. Things haven’t been getting any better with these strange occurrences but I’m still going to maintain my faith that we have a good mental health team that knows what they’re doing. When I met our care coordinator he did seem to me to know what he was talking about and seemed logical. I usually have a decent sense of people but I have been wrong before. It’s rare though! Sometimes it’s little things I’ll pick up on. There might be a sudden look of skepticism. A look of shock. A look of fear. A sneer. A glazed look. It could be a sudden atmosphere or feeling that develops for a brief second. It could be anything. Usually there’s some kind of sign but I don’t look at people’s faces unless I’m pretty sure they aren’t looking directly at my eyes. I’ve made that mistake before and felt myself freeze. I don’t mean a sudden freezing episode, I just mean frozen in fear staring at the floor for a minute. 

I’m going to a wildlife park on Friday! I’ve got a few hours tomorrow to go somewhere but I have no idea what to do. I’ll improvise! The support is at 11am and at that point in the morning I’m not exactly ‘with it’ considering I can never fall asleep until about 8am now. I’ll have to be up before 10am to shower and get sorted. I used to like showering in the evenings but Vi prefers the mornings and keeping our schedules the same just makes things easier when we have to switch. Because of my tendency of taking ages to be able to wake up even after I’ve gotten out of bed, a shower seems to help get the sleepiness away a little bit. We even have a meeting at 10.30am this week which means I’m going to get a whole hour of sleep before I have to get up and shower. Can the whole world turn nocturnal please? It would really help! 

Most of my time right now is being dedicated to the gerbil trio with staff support dipped in here and there, plus the joy of cleaning, appointments and all the lovely adult stuff I’m very quickly adapting to. I’m glad I have so many hobbies I can do in the flat but it’s good to get out of here most days. I haven’t been on a decent night time walk recently as it’s been raining and horrible but it seems to have cleared up a bit more now. It’s just very cold. I can cope with that as long as I can see the stars! If it’s clear tomorrow night then I’m hoping I can get out for an hour. I’m also dedicating a lot of time to eating! I don’t mean pigging out, I mean making sure that I’m eating when I’m hungry but trying to add additional snacks, and healthily. I’ve said previously that Keri has lost a lot of weight and it wasn’t until today that I found out the staff had noticed the difference too. I was easily able to say I have no issue with eating and one of my goals has been to get some of the weight back on! It’s part of the reason I don’t want Vi out for extended periods. Her bulimia is severe and it won’t help with weight gain. If our time was evenly divided then all my hard work would then be taken away as soon as she was here! I’m hoping that gradually I can get us back to a healthy BMI as we’re underweight again. Even if I can just get us to the minimal BMI needed then I’ll be happy. I’ve hidden the weighing scales as well purely for Vi’s benefit so she doesn’t get tempted by them when she’s here or she’d never get off the stupid things. I’m only getting them out once a week to make sure we’re gaining some weight but so far... I don’t know how it’s happening. I weighed exactly the same the 1st week and then this week lost weight. I don’t know how that’s even possible. I think I’ll ask staff about it tomorrow. This is one of the things I’m not expert on. Considering I’ve never had a problem with an eating disorder I’ve had no need to be obsessive about calories or the whole metabolism thing. It’s one thing I am pretty clueless about, besides the basics that everyone knows. I think google might be necessary although I don’t want to get freaked out over skeleton photos or something. I’m well aware of some of the sites Keri and Vi visit online that feed into their eating disorder crap and I don’t want to find one 😡 Maybe a search engine isn’t a good idea and I’ll just ask the support workers and maybe our care coordinator too. I’d rather ask human beings as technology isn’t reliable at certain times. It’s a bit like people trying to diagnose themselves without a doctor. Do you have a degree and study medicine for 7 years? No, you googled for a total of 3 mins...

All the gerbils are cuddled in a big pile! Tom still doesn’t seem to mind acting like a pillow. He’s so much happier now. I think he wanted slaves to do the nesting for him so he could be lazy again! It’s getting very late now so I need pasta, hot chocolate, dimmed lights, some games, a movie, start some cleaning, and all the usual crap I tend to do at this time as my brain seems to start getting a lot more active! If the washing machine wasn’t so noisy I’d be doing that at 3am so I wouldn’t be bored out of my mind lying in the dark daydreaming and trying to quiet my mind for the night! This task of changing my sleep seems impossible but I still try every night. If after another few weeks it still won’t budge then I’ll bring it up with our care coordinator. Who knows, maybe he’s met another nocturnal human before! Anyway, I’m sure you lot should be huddled in blankets or a duvet at this hour, unless any of you are the same as me and start getting strangely active at this time until the daylight hits again in the morning!

I’ll be back to blog on Sunday! Even if I haven’t slept much Vi won’t be having a couple of days again before then 😊 Good night! Or good morning or afternoon! Whichever part of the world or whatever time you’re reading...

Fox 🦊 

Scheduled Post - Vi is here for a couple of days

Happy Sunday! Although technically it’s going to be just turning Monday when this post goes up!

I’ve scheduled this post to go up at midnight (or 4pm Pacific Standard Time, America I’m assuming?) as I won’t be here for a couple of days. Due to the fact I’m so exhausted I haven’t been myself the last few days. I’ll be writing a post on Tuesday or Wednesday night. In the mean time Violet is going to be temporary host until then as she tends to sleep like a log. She’s a 14 year old girl after all! I should feel better by then!

Due to the fact I won’t be here, although I’m not actually here at the time of this post anyway, I can’t write my blog for tonight! As usual though I’ve scheduled this for those that read it on Sunday/Monday expecting to see an update. I’ll speak to you all soon and hope you’ve had a good week! If you know us personally and do speak or see Vi then please be nice to her! She’s very shy and quiet so she’ll feel very intimidated, especially if you’re an adult.

Bye for now!

Fox 🦊

26 Years Old (Physically)!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Keri had her 2 day chance and she seems to have gotten worse. She saw our key worker only because she hadn’t realised I’d been out for 8 days and only thought she’d lost a few hours. Our key worker filled her in but obviously didn’t tell Keri the full details of my sabotage! Keri found out anyway after our key worker left. She didn’t sleep at all on that Monday night as she spent the whole night figuring out what I’d done. After finding out most of it she completely lost it, had a meltdown, smashed a glass and that was about the end of it. She then refused to see ANYONE. She didn’t see staff, or friends, and she cancelled her therapy session, which she hasn’t done for months. The other leaders were the ones that mainly kept an eye on her while I spent the majority of my time dealing with Shadow and checking in on the other alters, most of which aren’t doing too well, especially Raven, who I was hoping was going to come out with me to help host. She’s hallucinating and really out of touch with things. At one point she screamed so badly that me, Clari and Mary shot straight to her room to find her completely hysterical and seeing things. Obviously, in that state, we can’t really have her out here with me! So Violet has joined me instead. We’re experiencing some weird stuff but it’s really mild and occasional so I’ve been brushing it off and so has Vi. 

In the mean time, while me and Vi are here it means that things are going to be relatively stable, thank god! We’re eating actual food, taking medication regularly, getting some hobbies, staying occupied and we’ll be back to therapy again this week after Keri cancelled last week. Considering Vi has never met our therapist, she’ll need to eventually. I’ve let our T know that Vi might turn up on her doorstep one week as considering Vi has never gone I doubt she’ll even know she needs to go to a therapy session until our support worker knocks on the front door to say it’s time to go! Me and our key worker also talked about the possibility of getting Keri out occasionally to do some sessions as well just to keep monitoring her psychotic and depressive symptoms to see how the medication and therapy is working but I’ll talk to our T about that this week. We’ll be doing work for our overall stuff but I’ll also talk to her about stuff that I need to as well. Considering I’m having to deal with most things (Vi is kind of a “sidekick”) there’s a lot of stress involved that I didn’t really anticipate and that hasn’t come up before when I’ve been out for prolonged periods. I don’t know if it’s because our brain is a bit unwell at the moment or something but it’s been a lot more exhausting and distressing. At least everything is calmer though and no one is panicking or worried as I have no risks to myself, other people, property, animals, nothing! That’s something I focus on when things are feeling tough as it’s half the point of me being here, to make sure we’re all okay in the long run 🙂

I know me coming out on Wednesday night meant Keri missing her birthday but she didn’t even care that it was her birthday anyway so in the grand scheme of things she’s not going to think much about that. I carved a pumpkin for the first time with my name (you’ll see the photos on our Instagram) which was definitely a weird but fun experience! I wanted to go trick or treating as I’ve never had the chance to do that but the male support worker who was working thought it would be a bad idea to have him knocking on people’s doors with his “scruffy face” with me in tow! Maybe next year, ha! Although I’m hoping I won’t be out next year for Keri’s birthday and that she’ll actually have the fun experience like everyone else. Right now she doesn’t even realise she’s turned 26!

I was going to get the gerbil babies today and even spent 2 hours setting up the split cage! I’ve spent a lot of money on a lot of brand new toys that don’t have any gerbil scent on them as Tom could be territorial after the introduction is over. Then, migraine hit. The signs for me are slightly different for the average person as I’ve got to keep a close eye on things. Because of the fact I don’t feel pain anywhere close to the average person I can’t really judge a migraine on pain signals and I need to bite it in the bud before I get to vomiting stage, otherwise that triggers one of my totally frozen episodes and I never know how many hours that will go on for. I had to get Vi out to deal with it early this afternoon and the poor girl doesn’t have the same pain tolerance I do so she got hit with the full force of it. She left me a note before I was back out as I said I needed to be back by 7pm to sort out our next week of medication if the migraine was better by then. The problem with the fact we’re temporary hosts and not permanent like Keri, it means that me and Vi still have complete amnesia between each other. It’s not like Keri where we can see what she’s doing if we choose to. There’s a total block between me and Vi so communication is vital between us, especially if it’s been several days since one of us has been out. Plus, I can’t deal with periods! It’s been a long time since we’ve had to deal with those because of Keri’s eating disorder, and because Vi has bulimia I doubt the periods will come back for a long time. The fact is, I can’t take that risk. If they do come back because of the fact I eat healthily and regularly, I’m not dealing with them! I’m male! I find it hard enough when I have to go to the toilet and shower, let alone THAT! Vi will get days to herself though as she really wants to go to the park and do stuff like play on swings etc. I don’t think that’s asking much! She’s very immature emotionally and psychologically for a 14 year old but when it comes to practical issues she is very capable. She can even fix a fuse! I don’t even know where to start with that! I wouldn’t want to take a plug apart, let alone mess around in there!

I met with our care coordinator for the first time and he was actually not an idiot, although one of the first things I wrote to him on my iPad was that I had to suss out whether he was actually an idiot or not! He said that was a fair thing to say! I actually had a really good chat with him. We talked about a lot of stuff. I asked about the episodes I’m getting where I freeze for hours and can’t move. Hopefully it won’t happen in public but if it does it’s down to the support workers for their judgement. If it happens in the middle of the road then it’ll be a lot more serious of an issue than if it was a quiet street with no imminent danger. I thought it was going to happen last week when I went to pick up some medication from the pharmacy. There was a woman in there getting quite angry and I could feel myself getting more and more worked up. I don’t normally show much if I’m anxious so when it shows to other people it’s not good! I started bouncing up and down a bit and our key worker noticed and knew I was really not feeling good. Luckily it wasn’t long after that before the woman left and the 20 min walk back home really helped me. With that kind of thing I always want to leave the situation but my legs never want to cooperate! It’s not until I’m bouncing around and flapping my arms and doing all that weird hyper stuff just before I freeze that my legs decide they want to go anywhere. Our care coordinator suggested it was catatonia and asked questions about the episodes but couldn’t really explain why it’s happening more than usual. I’m seeing him again in a few weeks and there’s another review with the psychiatrist in about 4 weeks and I’ll have to ask the care coordinator if it’s better for me to see the doctor or if Keri should. We discussed antipsychotic medication but because we’re already weaning onto one medication, I don’t want to wean onto another one otherwise we won’t know which one is helping with which symptoms. I asked what the psychiatrist’s opinion was and he thinks we should wait to see what the effect of the current medication is and work from there. I agreed. It sounds like we actually have a psychiatrist who is sensible but whether he accepts me or ignores me is yet to be determined! So we’re waiting for now. The problem we had in hospital, and I said this to our care coordinator and he agreed, is that we were bombarded with so much medication that no one knew what did what and everyone was so foggy and zombified. It was just about trying to “manage” things because of the aggression Sally often presented with and the unpredictability of behaviours by Keri and other alters. The problem with hospital is psychiatrists often decide that if patients are out of it with pills then it makes it easier to deal with them. I’ll admit, over 4 years of dealing with all of us, I don’t really blame them for shoving all those pills and injections into us. I can see their point of view. It doesn’t mean I agree with it. That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad we live in our flat. Our mental health team has a totally different view to hospital, in fact they have the same view I do, to have us on medication we actually need, not just a cocktail to keep everyone sedated and zombie-like.

I’m actually managing to get some sleep finally! As long as I have nothing planned in the morning, I can go to sleep when the daylight hits (which right now is about 6.30am although getting closer to 7am) and then set an alarm for late morning. It may not be many hours but at least it’s a decent chunk. I don’t have any issues staying asleep or anything. I did wonder whether there was any such thing as a nocturnal human and apparently there’s people with a sleep disorder with similar symptoms. I doubt I have a sleep disorder as I think it’s just an engrained thing that’s happened to me but it’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only human in the world having to deal with a similar problem. I’m still going to try and adjust my sleep to see if I can start sleeping at night by trying to get to bed slightly earlier every other night. Our key worker suggested I take a sleeping tablet every night for several nights to see if it helps me sleep earlier which I’m going to try. I hate “as needed” stuff so she suggested putting it in my regular dosette box with the other night medication and just taking the night dose later. That, I can do! It’s just in with my regular meds so I don’t have to pop it out of the foil and stuff which makes it feel easier for me!

Vi left me a note after she’d been out today and she’s had a couple of weird experiences with a voice she was hearing. She got pretty creeped out but brushed it off like I’ve been doing. I didn’t think anything of it until I had a chat with our worker and she suggested starting a log of all the weird stuff that happens, even if I’m just brushing it off. Not bringing up the reason Raven couldn’t host with me was stupid, and not bringing everything up with our care coordinator was an oversight on my part. It’s only little stuff right now but it’s something I’d rather nip in the bud. It’s been a very long time since I had a really bad psychotic episode and I don’t plan on having another one. Ignoring some of this stuff has probably not helped. I think I’ve been wanting to ignore some of it purely because I don’t want to admit how much everyone is being effected. Vi actually asked what’s wrong with Raven. Before we both came out I told Vi to let me know if she experienced anything “weird” even if she just brushed it off afterwards and it seemed small but I didn’t go into details as I don’t want to scare her. What am I supposed to say to a 14 year old girl? Yes, you need to tell me or you might end up the way Raven and Keri are right now? That would scare her stupid! I’m trying to be blasé about it otherwise she’s going to be terrified every time she comes out just in case something happens she can’t explain. 

I’ve watched a lot of movies lately: Happy Feet 1 & 2, Madagascar 1, 2 & 3, The Emoji Movie and I also started watching Goosebumps with a support worker as I love the books! I didn’t even know they’d made a Goosebumps movie! The support worker isn’t allowed in the flats because he’s male. He’s actually the only male support worker based here. The first time I met him I did comment and grin at the fact that I’m male and I’m allowed to live in the flats and he can’t even come in. Nuh nuh nuhnuh nuh! Considering it’s freezing cold weather it’s lucky the support workers have their own flat as this means we can have support in their flat. How that’s allowed and yet he can’t support me in my flat I have no idea. I’ve asked lots of staff and they’ve explained the reasons but I really can’t get my head around it. I know the reasons make some form of sense but, yeah, I don’t get it. Some of the reasons behind the decision do make sense, some of it is just plain illogical, and this is coming from someone who bases most of their decisions on fact and logic!

Wow. I’ve really written a lot tonight. It’s about 2am so I guess I better take this medication and go and lie down. I got so frustrated trying to sleep last night I actually wanted to punch a wall and that doesn’t happen very often at all. I think I tried to run before I could walk. Lying in the dark for 3 hours when you’re wide awake really isn’t helpful when you’re nocturnal and trying to change your sleep pattern. As soon as the daylight hit though? Within half an hour I was asleep. I didn’t even know it was daylight as the curtains and blinds were both closed. I only knew when I checked the Fitbit log to see what time I’d finally slept and it was 25 mins after it had started getting light so I know that it’s my internal clock, not the lightness of the sky. It’s crazy. Let’s hope these sleeping tablets help! Tom is even asleep right now which is rare for him at this time. Normally we’re sat watching a movie while he’s curled up in my hoodie, but I have spent over an hour writing this blog post so I guess it’s been so quiet he’s given up trying to get my attention! At least that means that he can’t distract me with his big eyes after I’ve had the meds, otherwise I’d be spending the next 2 hours with him in my hoodie rather than lying down and trying to doze off with a book and some music! I have the joy of a flu vaccine tomorrow so wish me luck. It doesn’t give me the flu does it? I can’t deal with that right now otherwise that means Vi is out for a week or I’m frozen/catatonic for a week, not really liking the latter one or I’d probably find myself coming around on a hospital bed!

We’re stable, eating, semi-sleeping, safe, and all the other things that are good. And alive and kicking. Although I don’t plan on kicking anything any time soon! I’m sure my mischievous streak will continue in other ways though...

I’m being pretty crap responding to messages right now (texts and Instagram) for 3 reasons: exhaustion, getting distracted, and the stupid phone is having issues with sending/receiving things (although I don’t know if this is with certain people or at a certain time of day or whether it’s just being temperamental). So bare with me if I don’t reply until the next day. I’m either too tired to use the phone and I’ve just left it on the side to have a break, haven’t even seen the message or, worst case, haven’t even received it!

See you next week! 😄

Fox 🦊 

Keri has 3 days to prove herself!

I’m not doing a really long post tonight as I’ve been out all week and I’m too exhausted to do much. I haven’t managed to convince Shadow of anything. They won’t believe Keri is psychotic but they’re at least open to letting me take a chance. I spent most of this week not knowing how long I’d be here or even what the plan was. It’s been horrible. This day to day stuff is crap. The socialising is good as it means I’m not isolated but it’s tiring. The fact I’m nocturnal means my sleep is still out of whack and I’ve barely had any this week which means, guess what, I’m tired. I’ve had to keep track of what medication needs picking up, what needs ordering, what appointments need sorting, where I need to be or need to go, what I need to buy, what housework needs doing, along with all the stuff to keep us alive and finding things to take back to Shadow. How am I supposed to be doing this all on my own? I might put in a request to Shadow that maybe 2 of us can be out next time and we can switch between the 2 of us so that it’s at least a little bit easier to deal with. I don’t know if Shadow will even listen to my request but the worst that will happen is they say no so it’s worth a shot at least.

The plan is for me to go back tomorrow evening just before our evening support is due. Keri will then be and be our host again. Obviously we’ll be keeping an eye on her and see what’s going on. If she’s the same or, heaven forbid, worse, then one of us (or hopefully 2 if Shadow allows it) will take over again on Wednesday night so that we can go to the appointment to see our care coordinator on Thursday to talk about everything. Considering switching in Keri’s experience is like blinking, I can’t see a miracle happening and her suddenly being better, but like I’ve said to one of the support workers, I’d love to be proven wrong on this occasion and I really hope I am. I don’t know what the answer to all of this is, whether it’s medication or therapy, or both, or just sitting and waiting. I’ve said time and again that I’m no expert. All I can do is say what is going on and hope the professionals can put the pieces together. I haven’t personally met our current care coordinator so I don’t know what he’s like with jigsaws! And whoever our current psychiatrist is, he’s got to be a lot better than the last one. He was a complete a-hole who wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence. I don’t get angry very often but he actually caused me to storm out of the room! I think that was a first!

My episodes where I can’t move at all have gotten worse. The longest this week has been about 5 hours. They’ve happened almost daily and 2 of them have happened with seemingly no trigger. I’m worried about what happens if this occurs in public. Is the support worker supposed to stay there for however many hours until I come out of it? Or literally carry me back to my flat? This is another thing Shadow is using against me. They’re saying that apparently it’s a sign that things are getting worse for all of us and my episodes are just the way it’s coming out for me. Personally, I think Shadow is just clutching at straws. I like objectivity and stuff but I think there’s such a thing as being too objective. Because of the fact most of us alters have been psychotic in the past and been so upset that we haven’t been listened to, I think Shadow really compensates for it and takes everyone’s word at face value. I do appreciate this in some ways as Shadow listened to me when I’ve had a bad psychotic episode before and I got a lot of comfort from it, but I don’t appreciate it when it’s being used against us as a collective! I know that the depression isn’t good. That’s something I can’t deny as my usual optimism is dampened. I just don’t want to start getting creepy weird symptoms like I have before. I think limiting the number of psychotic alters down to a minimum and nipping it in the bud before it spreads is a pretty good idea huh? Otherwise Shadow will be even more convinced and the rest of us will be too! I don’t want to have the same mindset as Keri! No way! Screw. That!

Tom is sulking with me. He’s very perceptive. If I’m out for a prolonged period and I know when I’m due to go back in, he’ll suddenly get very sulky the day before. It’s a bit upsetting but I think it’s because he thinks I’m abandoning him. How on earth do I explain to a gerbil that I’m not abandoning him? I’ve actually managed to contact a gerbil breeder who lives only 10 mins away! He has baby male gerbils for sale and I’m planning on getting 2 little friends to introduce to Tom! The original plan was to get one but Tom is 2 years old. I’m still clearly in the state of mind where I’m thinking about the future. It’s going to be heartbreaking when the time comes when Tom passes away. Hopefully it won’t be for a very long time! But if for some unforeseen reason, it’s within the next several months, then we’d have to go through the whole introduction process all over again for the new baby gerbil which will be upsetting for us and for the baby gerbil. The likelihood that the gerbils will get along with Tom (and vice versa) is very high, but there’s always a small chance that the introductions won’t go well which is why we have a spare tank just in case of an emergency if they do fight. If that’s the case then we’d end up with 2 gerbils separated and on their own! At least with 2 new babies, the tanks can be side by side and Tom will still be happily on his own but with 2 companions at least living next to him. And the 2 new brothers will be able to live together in their new home together. Everything is prepared for any scenario! The most upsetting part is going to be the actual week of introductions as they have to be on their own with minimal toys and bedding so that their sole focus is on each other in the split cage so they can bond. They can’t have playtime and they can’t be handled as otherwise our human scent will get mixed with their gerbil scents and it’ll confuse them. I play and snuggle with Tom several times a day when I’m here, especially while I’m temporary host, so it’s going to be horrible not being able to do that! It’ll be worth it in the end though. It’s the long-term I need to focus on, the loving little trio of gerbils! 

Like I said, not as long as I usually write, especially as I’ve been out for a whole week. I’ve also been journaling to be able to get my emotions out which has helped since my last post. I hope next time I post I’ll be sharing all this responsibility with someone else! Although whoever it is I’m hoping they’ll be responsible! If not, then I guess I’ll be handling things on my own again. At least I have things to look forward to and a lot of support to help me. I have a very good support network and if I can gather the courage to try taking our sleeping tablets then I might feel a better. I hate taking “take when needed” psychiatric medication. I can get my head around things like our asthma inhaler as that’s an emergency! If I can’t breathe then that’s ambulance material! But not sleeping? It wasn’t until I had a chat with our key worker this evening that I realised how important sleep actually is when it comes to the brain. She gave me an idea to try and sleep at about 6am until maybe an hour or so before support is due in the afternoon. Keri’s sleep is absolute crap so me getting some decent hours in on my own nocturnal schedule doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s at least a decent amount of hours! I love lying in the dark but I can never sleep. As soon as daylight hits? That’s when I start feeling like my eyelids weigh a ton!

Have a good week everyone! It’s just an update this week rather than an upbeat thing as I really can’t be bothered to put a massive amount of thought into it. I just want to lie down again and turn off the lights after double checking the dishes are washed. Next week I’ll hopefully have had a bit more sleep and be sharing more responsibility. Or, even better, Keri will actually be here properly and I’ll just be nipping out just to do my post! 

Good night!

Fox 🦊 

I’m The Temporary Host

Usually I say Happy Sunday but obviously instead it’s Happy Tuesday! I explained why I couldn’t post but I’m glad to say that I’m able to tonight. I need to wind down and do some writing so this is going to be some nice chill time for me. I think I need to dig out a journal while I’m the temporary host (from now I’m just going to say ‘TH’ instead of ‘temporary host’) as it’s a good outlet for me and this has been hard as hell considering it’s been only 2 days since I switched!

Like I said on Sunday, things were still getting worse last week and Keri just started refusing to see anyone entirely. By that point I was already a few days into an argument with Shadow into trying to get them to let me out temporarily to try and prove that Keri is psychotic and delusional which is why she’s managed to be so convincing to Shadow in her argument that suicide is the only answer to keep all of us safe. It took five days. Five. FIVE. It was stupid. I didn’t even think Shadow was going to agree but I wasn’t going to give up. I also didn’t know I was going to be here so suddenly. I knew about 20 mins beforehand before I was here and since then I’ve been thrown into the deep end to handle everything. It’s not what I had in mind. The last thing Shadow said to me was that I wasn’t going to convince them of anything and it was my time that I was wasting. I’d rather ‘waste’ my time rather than doom us all to a suicidal and psychotic host though. I think any rational person would. I know the littles are going to really hate the fact I’m not there but I spent that 20 mins warning wisely and made sure everything was sorted, especially the care of the littles! 

I only came out on Sunday afternoon but I feel like I’ve been out for a week. The main difference between me being the TH right now compared to other times is normally I can decide when to go back in. If I need to be here for a few days then I’m here for a few days, if it’s for a few weeks then it’s for a few weeks. When I feel it’s no longer necessary I find my door and go back in and Keri resumes as host and we go back to our usual switching. This time Shadow is in control. They decided that I was coming out and they decide when I’m going back in. They said I have at least a few days. That’s all I was given. Unless I can give Shadow a legitimate reason to be out longer, they’ll get me back in. I have no choice in the matter. It’s really grating at me! I feel like I need to get over a mountain when I only have time to walk over a small hill. I currently have no legitimate reason to give Shadow and I have no idea if I’m even going to be able to get one but I have been trying. The main plan is to try and at least get some doubt into Shadow that Keri is being fed with delusions and that the answer isn’t for all of us to die. If we can do that then Safety Duty is back on and if needed then all of us alters can start taking over to do things that need doing (those of us who are capable of doing so) or to intervene if necessary too! If it was the worst case scenario the only thing I’d have been able to do would be attempt to make Shadow doubt Keri. I’ve been able to do other things but I won’t even know about the first thing until Shadow decides I’ve been out here for long enough, or wants to chat to me to decide whether I actually have a decent reason to continue staying or not. Until then I have no contact with them so I can’t give them any feedback to see if it’ll cause any doubt! It’s very frustrating!

I spent an hour chatting to our key-worker on Sunday evening about what was going on and that I’m going to be here for at least a few days but I have no idea about the time scale but we hoped we could do something and sort out a plan in the mean time together. The biggest issue lately has been the psychotic symptoms which have then instigated a suicide plan and severe depressive symptoms. If we can work on the psychotic symptoms and at least get Keri to doubt her beliefs a little bit then we might have half a chance. While she’s completely convinced it’s all real, everything is screwed. Yesterday, our key worker rang our care coordinator, with me in the room. They had a chat and I heard some of our key worker’s side of the conversation but pretty much waited until afterwards besides typing some comments when I heard titbits. It’s a good sign that the majority of us other alters aren’t psychotic but our care coordinator wanted to hear my views. I emailed him. I did this straight after the key worker left and I felt like my brain was melting out of my ears. I hadn’t slept the previous night, Keri hadn’t slept the night before that, I was struggling to think and for some reason my eyes kept wanting to squint whenever I looked at light. It took me an hour to write the email to our care coordinator and in my eyes it was quite short and didn’t say nearly enough! He hasn’t replied yet but considering it was only yesterday afternoon I’m hoping it’s because he’s talking to a work colleague or our psychiatrist or something and not just twiddling his thumbs. It’s basically a discussion about medication (anti-psychotics) and therapy. We’ve restarted one of our antidepressants. It’s been nearly a week on the starting dose so the dose is being doubled in a couple of days back to the original dose and we go from there. Obviously I told our care coordinator that I know he’s not stupid and that right now I’m basically a sticking plaster to stop the risks escalating any further. I don’t mind being a sticking plaster. I just wish I had more control over the situation. Just knowing I could go back in whenever I wanted to would be a lot more reassuring. I’ve heard good things about our care coordinator so I’m hoping he lives up to his reputation but we’ll have to see. No one can say I haven’t tried! 

He and the psychiatrist saw Keri last week and she had a meltdown straight afterwards but at least she agreed to start taking the antidepressants again. She was already snapping at people by then and the meltdown days were getting very frequent. It wasn’t surprising that the appointment happened to fall on one of those days. I wasn’t impressed with the support worker choice though. Apparently it’s someone who’s not worked here long and doesn’t know much about Keri’s current symptoms. If I could’ve shouted when I spoke to our key worker on Sunday evening when we had a chat about that I would’ve done. I can’t say much else about the review besides what I’ve already said. I was a bit busy arguing with Shadow and that kind of took a bigger priority than listening in. I also know Keri was not feeling very open to talking. She’s been more interested lately in listening to the wall people and ignoring anyone she considers “untrustworthy” which basically consists of everyone. They’re pretty sneaky I have to admit, the voices I mean. I noticed that pretty early on when they started. They don’t ask her questions or say things that encourage her to shout or answer unless they really want to annoy her, so if you weren’t clued in to what’s going on, you’d just think she was zoning out and staring at a wall for no reason. Although there are times when there’s full on arguments in progress and anyone looking on can clearly see she’s talking to non-existent voices.

Monday evening brought me a migraine which our key worker thought was very likely stress induced from everything that’s been happening. I’ll admit, I was really freaked out. I’ve never been physically unwell. It’s one of my triggers and it really effects my mentally. If any other alter is unwell internally, I’m gone. If Keri is unwell externally, I’m gone. I have to be or I can’t cope and I’m out of action long after the physical illness is completely gone. The late afternoon started with my eyes going a bit strange. I was having some vision disturbances in my left eye and about 2 hours later I was squinting every time I looked at any light. I couldn’t understand why. I’ve never had a migraine because it’s mainly a pain-based illness and with my “shield” (for want of a better word) I haven’t felt pain like some people have before. But wow. By the time our key worker arrived in the evening and I needed to go to the supermarket to get milk and food, my heart was in my head. I actually felt pain. I could barely keep my eyes open. We weren’t shopping for long as I wanted to get home but my worker could see I was in pain and ended support early. I didn’t even know what to do with a migraine! She said to turn down the lights and to try lying down with my eyes closed and have something to drink. I also had a strong painkiller and used this weird stick. It’s like a chapstick you put on your lips but for your head. I got into some PJs and my designated PJ hoodie (yes, I have a hoodie to sleep in too!) and then I was sick. Psychologically that completely broke me and I went totally catatonic for a while. That’s what happens when I get above and beyond stressed. I don’t act out. It’s the opposite. I get a bit agitated, very anxious and then if it gets towards something like a meltdown equivalent to Keri, I totally shut down. I’m conscious but can’t move. We’ve caught what it looks like to other people on camera before at the flat and I’ve scared myself with that. It’s like something from a horror movie when you fast forward through it and nothing happens except the light slowly getting darker or lighter from outside and this figure just sitting, staring and not moving a muscle. If I felt the pain of that migraine come through my “shield” then I’d dread to think what the hell the full force of a migraine feels like. Now I know what people mean when they describe the pain of migraines. It’s not an exaggeration in the slightest. This migraine medication we take obviously can’t be working! Although with the stress going on I’m not surprised it happened. It could be the strongest medication in the world but it’s amazing what stress can do to the body.

I’m exhausted from writing all this so I have no idea how you feel if you’re still reading it all! I think because I’ve been out so long I just need to write! Even more of an excuse to get my journal out! Anyway, that brings us to today as I went to therapy. I’d met the support worker before when I’d been to therapy but not for the whole session. It was lovely! We went to a cafe. I had a cup of tea and a muffin. We had a chat. I wanted to dog nap an adorable dog but my support worker said it wasn’t allowed. But she was such an adorable dog! She lives in one of the houses near where we sat to wait for therapy and she was sunbathing on the wall! 

I went into the session very well prepared. I’d typed out what I’d wanted to talk about. I’d typed out alters, fragments, suggestions, things I wanted to do, tips I’d like, and I’d put a lot of thought into it all. For me, therapy is more than an hour a week. It starts the day before when you think about what you want to use the session for, what you need help with. Then you need the mindset. And the preparation I did needed a lot of psychological effort. It was emotionally and psychologically draining and tiring. She appreciated this though. She said that without me even having to. We’re going to start some work on some of the fragments. For those that don’t know, fragments are like alters but consider it in this analogy (it’s the simplest and best analogy I could think of that I used with a couple of the support workers):

Alters are puzzles. There’s lots of pieces that may include different emotions, different traits, different characteristics etc. Fragments are a piece of a puzzle. They’re usually one emotion, or one trait or characteristic that remains the same, and often hold one or only a small number of memories.

We’re going to work on trying to integrate some of the fragments but it’s likely to be slow, draining and emotional. But, it’s a healing process, and it’s something that me and the other alters have been thinking about for a long time. It’ll reduce a lot of the chaos but obviously it’s not that simple. And for those that don’t know, the word “integrate” does NOT mean that a fragment/alter is simply killed or gotten rid of. They’re merged with another, or with the host, or with the original etc. Nothing is ERASED. It’s INTEGRATED. Healing isn’t linear and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but it’s still moving forward. Keri may be suicidal and not looking at any form of a future but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start planning my fucking funeral (scuse the french)! I’m actually sabotaging things as much as possible. I don’t know Keri’s full plan (part of Shadow’s damn deal) but I know she’s been needing to save money for something for it. I decided, well, could this delay things? Yes? I went onto Apple and bought a new phone, then I bought a case and tempered glass for it. Hey, if I’m going to sabotage her plans I may as well do something worthwhile on something I’m going to enjoy while I’m TH! Plus, if my plan succeeds and we can get Keri thinking about her future again then it’ll be something she’ll enjoy too! It’s a win-win! Actually, it’s a win-win-win! 😄

And on the last note, Tom is so much better! Keri refused to take him to the vet and wouldn’t even touch him, plus her violent thoughts towards him were getting stronger and more frequent. We hadn’t actually realised how strong her delusion had gotten. Nat and me even had to have a serious chat on whether we should get him rehomed because she wasn’t even seeking him vet help. Luckily, we were checking him regularly. Two days after I first noticed the occasional clicking and chirping noises, Nat checked on him just as a usual thing but saw straight away something was very wrong, was straight on the phone to the vet, and within half an hour she had him at the vet. The poor guy didn’t even want to move! Nat said he was really struggling. He was prescribed antibiotics (which he finishes tomorrow) as he has a respiratory infection like I thought. The vet told Nat that he’d need a chest X-ray if he didn’t improved as she was concerned about the infection combined with his weight loss (and she knew about Ian passing away). Thank goodness he’s gotten better! He’s running around again, causing all sorts of mischief, begging for treats, getting inside my hoodie: the usual stuff! I’m hoping that while I’m TH I can get Tom a companion finally but the problem is, until I have more of an understanding with Shadow, there’s no guarantee of me being here. I could arrange on Wednesday evening to pick up a gerbil on Thursday afternoon only to find out Thursday morning that I’m being dragged back in with a 5 min warning! I can’t exactly make plans. I can with support workers as they understand about the switching and I’ve explained about Shadow, and our foster family understands last minute changes too. But anyone else and it starts getting very complicated. I mean what is Keri supposed to say? “Oh, sorry, I’m cancelling because I have no idea what you’re talking about as I’ve been gone for days, have no idea what’s been going on, and now I’m having a meltdown”. Although you’d have to translate that into Keri-language which would make a lot less sense. Would that make any sense to the average person? I don’t know exactly how she’s going to react when she’s back but I don’t imagine she’s going to react positively, and considering how she was just before I came out, I can’t imagine it’s just going to be a simple “oh dear” either.

Right. That’s it. I’m going to go and try and dig out a diary as this amount of writing is getting a bit ridiculous. If I did this every night I’d get bored of reading myself I think. Although I can’t say I’ve ever spent time reading my weekly blog as I know what it says! For all I know, by the time I write to you guys on Sunday I could still be here, I guess it all depends on what happens. For now I’m hoping I can go to the community centre tomorrow. I’m not setting my sights on anything just in case but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep my fingers crossed and remain hopeful! I will remain vigilant on my emails too but knowing the caseloads of a mental health team... that’s something I’m a little bit less hopeful about. Only a little bit though of course! I’m still smiling! As everyone whose seen me over the last couple of days can tell you! And I still have my mischievous streak. I am just very tired which is understandable.

Have a good rest of the week everyone! Take care of yourselves! If I’ve learned anything over the last couple of days it’s that you really need to take some time to chill when you need to even if it means saying ‘no’ to someone. Even if it’s just an hour with a cup of tea, a DVD, and a blanket!

My mantra for this week: Next week will be better, next week will be better, next week will be better! 😊

Fox 🦊